Please don't give my husband more paternity leave.

[Hedgehogbrown]

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/please-dont-give-my-husband-longer-paternity-leave/#comments-container

Till Macdonald wrote this is the Spectator. Is she mad?! Who is this woman? Just because she procreated with a massive dickhead doesn't mean the rest of us should have absent husbands. Anyone who has a 'pile of ironing' in 2025 is just asking to be a wifey martyr. Ridiculous.

Prioritising improving maternity leave only reinforces the idea that fathers/ paternity should take a back step.

I agree that SMP is not great but actually it is so much more important for society and women to work on normalising equal roles of both parents in raising children.

She has a useless, selfish husband but instead of actually dealing with that she just wants him (and any other father out there) out of the house so she can pretend it’s not happening. Great !

Whispers... I dont even have a dryer...

I'm sorry you had a partner that was so lacking in emotional maturity

Absolutely not! Nobody forced anyone, but there is an underlying expectation, just because people are pushing the government for extended leave, doesn’t mean everyone else wants it.

Derailing and important topic over ironing and expectations of sex is why woman’s rights get trampled.

The author has a point. One worth a discussion.

Unfortunately nobody knows what it’s going to be like until you are in that position.

How many young mothers suffering domestic abuse will suffer further? How many alcoholic fathers will stay home and drink themselves stupid? Again, how many so called fathers will take the time and not be any help, leaving the single mothers to cope alone whilst being paid full time for 6 months?

Not everyone has a perfect set up, they just don’t, we’ve been together 25 years, perfectly happy, raised amazing children. But those first 6 months are quite a vulnerable time where woman should be front and centre of any decisions made that affect them.

I would gladly have swapped the paternity leave for more flexible working so DH could attend appointments or events, school shows, sports days, doctors appointments, as opposed to sitting round for 6 months ‘helping’

I got a steam generator iron when my eldest started at a school where he has to wear shirts (he's dyspraxic, and there's no way he'd manage to iron a shirt in less than 30 mins, and he'd be covered in burns, so I do them for him) and have gone from previously ironing nothing at all, to ironing loads of stuff (teatowel stack so much better in the draw when flat!)

But yes, her issue is a useless husband, not paternity leave.

Mind you, I also had a useless partner, and TBH, him not taking paternity leave did give me some resentment, not sure if it set the tone for me looking after the kids around my job though - I suspect that even with paternity leave he'd have done that. So probably still just my poor choice of partner (now ex) rather than paternity leave's fault.

Plus, unfortunately, in a still sexist society, i fear seeing the awfulness of mat pay through the lens of its impact on men if applied to extended pat leave might be our best bet to get a proper discussion on increasing parental leave pay generally.

This is spouted all the time on MN but it’s nonsense. There isn’t even a 6 week check so how are these GP’s and midwives pressuring a new mother into sex after 6 weeks?

He sounds awful. My husband had 6 weeks off. He did all the cooking and washing and laundry. He also took the baby to let me sleep. It was 100% helpful.
She doesn’t have an issue with longer maternity leave, she has an issue with marrying someone who spending time with is a chore.

I haven’t looked up the author but there is also a “went to a private girls school vibe”. They often seem to view men like another species who couldn’t possibly be expected to act like a decent human being.

Unfortunately this may be true. How many men will actually take up extended leave if paid only the SMP? (SPP??)
MAYBE THEN someone will look at it.
It's infuriating to think of it thus way.
I don't think normalising equal roles of parents will be achieved through extended paternal leave, though. I think ots a cultural change in the misogynistic views that's starts when boys are young. And this seems to be getting worse with social media and the mesosphere, not better.

At six weeks most women are still bleeding. Your facts aren’t facting. Young men? They aren’t in their teens. Maybe these men should have a wank instead of forcing their partners to have sex with them or have some self control. Disgusting to expect sex when they have just given birth. Rapey behaviour if these men can’t control themselves

Exactly. The irony, literally

Nope, not blind, I just have a decent human as a husband. A decent person does not pester for sex. They take equal responsibility for cleaning mess and child rearing.

Just because some people are shit it doesn’t mean that children should lose out on having a mother and father having a decent chunk of time off after their child is born to bond and learn how to rear a child together. Showing their offspring domestic duties are not the sole preserve of a woman.

We took shared parental and luckily we are both decent human beings who are able to care for our children on our own, sort domestic tasks and share the load, ensuring no resentment and complete respect. Our lives are stress free, and we have a wonderful and loving family unit. I think men and women should get equal paid time off (full pay) for six months and you use it or lose it. Many companies already do this.

If I were Tilly, I’d be getting my ducks in a row. Useless man.

To be fair you were the one who said your husband ‘expecting sex’ was a reason why you wouldn’t be in favour of extending paternity leave so it seems a bit disingenuous for you to claim posters picking up on that aspect of your post are derailing the thread. I’d argue men’s expectations of women sexually are actually a pretty important aspect of how women are viewed or valued in society and thus quite an important factor in women’s rights.

I also disagree that because some husbands would abuse the system means that all families should have the option taken away. In your alcoholic/domestic abuse scenarios the problem clearly goes much further than if dad is off work for two weeks vs two months (or longer).

Correct.

I hang shirts, trousers, dresses to dry on coat hangers and they look ironed once dried. Everything else is air dried and looks fine.

I dont own an ironing board or normal iron. I do have a hand held steam iron for very special occasions, but I use it maybe once every few months.

All the pp’s twittering about Tilly ironing, I was more horrified that she referred to her baby as a ‘thing.’
Anyhow the whole piece is like a lesson on how to exaggerate and I shouldn’t think her dh cares because she’s getting paid to write this, imo, claptrap.

Perhaps he earns a lot and is hung like a horse.

This. So many women of child bearing age still face discrimination as employers don't want to promote them in case they have a baby and take time off. Where I live now, both partners have equal leave and it's fully paid at 100% of your salary so most people take it. This really is the best way to close the gender pay gap. Also, I found it so useful having my husband home and couldn't imagine how we would have coped if we were still living in the UK.

Don't be ridiculous. Recovering from birth and establishing breast feeding is a lot easier when you have someone looking after you and helping you. Being left to do it all on your own 5 days a week isn't promoting recovery.

Studies show that when the father has longer off work the mother is happier and has lower rates of PPD.

Why didn’t you go back to work then? If you couldn’t stand being at home any longer?

You marrying someone you can’t stand isn’t a fair reason to deny other people fair rights.

This is similar vibe to men in the 70s going “please don’t give my wife her own bank account, she already spends too much of my money 😂😂😂” 🙄

Yep

This lol! I do iron my work clothes and uniforms and used to iron nearly all my clothes but I’ve started buying stuff that looks like it won’t need ironed. Saw a lovely top in Next but all I could think of was “that would be an absolute bugger to iron” so I didn’t buy it.

The article does make me cringe on their behalf - they just sound like a couple of knobs.

But I do think there is an element of classicism around extended paternity leave. IME it’s a very middle class thing. The very wealthy will outsource most of the drudgery and still have a good income coming into the household.

Those in poorer paid/typical working class employment will struggle more because fathers will be unable to work extra, do overtime etc. and the mother may be only on statuary maternity pay which is shit.

I was happy for DH to have a month off and he was great at covering all the household chores, shopping whilst I did the night feeds etc. and got used to being a mother. Longer would have been nice but we couldn’t have afforded him not to go back to work as he supplemented his pay with overtime.

I also think that good dads can still develop great bonds with their DC even if they are back at work earlier and no one should be guilt tripped into not taking longer off.

If your partner is crap they’ll still be crap no matter how long their paternity leave is!

Quite!

If it’s just to recover from birth then its length would be determined by a doctor doing regular assessments - not a flat 52 week cap for all women regardless of how you gave birth, what complications you had, how you’re recovering…

If it’s just to recover from birth then it wouldn’t be just as long for adopting.

And the idea that most women several weeks/months after giving birth are well enough to look after a child all day by themselves but still too unwell to work doesn’t make any sense at all.

And, do we really think women who don’t breastfeed should have reduced maternity leave? Seeing as that’s what maternity leave is for 🙄

Some people truly live in caves