DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Exactly. OP sounds very insecure about herself and her ability to live a fulfilling life on her own and her own terms which is sad. She’s settling for less than she deserves while telling us all what a great deal she’s got with this man but he sounds like he doesn’t value her enough.

Did you have an affair with him ?

There is no way she was the only one in ten years

You were the young woman and now you're 37 which is old to him. He likes them young and is a bloody dad to 3 girls? Get them away from him.

He’s done it 3 times OP, once with you, early on and no again…

When he does it a fourth time, what will you do then?

I couldn’t sleep with someone who’d done what he’s done to you. I have more self respect.

You haven’t slept together in a while. I wonder why that is?

The body keeps the score OP, subconsciously, whether you admit to it consciously or not.

Stop burying your self worth and sacrificing your respect for ‘the sake of the family’.

Grow a pair of balls lady! Get angry too. Can’t believe how you keep pushing all your feelings down and minimising it all.

Yes & maybe as others have commented the fact she even mentioned him providing or words to this effect makes you wonder, if it's the lifestyle she's become accustomed to, which keeps her with him, moreso than any actual sincere love 💚

Yes & is it for the sake of her family or is she just enjoying the lifestyle she's grown to not see herself living without Just the very fact she mentioned him being a high earner, like this is her priority, makes me wonder

Are you seriously suggesting that a married person should use long-term masturbation as a reasonable substitute for sex in their marriage for over a year? When OP knows well and has said that sex is very important to her spouse. Really?

It wasn’t me suggesting it, but yes. Sometimes one partner can have serious medical problems preventing sex. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, to the exclusion of all others. I had a non religious ceremony but I still very much believe in that bit.

Yes completely concur with you
In sickness & in health
Thoroughly believe in this because none of us know what illness might be lying around the corner & we should treat others how we wished to be treated 🙏

Sex is a want not a need- plenty of men without spouses manage- are you suggesting having sex with random strangers is justified just because the husband likes sex? Really? Sex is not guaranteed in a marriage , nor should it be. Rape within marriage has only been an offence since the early 1990's- are you suggesting we return to sex within a marriage cannot be rape?

Nobody has the right to take sex off the table and expect their spouse to lump it. But they should seperate before looking elsewhere.

Agree it should be discussed, and agree the way forward.

So sorry for your miscarriage. And your daughters, but they probably know what's going on anyway?? Which makes him more horrible. Imagine sleeping with someone his own childs age?? But - You (anyone) can do so much better - even if you may be alone for a bit - maybe try to take time to 'reset' and re-start your own life again. Tough, but surely better than living with this slug. Sorry, but your 'friends' sound desperate to 'fancy' this 'man' - does he flash the cash??. After reading the whole thread & other replies - what exactly did you expect after his previous behaviour - not judging - but, hey, what a prince (he thinks he is). Please don't enable him - he sounds so up himself I am surprised he can even walk. You can walk (run) away. Now. I hope your finances are in order? Please respect yourself - you do not need this. He isn't gonna change. There are actually nice guys out there.......he isn't one of them. (better guys on dating sites who are truthful about just wanting a casual 'hook up' - maybe go for that & have fun yourself?), while getting you 'ducks in order'. - Good luck...🌹

He sounds like a lot of men who would be described as a ladies man.he is good looking and knows it. Confident and funny.He will probably cheat again .many women put up with this for a while. However it becomes hard to live with.and will.dilute the RL eventually. You.have to decide what to do.

Hope you're doing ok OP ? Know that whatever decision you made, it is completely valid as a choice as ultimately it is your life and only you will be living it.

The only reason so many posters suggested LTB was it is so clear you are way too good for him and only you can't see it clearly, @Tallscandi , but if it was happening to your best friend you would see it like we do. Stay with him or leave him, but see it for what it is either way.

I think work it through and save your family.
If he’s contrite then I’d just work with that.

Because many on here advocating oh LTB have noooooo idea how traumatic and horrific for you and the kids and him it will be if you break up the home and have to start again.

So do all you can to stay put and work this out.

imo the ltb option is a grass is greener thing. No nothing is perfect but may as well keep the kids happy and fulfill their childhood period without divorce and losing home.

Completely agree with this

Hi Op reading your posts it sounds like you are willing to forgive and forget again but do you trust him? If he went away again and repeated his selfish actions again would you still forgive him? how many times would you let him get away with? It’s your life and all posters are just giving opinions but you’re living it. If you worked full time ran the house etc. and you were the high earner would you still feel the same?

i mean - yes of course you can stay with him because he affords you the life you what - because that’s all I can see it boils down to - you have a
financially secure life. I’m surprised you say you haven’t come across once a cheater always a cheater - this is literally what your husband has done. OP - it’s your life - stay if you want but he will screw around - as he has done. If you’re ok with that becasue of the financial aspect etc - who are we to judge. Hopefully your girls are not affected/impacted by this (fyi my dad constantly cheated on my mum for over 30 years so I k so what it’s like) . Good luck.

SMH. Why do people like you even bother with marriage in the first place? Just stay single and leave good people out of your weird mind games using sex as a lever. The childish ideological toxicity is embarrassing really. I despair.

Except in this situation, it is a choice by OP to withhold sex. She could have gone to therapy to work out any challenges but has not slept with her husband in over a year, knowing how important sex is to her husband (and all healthy marriages for that matter). This is not some accident. If you do that to your spouse, chances are you are setting yourself up to be cheated on. Just facts but feel free to @ me.

Well he’s making an effort and is contrite.

Don’t underestimate the massive importance of money. When you have three kids especially. Try life without it and plus all the trauma of fundamental change before you denigrate the consideration of money. Have your kid crying because worried no food or bedroom, then say it’s not a factor.

The only real job of OP and DH is to provide a stable prosperous unworrying home for the kids. That always should come first. So if DH will attempt to behave, OP should do a deal.

He isn't interested in working on your relationship

If he is unhappy at the lack of sex but loves you he needs to talk properly and you need to listen.

Would you both have therapy ?

Hi op Did your dh have unprotected sex? Has he said? Have you asked?

Please excuse my ignorance
I'm wondering what LBT abbreviates? 💚🤔