Breakdown in friend group - who is right?

[Tornad]

I’m not either of these two people.

P, W and 3 others have been friend since school, almost 30 years. Now all getting married, having children, etc. Don’t live locally to one another but still close and see each other very regularly (almost always as a group or one-on-one - i.e. we would never meet up as a three or a four without everyone being invited).

W has always been high maintenance as a friend. She expects us to be there for her, get birthday presents, attend birthday events, etc. She also gives out the same energy. She will always organise gifts,I’ve heaven and earth to attend special moments and be on the end of the phone. So, she’s not a hypocrite or a taker. She just expects a lot from friendship in general.

P has always been more relaxed. Unreliable, late to things, forgets things, doesn’t respond for months at a time, didn’t hear her phone… but she’s really fun to be around. Witty, cool, energetic. But, since having her own kids, P has also become quite high maintenance. Everything is a drama, the world is ending every couple of weeks, everything revolves around her DS. She’s very “crunchy mum” and makes her opinions known on our parenting and nutrition. I’m hoping this will pass because I wouldn’t befriend her if I met her now.

Anyway. W is pregnant and being induced early. She hasn’t said but I assume this is for medical reasons. They don’t tend to induce early just for fun. The date for the induction is P’s birthday. P is furious about this. She thinks that W has done this on purpose to usurp her birthday. She has vowed to never speak to W again and says that it’s “the final straw”.

My initial thought is that P is being ridiculous but, the more I think about it, W has always made a big deal out of birthdays and now P won’t be W’s focus on her birthday, her DD/DS will be.

Who is right here?

P is being ridiculous. I don't think there's any excuse for her making such an insane fuss.

Grow up. This kind of shit should have been left behind in the playground.

Is it a slam dunk though? Does it really matter if she did choose for her induction to be that day?

Ultimately no one has ownership of a day, regardless of it being their birthday.

Even if the baby was born a few days before or after P; W would likely be taking a step back from P’s birthday regardless. Is P really expecting a big surprise birthday bash from W, if W is on holiday for her child’s birthday?

But tbh I don’t understand this.

from what you’ve said, W is the only one who puts effort in for P. So instead of thanking her, P is raging that it may come to an end. It sounds fairly hypocritical and ungrateful to me, like biting the hand that feeds you

W appreciates and puts effort into birthdays, P is more relaxed. It is really unreasonable of P to expect any effort on birthday even from W when she doesn't give the same back.

Even more unreasonable for P to be thinking about birthday rather than possible reason for W's induction and concern for W and baby.

That said P is being so unreasonable I have to think she is not happy/coping. So I might gently try and check in on her. But any more criticism or complaint about W baby possibly sharing a birthday would get a blunt response from me about how self centred she is being.

This is all very appeasing of P, and making excuses or justifications for W.

Whereas the problem is P and her attitude/ behaviour.

I would say “ LOL does P stand for preposterous now? You are being outrageous, unfair and unreasonable. If you think you have right on your side maybe contact W’s obstetrician and see how far you get”

What growing up does 'W' have to do? She is simply having an induction of labour on a date chosen by the hospital.

The more you think about it you have come to the conclusion that someone who values birthdays would book her hospital appt on someone's bday in order to ruin the event? You need help.

OP is only being rude to the posters that have been rude to her. For some reason, loads of posters have taken great offence at this thread and the constant refrain telling OP that she and the rest of her friendship group need to grow up is annoying. It's such a trite and unoriginal put-down. I can't imagine why 'W' needs to grow up. She has been booked in for an induction for medical reasons on a date decided by her doctors. She hasn't done this on purpose to piss 'P' off and ruin her birthday.

P is a fucking asshole.

W's being induced for a reason and it's not to fuck with P's birthday. She doesn't decide the date, she gets slotted in and that might change.

P sounds like an absolute raging narcissist tbh.

I feel very very sorry for W. It sounds like she's been a good friend to you, and is likely going through something with either her health or her babies health. It's absolutely insane that there's anyone in this friendship group even considering P maybe correct. A grown woman crying down the phone because she has to share her birthday with a child?! And her friend might not organise stuff for her birthday anymore?!

Does anyone genuinely believe that someone who's been a good friend for 30 yrs. Put effort into others birthdays and life events, been at the end of the phone for you all, you describe as very thoughtful and inclusive would chose to get induced on their friends birthday for any other reason than it was the best thing for her and her baby?!

You like P because she's fun. But she sounds a shit friend. She's judgemental, puts little effort in, ignores your group for months. "High energy, witty, life and soul of the party" coupled with the crying sounds like attention seeker with main character syndrome, who expects to be the centre of others lives without putting the effort in.

Put her and any of your other friends indulging her to the back of your mind. Focus on W and the others in the group. My only genuine concern would be if P is going through some sort of crisis, because that is absolutely not a normal response for an adult to have

Are you sure you all left primary school? Who thinks their birthday is more important than the health of a newborn? You’re crazy even to be asking this.

Thank you!

It’s crazy that some people are so used to getting away with behaving like nasty little bullies on here that they genuinely feel victimised when spoken to the same way they speak. It’s even weirder that other people also think being rude is fine but responding rudely to rudeness isn’t.

No one has been able to justify the little “grow up” comment. I wonder why…

I'd think it's time for both W and P to grow up a bit. P sounds mildly insane, but W's version of friendship would be too high-maintenance for me. I can't imagine being in such a demanding friendship that I'd be expected to prioritise things like a friend's birthday celebration to such a degree. That's just too much for me. I find it immature and exhausting to contemplate.

omg you and P are delusional. You can’t choose the date you’re induced, and even if you could there’s absolutely no way should she delay it for a pathetic bday that comes around every year. You seem like a horrid friend, thinking the worst of W in her most vulnerable time, so what if she usually makes a fuss over bday, but for you to think for a second she’s getting induced on that date to avoid a bday is beyond ridiculous

Hadn't RTFT and hadn't seen that 'time to grow up' was apparently hitting a sensitive spot, but I stand by it. As for what I mean, I think that when you're an adult with grown-up responsibilities and spouses and in some cases kids of your own, it's a bit immature to expect your friends to treat your birthday as something of great importance that requires everything else to take a back seat, every year on that date. I'm all for having fun and celebrating, and I don't think birthdays are only for children, but if someone put that much emphasis on it and expected so much limelight every year (even if they were happy to return the favour for my own birthdays), I think I'd find it tiring and too much. I view that as immaturity, hence the opinion that they should grow up.

P is batshit and completely unreasonable.

I can't understand why you're being given a hard time, OP!

I also listed issues with P. If anything, I put in P’s good traits to avoid the responses I was expecting of “why on earth would be friends with her for so long?”

What good traits? You managed to make her sound like a prize-class pain in the arse both when she was low maintenance AND when she was high maintenance. She sounds like a total headbanger.

At least with the other one, she was always high maintenance and what you saw was what you got. She didn't do a complete 180 on her personality and you said she makes a big deal out of other people's celebrations too. I don't think you said that P puts the same energy into other people's big events as she demands of others for hers.

I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that maths wasn’t your strongest subject at school. But in case it’s my maths that’s gone wrong, could you tell me how you got to a more than 10% chance of overlapping birthdays (even if you’re going a day either side I’m struggling to see).

Just because you are booked to be induced on a day, does not mean you will have the baby that day.

But whether or not they baby arrives that day P is completely unreasonable and I would drop a friend like that. You are also unreasonable for entertaining that P is anything but unreasonable

I also don't understand why you and W are being told to grow up etc, or why you're being accused of being rude and relishing the drama. You're only responding to rude people with rude answers. I can also completely understand why you'd come here for some reassurance that the way you see the situation is correct - on the face of it as an outsider it's blindingly obvious P is in the wrong but it's not that easy when you're in the situation!

I had similar OP a couple of years ago (won't go into the details but it was a relationship thing causing me a lot of stress).

Some posters were nice and actually tried to help. Many were calling me pathetic, accusing me of lying or attention seeking, trawling back through previous posts and pointing out small discrepancies (yeah I'm such a loser I've been a troll for over 15 years), getting so angry at me when I didn't immediately take their advice to LTB (I mean there was conflicting advice, what makes theirs so special).

It was a really difficult time anyway and I'd come for support, not to be attacked. I did respond to quite a few nasty posts and was also called 'rude'. Also 'ungrateful to kind posters who've taken time to advise you' (that last one came from the most aggressive, ranty poster 😳).

I got MN to delete it in the end as it was doing my mental health no good.

Maybe just step away from the thread? MN can be great but all too often certain posters just want to bring the OP down.

Good luck however you proceed.

Er, p is unreasonable.

Sorry, did you say you were all still at school?

I don't think I have ever heard anything quite so preposterous.