Please don't give my husband more paternity leave.

[Hedgehogbrown]

https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/please-dont-give-my-husband-longer-paternity-leave/#comments-container

Till Macdonald wrote this is the Spectator. Is she mad?! Who is this woman? Just because she procreated with a massive dickhead doesn't mean the rest of us should have absent husbands. Anyone who has a 'pile of ironing' in 2025 is just asking to be a wifey martyr. Ridiculous.

If women aren't breastfeeding, why do they need so long to bond with baby? Are women less able to bond than men by this rationale, that they need that time.

(Yes, this is somewhat devil's advocate)

I know baby needs mum arguments, especially in the fourth trimester, sure. But that doesn't undermine the need and desire for dad to bond too. it's been shown that involved fathers (and adoptive parents) can have the same hormonal shifts (oxytocin, prolactin) as birthing women which produce increased attentiveness, bonding etc etc.

You might not have done. I wasn’t remotely ‘back to normal’ either physically or mentally for at least a year. There are absolutely benefits to paternity leave. But let’s not pretend that men have to worry about peeing or shitting themselves when they go back to work, or are subject to the hormonal fluctuations and potential post partum depression that many women are. Nor do they have to worry about where they are going to pump milk and store it.

Pretty much, personally. I don't own much that gets creased.

I kind of agree with the article. It seems the majority of people believe men and women share housework and childcare equally. However, despite this ideal, I don't believe men actively participate in childcare and housework. While I've seen many dads doing a great job, my firsthand experience is the opposite. I feel resentful about this to the point that I've started to slightly resent men.

Yes! Also I don't buy many garments which need ironing.

You don’t think a contributing factor in men and women not taking on childcare and housework evenly is men being told to carry on as normal after a baby and take one or two weeks off before returning to normal, leaving the mother obviously to be the default carer while off work with the baby for a year?

Also what does housework have to do with the validity of parental leave?
Should women with cleaners have less maternity leave entitlement?
They do less housework so why would they need to be off?

Yes, her problem is she's married to a useless arsehole who she (completely understandably) despises. Not a sound basis for a parental leave policy.

So she choses to marry a waste of space , she choses to do pointless jobs , and then she has the nerve to want to make things worse for women who just manage to sort out their lives better? Jealousy? Inadequacy?

I very occasionally iron something if it’s a particular garment that necessitates it. I gradually realised over the years that 99% of the time it makes no visible difference and is a massive slog for nothing.

I haven’t read much of the article because it was annoying me but why is she referring to ‘men’ when it’s specific to her husband. Maybe it’s just rage bait but it’s a really damaging narrative to push! Sadly there will be some who agree with this idea that men aren’t possibly wired to be of any use in a domestic setting or parenting their own small children.

I think it’s very few women who aren’t recovered from the birth after even six months, let alone 12 (and I had a very difficult birth).

I don’t think it helps women to suggest we all need 12 months of recovery time after a baby before we can possibly consider re-engaging with normal life or work.

If you don’t want your husband to take more time off, that’s your choice as a family.

As it is, poor legal provision of paternity leave means families don’t have a choice to let the dad have a longer paternity leave most of the time.

‘I don’t own a dryer’
FFS! Give me strength!

That specific man is misusing paternity leave, she’s spelled it out herself that he’s treating it as a staycation/sabbatical.

apart from the initial 6 weeks, wouldn’t it be more sensible to have an additional parental leave allowance which can be split between the parents? Mum off, then dad off, or half time each, though obviously depends on workplaces being able to accommodate more flexible working. But if men were expected to properly share parental responsibility more workplaces would work out how to do this. It’d help overcome ingrained structural sexism.

I very rarely iron, most clothes are shaped before being hung on the line or folded carefully whilst warm from the tumble dryer. I buy non iron shirts for school uniform which are shaped and hung on hangers to dry. I only have a few linen items this doesn’t work for. I stopped ironing everything years ago 😁

Yes, exactly this.

It always amazes (and worries) me that so many women on here have so much to moan about regarding their husbands/partners. No-one seems to praise their man, it’s all ‘he’s hopeless, doesn’t pull his weight, hangs around the house all day’ and the like.
Why on earth did these women marry in the first place? I just can’t get my head around the fact that so many women are so miserable.
I find it so unfair that my husband, who was amazing (yes, he had faults like we all do) has died and I get so resentful of these women who have still got their men but just moan about them. Be careful what you wish for and stop being so judgemental and mean. I wonder how many of you married for love, not gain? Not many, I bet!

I didn’t say I didn’t want my husband to have time off. I said that paternity leave had value. I just reject the statement that women don’t need a year to recover from having a baby, and I don’t agree that maternity leave is all about ‘bonding with the baby’ or learning how to change a nappy. Paternity leave and maternity leave are necessary and beneficial for some of the same but also different reasons and this idea that one can replace the other or ‘if women have X amount of time then why shouldn’t men have the same’ is unhelpful.

I don't mind ironing. What I hate is getting the iron and board out, my dream is to have a house with enough room to keep the ironing board up all the time!

I think the writer was aiming at humour? But it doesn't land well as I imagine the majority of mothers would prefer their partners to be around for as long as possible after birth. I coped just fine but I felt so alone. I would have loved dh to have been there just to provide some company during the first few months.

Longer paternity leave would be great… if it could be used at the end of maternity leave to delay need for childcare. If my husband could have taken the two weeks he got post-birth to support me then 12 weeks when I went back to work that would have been an amazing support.

A lot of these articles can be summed up in 4 words.

"It's all about me"

Although if you are really against the wire with a word count, "entitled" is a good precis.

its a selection effect - people complain about problems, whereas behaving like a normal decent human being who pulls his weight should be the default behaviour which doesn’t require comment.

There wasn’t even the option of 6 weeks paternity leave back when I had DD, but DH pulled his weight as much as he could alongside working. He didn’t expect gold stars or ego stroking for it!

And nobody’s suggesting that all women need 12 months. That why maternity leave is up to 12 months. But some women do need that long (and longer) and suggesting that all women should be able to go back to work earlier because some can is also not helpful. To be clear, I think that maternity leave and paternity leave should be considered and discussed separately. I don’t like the idea of ‘shared parental leave’ because I think it’s a fast track to taking something away from women and giving it to men under the guise of equality. And the reasons women need maternity leave, and men need paternity leave, are not all the same, and never will be, because men don’t give birth.

We don't own a dryer - we dry a lot of stuff on hangers.
DH gives his work shirts and trousers a quick go over with the iron, I don't own shirts/blouses specifically because I CBA with ironing.

Thanks to all of those who replied to my ironing comment. (Sorry I sidestepped the actual post 🤦‍♀️). It’s just different from what I used to. We both work corporate jobs so I couldn’t imagine not having our clothes ironed at all - I would feel unkempt and I would assume so would my H. Not judging as I know I’m very “extra” (as the kids say) even my bedding is not put on without being ironed nor towels is im perfectly honest! It’s probably an OCD. But hey I don’t care that much. I do find it interesting to know what other people do!

??? Are your iron, and ironing board in the attic or something? What's so hard about getting the ironing board and iron out?