To refuse to commute with my colleague after hire car policy changed

[BethB89]

This is potentially a longish post so apologies!

As part of my job, this requires monthly travel to a site two hours away for an all day meeting with the other managers in our department. Until the start of this year, we’d arrange our own hire cars through our company’s partner and this would be an no cost to us. There was always four of us who needed to travel and we would have a car each.

As part of a cost cutting exercise, at the start of this year the policy changed so that we’d be required to share one car. Understandable and no issue.

The problem lies in the fact that of my other colleagues; one has left and wasn’t replaced, the other has an exception to not attend these meetings for the foreseeable future due to a personal matter - which leaves just me and a male colleague.

We’ve had three 4 hour round trips now and I can’t bite my tongue any longer.

I drove on the first occasion and he was critical of my driving, when I dropped him home he said he was glad to make it back in one piece and told me he hasn’t been that scared in a car since divorcing his ex wife who ‘struggled too’. Really rude - I have had no issues when driving and no complaints from anyone else.

To the next two journeys with him - if we are driving through a town and there’s an obviously attractive woman walking along he will slow the car down and blatantly stare at her (including a glance in the rear view mirror once we’ve passed). This makes me really uncomfortable and has happened multiple times across both journeys.

He repeatedly comments on other road users and will say ‘bet that’s a woman’ when he notices a car driving poorly.

The final straw was him opening the front windows and breaking wind really loudly in front of me.

I feel like he has no respect for me and I feel so uncomfortable now.

Would it be unreasonable of me to say I won’t travel with him again and will only attend the meeting if I drive myself there?

Oh come on of course the majority of people can hold their bodily functions in and if he couldn't, the least he could do is apologise. Sounds like he just simply didn't care about his loud performative fart and wanted to make the op feel awkward.

LOL. You reckon he'd have let rip like that in front of a senior manager? Some women are so naive.

Don't say anything yet, write down everything you can remember so far with dates. Next drive, record covertly. Submit it all to HR.

Was about to write this. He wouldn’t do it in-front of the senior management meeting that you were travelling to.

That doesn’t mean they will now pay for 2 cars instead of 1. The duty of care could be having a discussion with the guy about what’s expected on these business drives, they don’t have to change their policy and get 2 cars

Under the circumstances it would certainly not be unreasonable to make an exception to the policy. What do you think the journey in one car would be like if she has to share with him after raising the issue? Uncomfortable for OP, and not something she should need to endure, whether they educate him on expected behaviours or not.

They’d be stupid not to. What he is doing with the comments about women, slowing down to leer at women etc is classed as sexual harassment (it doesn’t need to be directed at the person complaining; his doing it around her counts as sexual harassment).

Once she reports sexual harassment, they would be absolutely idiots to then continue to force her to get into a vehicle alone with him. They must protect their staff from sexual harassment, they’re already guilty of not doing that but once they know about it, it is 100% their responsibility, if they put her back in that car with him then they are putting themselves at risk. If he says or does one more thing, after she has already complained, she can sue and win.

Wow

I’ve been in work situations when people much more senior than me have farted occasionally. I can also remember several occasions in the early days of the lockdown, when using Zoom was still very new to most of my work colleagues, when someone let rip, not realising that the sound was picked up and the window round their picture lit up 😆😆. As I’ve said earlier, I agree that it is usually (but not always) possible to let a fart out quietly, but I don’t think most people could possibly hold one in for long enough to excuse themselves from a meeting, walk to the nearest toilet, and then let it out. But then again, this is Mumsnet 😆

Your colleague is Jackson Lamb and you both work at Slough House.

I claim my £5.

If that comment is aimed at me, I’m afraid I’ve never heard of Jackson Lamb or Slough House.

Good lord I certainly could - but I wouldn't need to because I could hold it til the meeting ended or broke for coffee.

I'd never considered that I might be a world champion fart holder but hey, maybe I have a whole new career ahead of me!

This is sexual harassment even if it's not directed at you personally.

i the comments on your driving is sex discrimination.

you need to report that.

I can hold in farts but not sure it is good for you. Plus they can come back with a vengance later.

If you are in an office/meeting you can politely excuse yourself or walk away to the toilet or a quiet area which I suspect many polite people do.

If you are in a car not sure you have much choice other than to stop the car which may not be possible in time.

So I think really you have to allow that one to pass (maybe quite literally).

Definitely NBU.
Put all of this in writing to HR.
He may end up with more problems than your imaginary poor driving - serves the twat right though.

I mentioned this to my manager earlier and wasn’t overly impressed with their response.

They agree the driving comments are inappropriate but said of my colleague slowing down ‘could he just have been checking for hazards in terms of people crossing the road if a busy street’.

They said they need to seek some further guidance as it’s an unusual scenario but told me that the instruction around hire cars is extremely strict so said I shouldn’t get my hopes up that it will change.

I’ll wait and hear what comes back and then take it from there.

Totally agree - it is not acceptable to be expected to travel with someone from the dark ages.

Report - Report - Report

Much more senior to you means nothing to me.
Are you a director and the managing director let rip in front of you?

Every SMT and Director boards I’ve been on, it’s never happened as an example.

Maybe in a room a “lads” this would happen, doesn’t mean everyone appreciates it, and in all my time in the forces it never happened in meetings… the mess, the barracks, yes…

Sorry not the point of the thread but do people REALLY struggle to hold in farts? I’ve never had a problem, neither has my dh.

On a couple of occasions it was the Director of Education who farted loudly in a meeting. Another time, the Chair of the Education Committee let rip in a public meeting. It was an extremely formal and old fashioned local authority at that time. Unfortunately I was sitting next to him and as well as nearly being gassed, I got a fit of the giggles.

A fart contains gas that's been sat marinading around faeces. Why would anyone wish to share that!?!?
Who are these children without control of their anal sphincter? It's rarely accidental- it's a conscious message saying you can enjoy the smell of my shit because I wish to disrespect you

Is it possible that the other colleague has got out of going because of this grub’s detestable behaviour?

All men, out of interest?

Those two were but the most prolific farter I can recall at work was a woman.

He is a disgusting mysoginist. You are not being unreasonable at all.
I take it you don't have your own car (no problem), so rely on the hire cars when you need to commute. You will need to tell them you need your own and say exactly why. And no negotiations or offers to 'talk to him'. Why should you be put through that?