Breakdown in friend group - who is right?

[Tornad]

I’m not either of these two people.

P, W and 3 others have been friend since school, almost 30 years. Now all getting married, having children, etc. Don’t live locally to one another but still close and see each other very regularly (almost always as a group or one-on-one - i.e. we would never meet up as a three or a four without everyone being invited).

W has always been high maintenance as a friend. She expects us to be there for her, get birthday presents, attend birthday events, etc. She also gives out the same energy. She will always organise gifts,I’ve heaven and earth to attend special moments and be on the end of the phone. So, she’s not a hypocrite or a taker. She just expects a lot from friendship in general.

P has always been more relaxed. Unreliable, late to things, forgets things, doesn’t respond for months at a time, didn’t hear her phone… but she’s really fun to be around. Witty, cool, energetic. But, since having her own kids, P has also become quite high maintenance. Everything is a drama, the world is ending every couple of weeks, everything revolves around her DS. She’s very “crunchy mum” and makes her opinions known on our parenting and nutrition. I’m hoping this will pass because I wouldn’t befriend her if I met her now.

Anyway. W is pregnant and being induced early. She hasn’t said but I assume this is for medical reasons. They don’t tend to induce early just for fun. The date for the induction is P’s birthday. P is furious about this. She thinks that W has done this on purpose to usurp her birthday. She has vowed to never speak to W again and says that it’s “the final straw”.

My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be.

Who is right here?

I didn't say I was unfairly treated, just that you were obnoxious - and then went on to invent a quote about what I supposedly said. I disagree that the tone of my comment was befitting of your response. So I guess we'll have to disagree on that.

And I'm not "admitting" anything. I think it was perfectly obvious from my question that I was really struggling with the possibility (as apparently are others) that you were genuinely uncertain as to whether your friend was BU for objecting to someone else having a baby on her birthday (even typing that sentence out feels completely surreal).

Do you not think they'd all be better off without P in their lives?

This has got to be a joke!

Wait, hold my beer Willis! I thought the issue was about them doing both of those things on the same day? So if induction and birthday party are half a week appart, does it even matter? How peculiar? Couldn’t w still attend the birthday lunch if she is being induced 3 days later? Maybe hold the margaritas? But surely she could still go? Is it far away from where she plans to deliver?
Keep a bag in the car, don’t leave home without the notes, that kinda jazz. a cursory kiss on the cheek, ‘so good to be able to make it, darling, let’s all sing and cut your cake’ and then, ‘whoop I am pooped, this tricky third trimester ect ect, you’ll have to excuse me but you lot carry on, in fact let me buy a round of shots for you all’
under her breath p is going to mutter, ‘that w, what an utter legend, I’m going dedicate my next karaoke song to her and her unborn baby’
sounds like a fabulous time all round

You’re really struggling to keep your story straight there.

“I didn’t say I was unfairly treated” and “I disagree that the tone of my comment was befitting of your response”. If you don’t think that you deserved the response you got, how is that not thinking you were treated unfairly?

You’ve admitted you weren’t just asking a question. Like you said, it was perfectly obvious. You’re admitting it whilst denying it.

This would come under the “starting arguments you can’t win then squealing victim” heading.

Mumsnet is a strange place indeed. There are daily threads from women asking for tips and advice on being assertive, calling out rudeness and not taking any shit from people and everyone helps and encourages her to be asaertive and call it out.

Yet on this thread everyone has had a go at the OP for being rude, childish, grow up etc and now everyone is offended by the OP giving them the same response back! Don't dish it out if you can't take it back simples 🙄

As bonkers as this thread is I can see why the OP doubted whether she was unreasonable to think P was wrong its easy to realise when written down in black and white that P is being a selfish cow and petulant child all because she's got sour grapes that W might not make much effort for her birthday and will of course understandably want to prioritise her own child! But when someone is acting upset and emotional even when they're wrong we all feel empathy and try to understand.

Also going by the OP's posts W sounds like a thoughtful person so P really has no reason to be upset that she won't be prioritised anymore because if W is that thoughtful and makes alot of effort surely she would buy a card and a nice gift and have flowers delivered etc even if she didn't see P for a dinner and drinks.

P is just a self centred cow any true friend would be concerned and offer support not have a strop that they have to share a birthday. I'd be thrilled for any of my friends if they gave birth on my birthday a new baby is supposed to be a happy occaison especially if the labour goes well. I struggle to remember birthdays so there's no way I'd forget that my friends child shares my birthday lol

Your belligerence is not winning you any favour OP, let it go. Many of us are incredulous that your friendship group is this immature and yes, toxic.

I'm not struggling to keep anything straight. I absolutely confirm I was incredulous about the possibility that you were genuinely uncertain about whether P was being unreasonable. Hence why I asked. I am STILL incredulous. I note you are ignoring the fact that you made up a false quote and attributed it to me so I don't think you're in a strong position to accuse anyone else of struggling to keep their story straight.

I was not attempting to start an argument - why would I when you are already arguing with so many posters on the thread? But I was absolutely sincere in asking whether you were genuinely uncertain about whether P was being unreasonable.

No matter how you try to deflect, the fact that you actually started a thread on MN to ask total strangers whether your friend was being unreasonable to object to someone else having a baby on her birthday is mind-boggling. Hence why the voting has gone the way it has.

I wonder if W and P are on here. .

You’re admitting to everything you’ve denied and don’t even realise.

I’m not sure how you’ve reached your age and not come across paraphrasing before 😂

The vote is in my favour…

You weren't paraphrasing with direct quotes. You were trying to suggest I had actually said those things. You're admitting to falsely attributing statements to other posters and you don't even realise. I'm not sure how you've reached your age and not worked out how making things up works.

And the vote is 83% YABU. That is in response to your statement in the OP:

"My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be."

Eg, "the more I think about it" you are not sure P is being unreasonable. 83% of posters appear to disagree.

Btw, it has occurred to me that this is precisely the kind of thread that the DM will eat up. I can see the headlines now "Poster takes to Mumsnet to ask whether it's unreasonable to have a baby on your friend's birthday". That's not a paraphrase, btw. That's actually the way they'll put it.* *

I hope W and P don't recognise themselves.

While both friends may be difficult in certain ways, I am absolutely horrified that P would consider her birthday more important than someone else's need for an induction! And would see such things in terms of 'usurping her birthday'. (Could part of her problem be that W's child will now share P's birthday, and may take precedence for her mother on future occasions? Not that this is an excuse for her attitude.)

It's not P's 5th birthday, is it? Even if it is, she's being rather a spoilt brat about it.

You’re hilarious

Yes, that’s paraphrasing.

Yes, I’m neither person in the OP so YABU is the opinion I agree with.

Congratulations on having something “occur” to you that other people have already said. Do you get all your ideas from things other people have said?

You’re clearly not that bright, this conversation is pretty pointless

I clicked the wrong button.

P is massively unreasonable, you can’t pick your induction date, you go with what the medical staff decide.

Also just because she is due for induction that day doesn’t mean baby will be born that day.

I was due for induction on the Monday. But they couldn’t fit me in, ended up having induction started on the Tuesday and baby born on the Wednesday.

It’s a medical procedure and a grown adults birthday should not trump it!

What a crazy friendship group.

The person bothered about their birthday is nuts.

The fact you're on here asking is also mad. Surely you know the answer.

Are you all early 20s?

I haven't admitted nor denied anything OP, please point out where I did?

My two previous posts were actually in support of and agreeing with you 100%. Your friend P is in my opinion being extremely unreasonable and going by your posts sounds like a selfish cow who does indeed need to grow up and get the fuck over it her friend could be facing a serious situation if she's being induced and instead of being concerned about W her so called close friend she's upset that if W has her baby on her birthday W will no longer make the effort and will prioritise her child.

Also as you pointed out the vote is in your favour and I actually voted YANBU! There's no need cop an attitude with me when I haven't been rude to you and I still stand my by opinion that YANBU but you were a out of order biting my head off if you wanted me to explain any of what I said you could have asked me.

Sorry, I have no idea how mumsnet attached my reply to your comment. It wasn’t aimed at you at all. That was just a glitch.

Nice attempt at back-pedalling. You're still unreasonable.

As for what others may have said about the DM, no, I haven't slavishly read all 16 pages of your thread so I don't know that it's already been suggested (not surprising though). I read all of your posts and skim read through some of the other posts. The vote is pretty one-sided that you are being unreasonable to wonder whether P is justified so a forensic analysis of everyone else's posts hardly seems needed.

You’re clearly not that bright, this conversation is pretty pointless

Ah well, at least I didn't need to ask strangers on the internet whether it's unreasonable for a friend to lose the plot when someone has a baby on their birthday.

🤣 @Tornad No problem we've all been there 🙈 thank you for apologising, can we have a virtual drink to break the ice? I'm a JD and Whiskey girl 😉

I’ll join you on anything with alcohol at this point 😂

Virtually pouring us a triple JD and Coke! 🍸

Obviously w has done nothing wrong. Does she know about any of this?
if I’m counting correctly thes P, W, you, friend who’s ignoring you and a fifth person? Have you spoken to her?

P is batshit! Unless it’s a big birthday most adults don’t expect anyone except close family to celebrate their birthday! Loads of people share birthdays with family members! My dc share a birthday with my sister & my sister has always loved it! Very self absorbed to be annoyed that a friend is being induced on your birthday! Shes not doj g it for fun! Hope all goes well for W.

P has become highly strung since having children and is struggling and maybe finding being a parent overwhelming ? And hence becoming high maintenance and taking it personally.

I’m guessing all the kids in this group are quite young as in a few years after running raggard with multiple kids nobody is going to give a s**t about other kids’ birthdays.
For a grown woman to have a hissy fit because her friend dare be induced on her birthday is utter madness. The fact another friend in this circle had taken her side further proves the ridiculous dynamics in this group.
Was there another friend not mentioned and what is her view on this absurdity?

To top it off P’s birthday lunch or whatever isn’t even booked on her actual birthday so she’s still having her celebrations without the ‘shine’ taken off her. I am 40 and couldn’t give a flying monkeys about my birthday - this entitlement in itself especially as a mother with new priorities is baffling to me… Celebrations shouldn’t be what holds friendships together - that’s surface stuff. Real friendship is about being there for one another through thick and thin.