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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to commute with my colleague after hire car policy changed

132 replies

BethB89 · 24/06/2025 18:45

This is potentially a longish post so apologies!

As part of my job, this requires monthly travel to a site two hours away for an all day meeting with the other managers in our department. Until the start of this year, we’d arrange our own hire cars through our company’s partner and this would be an no cost to us. There was always four of us who needed to travel and we would have a car each.

As part of a cost cutting exercise, at the start of this year the policy changed so that we’d be required to share one car. Understandable and no issue.

The problem lies in the fact that of my other colleagues; one has left and wasn’t replaced, the other has an exception to not attend these meetings for the foreseeable future due to a personal matter - which leaves just me and a male colleague.

We’ve had three 4 hour round trips now and I can’t bite my tongue any longer.

I drove on the first occasion and he was critical of my driving, when I dropped him home he said he was glad to make it back in one piece and told me he hasn’t been that scared in a car since divorcing his ex wife who ‘struggled too’. Really rude - I have had no issues when driving and no complaints from anyone else.

To the next two journeys with him - if we are driving through a town and there’s an obviously attractive woman walking along he will slow the car down and blatantly stare at her (including a glance in the rear view mirror once we’ve passed). This makes me really uncomfortable and has happened multiple times across both journeys.

He repeatedly comments on other road users and will say ‘bet that’s a woman’ when he notices a car driving poorly.

The final straw was him opening the front windows and breaking wind really loudly in front of me.

I feel like he has no respect for me and I feel so uncomfortable now.

Would it be unreasonable of me to say I won’t travel with him again and will only attend the meeting if I drive myself there?

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 24/06/2025 18:49

Absolutely complain to HR. That's not reasonable. Ugh .. (some) men.

Growlybear83 · 24/06/2025 18:51

What was he meant to do if he needed to fart? At least he opened the windows first. Perhaps he should have pulled over, parked and got out of the car? 😆😆

TinyTempest · 24/06/2025 18:52

Not unreasonable, no.

Although you might be expected to make it a formal complaint.

Why do these meetings have to be in person rather than online?

parietal · 24/06/2025 18:54

Complain about his sexism. The driving doesn’t have much to do with it. If he did the same things in the office or on the train, you would also have grounds for complaint.

Bitzee · 24/06/2025 18:57

Go to HR and/or your line manager. The car hire policy is not so much the issue so much as this sexist pig needing urgent retraining on how to behave appropriately in the workplace. But yes absolutely I would refuse to be 1:1 with him in any space whether that be car or a meeting room.

dontwannadothis · 24/06/2025 18:58

You have grounds for a complaint but id leave out the farting incident (unless you mean he put the windows up and then did it?)

Flashahah · 24/06/2025 18:59

I absolutely would not be sharing with him, for all
the reasons listed including the farting.

To the PP who came up with the nonsense about “what’s he supposed to do”, do you fart loudly in the middle of an office or interview etc?

Coconutter24 · 24/06/2025 19:02

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to say you don’t want to travel with him again but you would be unreasonable if you expected work to pay for an extra car

GonnaeNoDaeThatJustGonnaeNo · 24/06/2025 19:04

All of his behaviour is unacceptable and you need to complain to your line manager and HR.

Dangermoo · 24/06/2025 19:04

Oh blimey...typical 'bantz' man. Pity the poor bugger's OH, if he has one. Imagine living with that.

ManchesterGirl2 · 24/06/2025 19:04

Make a complaint about the sexist comments and say that you refuse to travel alone with him. Let your company solve the problem of how to get you both to meetings.

Clarabell77 · 24/06/2025 19:05

Coconutter24 · 24/06/2025 19:02

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to say you don’t want to travel with him again but you would be unreasonable if you expected work to pay for an extra car

No she wouldn’t, her employer has a duty of care towards her, and she shouldn’t be out of pocket because of some sexist pig.

Brefugee · 24/06/2025 19:07

some of my chaps at work were talking about my driving and how aggressive i drive.

Until all the women pointed out that i actually drive just like a man, but better than all the men moaning about my driving.

The fart - depends how it happened. If it was performative, arse cheek raised, PAARRRPPP and "fart protocol" and all windows opened - i expect that of my family not other adults.

But i would insist on driving or going alone.

KrisAkabusi · 24/06/2025 19:08

You're being unreasonable with your title. It's got nothing to do with hire car policy. It's got everything to do with your colleague. His sexism needs reporting.

SodOffbacktoaibu · 24/06/2025 19:15

Growlybear83 · 24/06/2025 18:51

What was he meant to do if he needed to fart? At least he opened the windows first. Perhaps he should have pulled over, parked and got out of the car? 😆😆

Oh FFS seriously?

It's not a van of fucking builders. He can keep it in like the rest of us. I have never needed to let rip in front of a colleague. Id be mortified.

@BethB89 he's a pig. Report him to HR. Or just email them to state you are not comfortable being alone in a car with him and will not drive him.

Dangermoo · 24/06/2025 19:18

If he's as neanderthal as he sounds, expect him to rip the piss out of you for having the nerve to complain. That's his problem, not yours. It's your call whether to have it out with him first.

BethB89 · 24/06/2025 19:41

Growlybear83 · 24/06/2025 18:51

What was he meant to do if he needed to fart? At least he opened the windows first. Perhaps he should have pulled over, parked and got out of the car? 😆😆

Maybe not put on such a performance? My teenage son wouldn’t even do that sort of thing.

OP posts:
Amy73838 · 24/06/2025 19:43

He doesn’t like you. Just make alternative arrangements and leave him to sort himself out.

Iceboy80 · 24/06/2025 19:47

And that's why men and women should not work together, the only issue did that's wrong is farting in the car, that's not on but maybe you are a bad driver or maybe he is just a poor passenger.

Growlybear83 · 24/06/2025 19:49

SodOffbacktoaibu · 24/06/2025 19:15

Oh FFS seriously?

It's not a van of fucking builders. He can keep it in like the rest of us. I have never needed to let rip in front of a colleague. Id be mortified.

@BethB89 he's a pig. Report him to HR. Or just email them to state you are not comfortable being alone in a car with him and will not drive him.

Well you must have much better control of your sphincter than me or most people I know. I can usually manage to let a fart out silently, which the OP’s colleague may have been able to do, but I think he was being polite opening the window rather than let the smell waft around the car. I always find it funny that people on Mumsnet are happy to talk quite explicitly about their sexual practices and post photos of the most intimate parts of their bodies but the merest mention of a fart causes uproar 😆😆😆

KrisAkabusi · 24/06/2025 19:50

Iceboy80 · 24/06/2025 19:47

And that's why men and women should not work together, the only issue did that's wrong is farting in the car, that's not on but maybe you are a bad driver or maybe he is just a poor passenger.

Making the OP feel uncomfortable because he's staring at women is OK? Back to the '70s for you!

RH1234 · 24/06/2025 19:53

Either

Report concerns to manager who will be able to authorise two vehicles or mileage, the male colleague knows no different, unless they report to HR.

Or

Report to HR, they will investigate and if substantiated issue a warning most likely, he will obviously know it was you who reported. (Not that this should stop you choosing this route). HR will then speak to your manager and the above will likely be actioned.

BankHolidayMonday · 24/06/2025 19:54

Iceboy80 · 24/06/2025 19:47

And that's why men and women should not work together, the only issue did that's wrong is farting in the car, that's not on but maybe you are a bad driver or maybe he is just a poor passenger.

yes dear 🙄

RH1234 · 24/06/2025 19:59

Iceboy80 · 24/06/2025 19:47

And that's why men and women should not work together, the only issue did that's wrong is farting in the car, that's not on but maybe you are a bad driver or maybe he is just a poor passenger.

I work in a female dominated industry, have done for nearly 15 years, never had any of these issues. I’m classed as self employed, but all my “line managers” are female too.

There is a time and place for behaviours and comments, not in a professional environment. OP isn’t at fault, your comment is a load of tripe.

SodOffbacktoaibu · 24/06/2025 19:59

Growlybear83 · 24/06/2025 19:49

Well you must have much better control of your sphincter than me or most people I know. I can usually manage to let a fart out silently, which the OP’s colleague may have been able to do, but I think he was being polite opening the window rather than let the smell waft around the car. I always find it funny that people on Mumsnet are happy to talk quite explicitly about their sexual practices and post photos of the most intimate parts of their bodies but the merest mention of a fart causes uproar 😆😆😆

It's hardly uproar. I work in a professional environment. People do not go round farting in front of each other.

MN is fucking weird today. Is it full moon?