AIBU to say No I cannot move my fucking birthday!!

[WiseFinch]

Hard hat ready here as I know I’m being self centered.
I invited friends about two months ago on a night out to celebrate my birthday. Of the 6 people I invited, 3 suggested we “do another weekend” immediately. To which I said well no, my birthday is that weekend! Now at the last minute the others have pulled out, all suggesting we “just do a different weekend.”
I know this is fairly immature but if we did another weekend the night out would just be another night out, it’d be over a week past my birthday at the minimum so at that point I’d be completely over it and it defeats the purpose of the night out.
The fact that all 6 people have suggested to just move the date makes me think I am being crazy but I personally would never ask somebody to move their own fucking birthday ? If I couldn’t make it I’d politely decline. Am I being unreasonable or crazy about this?!

Op is reasonable to feel hurt but let’s face it, everyone has a birthday and most people don’t care as much as you about your own birthday.

Have they got together/onto a group chat to discuss this, do you think? Or is it on a date with some very significant effort for a lot of them (eg a sports match they are really into, a mutual friends wedding, a concert of a band they like coming close by)?

I just can't imagine how big your ego would have to be, as an individual, to receive a party invite and, instead of saying you can't go, actually suggest changing the date - as if your individual presence is so important that the event could not possibly go ahead without you. I just could never think like that. I'd say 'really sorry but I can't go' and not expect others to be inconvenienced because I was busy.

The fact that they've all asked to rearrange therefore makes me think they must be talking and have a particular reason. If that is the case, then I would rearrange with good grace rather than not have a birthday night out.

Why are you making such a fuss about your birthday? Isn't it more important to actually spend time with your friends, whenever that might be?
I will never understand adults who think everything has to stop because they have a birthday - it is beyond tedious and, as we all have a birthday every year, really not a big deal.

Even my own birthday isn't a priority for me.

Or they are already commited to other things?

Is this an invitation of "this is my treat, to celebrate my birthday" - in which case yanbu and if they don't want to come, find different people to celebrate with.

Or is it an "invitation" in that you said you want to go out that night but you are expecting each of them to pay their own way? - in which case it is basically just another night out and if its not convenient they have every right to opt out.

Either way it looks like you have to de-couple celebrating your birthday from a night out with this particular circle of friends.

This is more about them just immediately putting their own desires first, throw in that it's your birthday and it's even more hurtful.

Of course you can say that. Your invitation so you set the date.

But it means that you will be celebrating alone. So I suppose it depends on what matters more to you, being with the people you want to spend it with or going out without them on that specific weekend.

So if I understand this correctly several months ago you invited 6 friends, 3 immediately asked for a different date, and now the remaining 3 have asked you to rearrange the date at short notice. But no good reason given, such as holiday or wedding in the group or their families. That is peculiar and rude. You need new, more reliable, and honest friends. The excuse is thin and flaky. I wouldn't be rearranging - who wants to bother with that level of flakiness.

I think you should feel very honoured by your friends. Being booked up is the perfect excuse not to go to a celebration. It's the perfect excuse not to have to celebrate with that person that you don't care that much about. There's no sense in asking for a new date if you don't want to go to somewhere, or if you don't care about the person. You give your excuse for not going and breath a sigh of relief you got out of that one! You only ask if the date can be changed if you really want to be there, but really can't make the first date.

I think it might depend on how they ask. I wouldn't ask someone to move their birthday, but saying "Can we meet the following weekend instead?" is someone expecting you to go ahead with other mates, then they'll see you to extend the festivities. Picking a different date wouldn't really be an issue for me, but I don't bother with birthdays any more apart from family so may be a poor example.

Mumsnet is indeed weird about birthdays.

You can post something along the lines of “In our house, it wouldn’t be a problem to move the party to the next convenient weekend”.

And you’ll get responses like;

For fuck’s sake, birthdays do not end when you reach the age of six. There is nothing wrong with expecting a fucking Happy Birthday. Set your bar higher, you fun-sucking, birthday hating cunt.

I don't expect my friends to rearrange theirs lives around my birthday. It's simply not important enough, like a wedding etc. So a weekend near my birthday would be fine.

Most of the time it falls in the week anyway so it's not like you generally get to have a party on the right day. Heck, when it comes to celebrating with my family I'm lucky if we get the right month!

My friends and I rarely celebrate each other's birthdays on the actual date/weekend. It really doesn't matter.

I agree with this.
Especially that OP's birthday falls on a weekend and she'd given her friends months of notice.

If your husband wasn't working away would you be so bothered? Why is it acceptable for your husband to have plans but not your friends? It's understandable that you don't want to be alone on your birthday but your birthday isn't the main priority in your friend's lives.

They can do a date a week from your birthday, given how busy people's lives are these days that's pretty good going.

I did my birthday night out 3 weeks after my birthday because it was the only day ALL my friends could do. It still felt like my birthday, we still celebrated it that way. But having them there meant more than doing it on a specific day.

Nah fuck that choose another weekend bollocks. It’s your birthday. You want to celebrate. You don’t want to do it in another weekend because that’s NOT your birthday. You can certainly go out another weekend but it won’t be birthday vibes because it’s not the chuffing birthday. I get it! YANBU.

You can be upset about it but you can’t force them to stick to your birthday weekend so you just have to cancel or suck it up.

You sound like a nice person OP, don’t let the snarky comments get to you. You’ve been polite and understanding with your friends which is the most important thing and are just venting on here as it’s an anonymous forum. It was also mean of the three people who initially agreed to come to pull out at the last minute and I would have felt fed up about that too.

Anyway, happy birthday, I hope things sort out for you!

@WiseFinch it does make me wonder if they all had something planned for your initial birthday weekend and just didn't want to say so.

People are absolutely bizarre these days and can't seem to communicate in a clear and simple fashion. I have no idea what that's about. But the fact that other people then dropped out makes me wonder if they had something planned and just didn't want to say.

I hope you have a great birthday anyway 💐🥂

But it's not their priority.
Children understand that birthday parties can't be on their real birthdays.

Well, it's not a wedding tbh. I've refused to cancel a £500 Saturday shift to go to the pub for a mate's birthday in the past. Maybe for a partner I would. However, I said I wasn't able to cancel rather than didn't want to.

Tbf though, if my bday falls in the week I always do it the weekend before or after anyway. I've defo put it off an extra one and done it a fortnight after at least once. Living an hour away from my hometown I'm just happy when I can get a few of us together.

They didn't all let the OP down, three of them did "at the last minute", whatever point in time that means. Three of them said from the word go that they couldn't attend.

The problem with the way the post is written is that it's impossible to know how the original message was cascaded to and then interpreted by the friends, and similarly impossible to know how what they said in return was meant. As is, were all six people in one place with three of them saying in unison that they couldn't come, or was it three individual responses to six individual invitations?

Furthermore, having known people who believe the route to an outcome must be the same if an identical outcome is achieved, I know that what is said and what happens are very, very different things. For example, let's say I had arranged with six other people to go out to a restaurant, but horrendous weather meant we all cancelled - the outcome is we didn't spend the evening together.

I've known people who would tell the same story as "no one showed up", believing that to be correct, seeing how ultimately they didn't all spend the evening together. They would never spoil a good story with the facts, and would conveniently omit to say they were one of the people who "didn't show up".

In respect of the OP and it being her birthday, for six people I wouldn't have chosen a date, I'd have asked them what would suit them all, seeing how it's a small gathering. I'd do the same with up to ten people; after that it becomes a case of "this is what I am doing & when, please join me if you can".