DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Obviously, you need to buy yourself some stilettos, so you can kick him where it hurts on your way out.
Why the hell would you demean yourself and your daughters by staying with this ‘charismatic’ twat?

Interesting that you don't see unilaterally withdrawing from sex as breaking the deal. Do you think you have a right to demand celibacy from your partner, as opposed to exclusivity?

I think I’d stay with him. But he will do it again.

I've actually addressed that in another post. It's breaking the deal if you promised to provide sex whether you wanted it or not, which AFAIK people don't usually do. That would be a stupid promise to make because it could be used as a means of sexual coercion. Promising somebody access to use your body is fundamentally different from the other things we vow to give our partners, because of the invasive nature of it and the fact that it can so easily become a form of abuse.

I don't think anybody has a right to "demand" celibacy. If you're in a sexless marriage you have the choice to ask your spouse to get medical help and/or sex therapy for low libido. If the spouse refuses, you can end the relationship. You also have the choice to ask permission to have sex with others and to end the relationship if it's not granted. Both are ethical choices.

But it's all irrelevant in this case as the cheater is a serial offender, meaning it's not just about the recent problems with their sex life.

Marriage or romantic relationships are inherently sexual. That's the core difference between them and friendship.

It's inherent in the decision to go exclusive, that there will actually be an exclusive sexual relationship, not merely a life of celibacy. It doesn't have to be spelled out in so many words, because it's fundamental to the relationship.

It is only as long as someone is actually engaging in the activity that defines marriage/romantic relationship, that they have an expectation of exclusivity and fidelity. If they unilaterally withdraw, they have broken the fundamental framework of the relationship.

And I disagree it's on the partner who's been made involuntary celibate to have the discussion and potentially upend their relationship and life. Why should it be on them? The one who wants to change the fundamental framework should have the decency and courage to have a frank discussion.

FWIW @MuckFusk I disagree with you but it’s blatantly obvious you were joking about cheating for £10m - some folk want to win the point regardless- I thought you were being funny 😁

It's on them only because if the other party doesn't have a problem with it, why would they even bring it up? It's not fair, but there it is. If you approach problems with the premise that you aren't obligated to do anything about them yourself because it's not fair that somebody else isn't doing it, you won't have a happy life. It's a bit like saying that since your husband won't help with the dishes you should just throw the dishes out the window for the sake of fairness. It might feel good for 30 seconds, until you remember you have to feed the kids. It's not a productive way of thinking. Instead, if your husband is a lazy fuck who won't pull his weight, get rid of him. If your husband is a porn freak who won't fuck because he'd rather jerk off to porn, get rid of him. Otoh, if he is impotent and ashamed to bring it up, a loving spouse should open the conversation without grumbling that it's unfair, don't you think?

I don't disagree with some of your points, but I disagree that refusing sex is inherently about breaking the framework of the relationship. As in the above example, what about impotence? What about somebody who has pain during sex or is too ill to have sex? They aren't doing it deliberately, it isn't a choice, so it can't be considered breaking a promise. If they're doing it to because they're selfish and uncaring, then yes, they have broken a deal, because that's not loving behaviour.

By your reasoning one could consider a refusal to be choked and slapped during intercourse breaking the deal, because it's what the partner desires sexually. He could claim he's being deprived. As I said, the possibility for abuse is what makes a promise to provide sex so dangerous. There have to be conditions attached to it.

Thanks. You're right, some people just have to "win" and will spout any amount of nonsense so they can believe they have. Such people are exhausting.

So you were the OW, he’s now had 2 affairs and you want to forgive? Sure, but it’s clearly just who he is and he will likely do it again. How do you even know he hasn’t done anything else for 10 years?

😂😂😂😂

I bet those saying a woman losing her libido is a deal breaker would probably be more sympathetic to a man who was experiencing impotence.

Odds are you're right on the money with that.

Btw, I have an amusing story about that which you might enjoy. My asshole ex just had to be right. For example, he accused me of living in the past when I confronted him about the way he treated me. I pointed out that the incident I was referring to had happened five minutes earlier.
Ex; "See?! That's the past!"

He said many stupidly funny things like that, so I decided to keep a notebook of anecdotes.
Another one was when I pointed out that something I was doing which he was objecting to was actually what he'd said he wanted me to do a few days earlier.
Ex; "Just because I said it doesn't mean it's true!"

Your not bothered about affairs or cheating that seriously or you would have done something about it by now. As you keep mentioning your cosy life due to his good financial state is what keeps you there and happy

I’m going out in a limb here… he provides a good standard of living for you and your children and you knew he would before you got involved with him.
I suspect financials will win out in the end.
And you have a relationship built on the behavior (yours and his) you are now “upset” about.

He’s a man who needs other women and this is who he is.
you haven’t had sex since last year so I’d say the marriage is over. He isn’t going to change and although you think he hasn’t had an affair for the last ten years til now I think you know he will have had dalliances at least because that’s who he is. You need to leave him and find your own way as you’re still so young.

“He is in a high earning job”
Is that also one of the reasons you married him, OP?

Did you have a career before you had children?

I think you have already decided to stay with him and just wanted justification. I appreciate it's a very hard decision to make. Only you know if you can forgive him and move on without getting the sickening images of him with someone else out of your head. Cheating once can be seen as a mistake or warning that something is missing from the marriage. Cheating twice is a pattern. My biggest issue would be the constant worry was he texting or meeting up with anyone. Was he still flirting with said woman. Once the trust has gone it's very difficult to navigate a marriage feeling on edge constantly worrying about your partners infidelity. If being faithful to you isn't high on your list of priorities with a man, then maybe you can forgive and forget. Until the next time he does it. And, there will be a next time as he faces no consequences for his previous actions. Good luck to you though.

OP cheating with a younger woman is likely to always be a thing for him, after all he left someone more his own age for you in the first place, why would you think that would not be a thing for him, even if you are still in your thirties?- patterns of behaviour tend not to change, something you know in your heart if your Dad was a serial cheater.
Don't get caught up with the idea it's partly your fault because you pushed him away a little after your miscarriage, accept that sleeping with someone else is not a reasonable, or necessary response to you having a miscarriage-not being able to have sex for a time because of a devastating event in your life is not a response of someone who loves and cares about you. You are desperately making excuses for him because you love him-but don't fall into the trap of assuming he loves you too, look at his behaviour, not at what he says.
To be honest his behaviour does not anywhere suggest he loves you-you need to be aware of this, even if you stay with him- he may love his children, but that doesn't mean you are in a loving relationship.
I'm not saying leave him, but be eyes open and see your relationship, and your home situation from a more realistic perspective.

Hello - just to clarify as others also mentioned this, she is not a colleague but someone who works in the same (somewhat niche) industry, she's from a different country as well.

I was a model before I had children, and he then supported me while I retrained - but I haven't worked full time

And just to say - It's obviously a bit grey area, but I wasn't the OW - they had a Ross and Rachel style 'on a break' where they were technically allowed to be with other people, but not really expected to - and I was not aware at the time ! We then got together properly after his relationship ended. I became pregnant quite quickly by accident - that was my responsibility really (v irregular periods and, a bit complicated) - which is partly why we stayed together

Does She live in another country or here? Just being from another country doesn’t stop someone seeing you. I don’t buy your dh’s excuse: you don’t just fall into bed with someone. There is usually a build up to it even if that build up happens over the course of a single evening.

Op, you don’t have to justify your actions (except to yourself, I guess). You must do what you want. Nothing you say is going to make most of us change our minds and say what you want to hear. You must have a lot of doubt inside you to want our agreement so badly. I am sorry that you are going through this.

Your dh is effectively trying to say that she more or less assaulted him, which we all know is just not true.

So this best friend, good father, and really kind, sensitive, loving, and generous man just couldn’t resist an offer of sex with a shiny new and young OW?

@Tallscandi, you are foolish to have this serial cheat on a pedestal. He is no prize.

A wonderful Husband/Father does not abuse his Wife and make a mockery of his marriage and family by shagging a flirt at a work event. Likewise, a ‘kind and loving’ man does not treat his adoring partner and little girls like shit on his shoe by having a sleazy fling during the early marital years.

Of concern is his coming clean to you because your friend figured out that he’d had a hook-up and confronted him. Had she not realized his transgression, you’d still be in the dark, your agency and choices stolen by H.

Have you imposed any sharp consequences for his latest heinous betrayal, such as sending him away for a while? Did you impose any the first time around? He clearly never worked on his character flaws after his initial infidelity. To have pulled this again, he must be confident that you’re not going anywhere.

Please be aware that H’s adultery is all on him. The ramifications of your traumatic miscarriage are not to blame for his faithless choices and behavior. If he had issues within the marriage, he had a range of ethical options to use to address those. It is an entitled, self-serving, weak-boundaried man who chooses to cheat and harm his family twice with the help of his various sex partners. He is a poor role model for your daughters and a poor candidate for an authentic reconciliation.

@Tallscandi, your H will absolutely cheat again. That this is (at least) his third infidelity in his life speaks volumes. He is not monogamous, and when circumstances align for him in the future, he will betray, degrade and humiliate you again. And it makes no difference that you have open access to his devices, as you have discovered.

In your shoes, I would consult a lawyer and make an exit plan.

Agree with this.

Also please don’t teach your daughters that it is acceptable to be treated this way