Friend pissed off I didn’t eat all of the dinner she made me

[HattieD]

Can I ask if you think I was unreasonable? We (my husband and I) had a dinner at my friends (and her husbands) house on Saturday. They weren’t free in the day, so prior to this, we went to an event at a local pub. This was from 2-5, and they had a free BBQ which we had a bite to eat from.

We’d told our friends about the event and the free BBQ being an added bonus. Dinner was served about 6.30 (earlier than we’d usually eat but no issue) and our friend had made a lovely but substantial meal. I gave it a good go, and probably ate about 70% of it, with DH eating slightly more of his.

On Sunday, my friend messaged to say she thought it was rude we ate at the pub and that we left ‘so much’ of our dinner. I reiterated how much we enjoyed the food and said that it was a very generous portion.

I just think that if we hadn’t mentioned the BBQ, she’d have been none the wiser and probably wouldn’t have said anything about the decent amount of food we ate?

I think you were very rude.
I would not go to a pub in the middle of the day before having dinner at a friend’s house.

Christ, she sounds way OTT. If I have friends over, it's for their company. I wouldn't be expecting them to eat a set amount.
Rude of her to mention it and if I were you, I'd be pissed off with her.

If you all had a nice evening, good company, decent chat, who cares if you eat the whole generous dinner?

Or am I missing something?

They knew you had not resisted temptation at the BBQ there are very very very few dishes that couldn't be leftovers for them the following day, and you did eat, perhaps a bit of flexibility might have been better in this situation.

Plus it was very hot and people eat less in the heat.

really? why ever not?

YABU

DPIL did something similar to us. Invited for dinner but decided to go for a big lunch beforehand. It was annoying and thoughtless.

Generally they were good people but prone to getting caught up in the moment rather than thinking.

Yeah I’d be annoyed if I’d spent time preparing a delicious meal for friends, and then they turned up and told me they’d been at a bbq that afternoon, and left a fair amount of my food. It just feels a bit disrespectful. Maybe if you hadn’t mentioned the bbq she might not have minded as much, but it just feels a bit rude to tell them you’ve been eating at a bbq then afternoon and leave food.

I also think her reaction, to go as far as messaging you the next day to say she was annoyed, is rather extreme.

Do you find a massive salad fills you up for the rest of the week?

do you feel triggered in any way by someone saying they can't have 2 diners within 3 hours? How is that affecting you exactly?

A salad is a big enough meal for a lot of us. Too bad if it's a problem with you.

Your comment was just unnecessary and unpleasant for no reason, it's irritating that competitive over-eating.

I am guessing for the same reason we don't take our kids to McD before diner, because we know we won't have much appetite later?

Why do you think?

Once again mumsnet jump to extreme... what is the acceptable 'nil by mouth' period in mumsnet land when you are having dinner somewhere?

Many people eat more than once per day.

OP went to an event with picky food at 2pm and also had dinner planned for 7pm... clutches pearls two things eaten within 5 hours. On no planet is that unusual or weird and to think it is would be the mindset of a disordered eater.

You were BU. If you know someone is cooking specially for you at 6.30-7, you don’t go eating burgers and chips mid afternoon unless you are some kind of rugby player or rower who has to eat 8000 calories a day. It doesn’t matter that you managed to struggle through 70% of your meal - it was rude and inconsiderate anyway. I don’t blame her for being upset.

I would never plate up for a guest, nor comment on their eating. HOWEVER, eating a big lunch before dinner was a bit of a social faux pas if you mentioned it.

Do you honestly just eat whatever is in front of you, even if you feel full? I'm a size 14 so not tiny, but I rarely finish a meal (even without a bbq during the day). I think it is really strange people think a grown adult needs to finish their full plate even if not hungry. Gives me flashbacks of being a child and not being allowed to leave the table until I finished every bite.

@HattieD I don't think you did anything wrong. I can't stand people who force feed. I would never confront someone because I didn't think they ate enough. And anyway, you ate the majority.

I don't think eating before is necessarily an issue, you're an adult and it's not really anyone's business what you choose to eat in your own time.

But why on earth did you tell her! Of course she was then miffed when you didn't finish your plate, after she'd invited you round and cooked for you. She wouldn't have even noticed otherwise.

This is on you. YABU.

I would never, NEVER, comment or complain about how much of a meal someone had eaten.
That's it really. Whatever the circumstances.
End of!
Your friend is a dick.

Adults know how to regulate their appetite. You know if you can eat 2 diners within 3 hours or not.

3pm is very late for lunch when you are invited for diner, and when you expect an early diner at 7 anyway.

I love that you call a burger "picky food" 😂

Because when I go to a friend’s house for dinner it usually involves wine. One person does not start the evening a little the worse for drink while everybody else is stone cold sober.
The OP May have had a soft drink in the pub but I doubt it.

I'd bet that the host would give a different figure.

Are your friends very elderly or are they also feeding small children at the same time? Cant think of any other reason to serve a dinner party at 6.30pm. Did they serve your plate for you, or did you help yourself? Again that makes a difference, if you left food youd helped yourself to thats a bit rude. But if they served it up, thats also odd. But the oddest thing of all is texting you the next day about how upset she is you didnt finish your plate. Frankly, sounds like a 5 year olds dinner party, and Id not been keen to go back anyway.

Because it entirely normal to eat at noon and 5pm or 1pm and 6pm or 2pm and 7pm etc... in the same day.

Most normal people in the real world (not weird MN hunters) don't expect their friends to starve all day long then shame force feed them. It shouldn't need to be a dirty little secret with well adjusted adults.

Then your friend is BU, not you.

You ate nearly 4 hours beforehand - that is perfectly acceptable!!

I'm not suggesting it should be a 'dirty little secret', I'm just saying that OP intentionally volunteered the information and that is why her friend noticed how much she'd eaten.

One of those things Mumsnet gets their knickers in a twist about. I couldn’t care less how much a friend eats or doesn’t at my house, I just enjoy their company. If they don’t want much, it’s leftovers for me tomorrow. I want them there for the conversation.

😆

Your friend is a right CF! What difference does it make if you ate 70% or 100%? I have a tiny appetite and no gallbladder so it's always awful when I'm invited for a meal at someone's house as I physically can't finish an average portion. Same at a restaurant. My family have always put the dishes on the table and people can help themselves to as much or as little as they want. I think that's a much more polite way to feed guests. Then there's no obligation to over eat. Next time she comes to yours for dinner, serve her an enormous portion that she can't possible finish and make sure to message her a day later to complain that she didn't finish her plate.