Friend pissed off I didn’t eat all of the dinner she made me

[HattieD]

Can I ask if you think I was unreasonable? We (my husband and I) had a dinner at my friends (and her husbands) house on Saturday. They weren’t free in the day, so prior to this, we went to an event at a local pub. This was from 2-5, and they had a free BBQ which we had a bite to eat from.

We’d told our friends about the event and the free BBQ being an added bonus. Dinner was served about 6.30 (earlier than we’d usually eat but no issue) and our friend had made a lovely but substantial meal. I gave it a good go, and probably ate about 70% of it, with DH eating slightly more of his.

On Sunday, my friend messaged to say she thought it was rude we ate at the pub and that we left ‘so much’ of our dinner. I reiterated how much we enjoyed the food and said that it was a very generous portion.

I just think that if we hadn’t mentioned the BBQ, she’d have been none the wiser and probably wouldn’t have said anything about the decent amount of food we ate?

Yes, perfectly fine.

I invite people for dinner because I want to talk to them over food & drink, as people have always done. It's got nothing to do with 'feeding' them, as if they were starving Victorian orphans.

I want them to have pleasure in the food, the drink and the company. Not to stuff their faces and beg for more. I care if they dislike the food I offer (and will offer an alternative) but I don't care how much of it they choose to eat. Who the hell am I to dictate my friends' calorie intake?

You're all weird.

I’d have not told them you’d been for an afternoon BBQ but equally none of my friends would serve dinner at 6.30pm unless children were eating with us? It’s quite off to over-face guests with huge portions, but I see why she’s a bit miffed.

you were invited for dinner and ate a substantial late lunch?

VVVV rude

These threads are always such fun.

'Eat a bbq' - what a whole one? Wow. I don't know anyone who can do that.

'A burger is a substantial meal' - have you seen that there is quite a difference between a triple stacked cheese covered bacon laced pile from say, Beefy Boys, vs a McDonalds Hamburger...? 'A Burger' is not a standard measurement quantity.

I would be fine with a small burger at 3 and then food at half six/seven. I would not even mention it.

However if someone overloads my plate, I won't be eating it all regardless of when I last ate, I can only eat so much in one sitting.

Just like your friend, too many people are focusing on the bbq. The bbq is irrelevant because you still ate most of the substantial dinner you were provided with. It is rude to comment on what or how much people eat, so I wouldn’t reciprocate with the dinner invitation with someone who thinks it’s appropriate to send a message like that.

There is nothing wrong with leaving food on your plate when you are full up. The fact that so many people seem to think it’s an issue has to be linked to the reasons behind the obesity epidemic.

I have a family member that insists on serving portions that could feed three people and who then gets offended when it isn’t all eaten. These people are hard work.

No, you aren't! (Before someone asks, I'm a healthy weight. Not that it should matter.)

YANBU you ate at 2:45 not just before you arrived

So precisely what was the 30% you left? If I served you 6 roast potatoes and you left 4, no issue. If I served you all veg on offer and you left the cabbage/cauliflower etc no issue. The meat and veggie option i would have more of an issue with. That's more effort to cook properly, more cost. If you declined dessert no issue either.

on this one it is rude in my view if your being cooked dinner and in the afternoon you have a mini dinner, personally id wait have the friends dinner then if im hungry eat x etc

They are not going to get much pleasure out of your food if they have indeed been stuffing their faces on a burger and chips beforehand!

Each to their own but I must argue that you my dear, are the weird one!

but then they could of eaten more if it was not chips and burger for lunch toast for lunch yes, but not burger etc

You had 70% of it. I really don't see an issue at all.

it would have been easier for you if you hadn't mentioned the BBQ......I mean no reason why you shouldn't eat what you want when you want though. Personally If I entertain people, I don't care how much they eat or don't eat provided they are enjoying what I made and if they are not then that's on me. If it was a meal that I had served plated, then same thing. The only time I'd be annoyed would be if it had been help yourself and you had piled your plate so others lost out and not eaten it but even then I would not have dreamed of mentioning it. Its just you'd get a plated meal from me in future. PS 6.30 is massively early for adults to eat.
TLDR: Overall she was rude not you.

Empty carbs are fine but protein isn't? 2.45 is a normal lunch time for many many people and a burger is really not a huge issue.

a subconscious non invite?????

It was very rude to tell her you’d already eaten. Also rather foolish and socially inept - as you said, if you hadn’t mentioned it, she probably wouldn’t have been too fussed you left some food. But as you did, it was obviously uppermost in her mind. So it’s your own fault and you have no comeback on her being pissed off - I would be too if I had spent time and money preparing a meal for someone ungrateful enough to eat a BBQ before coming to mine.

So what if they could have eaten more? Is there some rule about getting as much food into your guests as possible?

They each ate more than half of what must've been a pre-plated dinner. That's fine.

It's rude to plate the food for guests - they're adults who can decide how much food they want - but, if circumstances force it, there is absolutely no way a host should presume to dictate the amount a guest must eat.

Very rude. I used to slave over a meal for my super picky mil then she’d airily tell me she couldn’t help but eat a service station sandwich on the way down.

It's rude to plate.
Let your guests decide on their own portion size, why the obsession with getting everybody stuffed?
If you fill somebody's plate, you can't complain they don't finish it.

It's bizarre to serve diner at 6:30pm. Even kids often don't eat that early, so a diner party?

It's a bit late to have a burger at 3pm, but if you expected diner at 7, YABU. Have an early lunch, but mid-afternoon lunch before early diner? Come on.

I was going to say YANBU, but you knew your friend was doing dinner for you, and you still went munching food at the BBQ in the mid afternoon. If you hadn't mentioned it she probably wouldn't have cared that you left 30% of the food, but she knows you left it because you had been eating shortly before the evening meal. So that's why she pissed off.

So YABU.

Really rude!

I think the rude thing was actually to tell them that you’d eaten earlier. It makes it sound like you assumed she would underfeed you.

Three and a half hours is not "shortly before" in my life 😂

you ate 70 percent of it, i dont see the issue.

You were lucky that you didn’t go home wearing your leftovers