DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Oh dear. I'm sorry. Alas, any "restrictions" you put on him aren't likely to work. He has had multiple affairs in the past - including cheating on you multiple times - and there's really nothing much stopping him from doing it again. If you don't trust him anymore - and it sounds like you don't - then very little you do can fix that situation.

Has he expressed any remorse or done anything proactive to address why he screws around and, more importantly, to prevent himself from doing so in the future? For example: has he done the work to find himself a therapist/shrink so he can identify what about the situations caused him not only to cheat, but also to think it was acceptable to do so?? If he's just "confessing" - and only because he didn't have much choice given it was bound to be found out at some point anyway - then it sounds like he's not doing nearly as much to figure out his cheating/prevent it in the future as you are.

He's the one who needs to be doing the work here, not you. And if indeed you haven't had sex for a year because, in your words, of the impact of miscarriage: you are hurting. You deserve support, and if he was/is missing a sexual relationship then the thing to do is to communicate with you and to work that out together. If you've pushed him away then it's understandable that he'd feel uncertain and worried, but that does not excuse cheating. If he truly thought that you were done with sex and did not find him attractive, and if that was a situation that meant he wanted sex elsewhere, then he should have sought a divorce, not an affair.

Wishing you all the best with this. Sadly I fear you likely do need to be thinking about divorce - if only so you have your options open and have the information to hand so you can make sure you know what to do/how to make sure that you and your children are okay if you do decide to end the marriage. Remember: he already decided to have sex with someone else - so you wouldn't be out of line to consider that he's already decided the relationship has ended.

Of course, on the flip side: if you don't want to have sex anymore, and are fine with him seeking sexual fulfilment elsewhere, then so be it - there are relationships like that that do work...but you would need to be very clear about the boundaries of that arrangement, what is and is not acceptable, and whether you could actually be happy knowing your husband is having an intimate relationship with someone else - or many someone else's.

Hopefully you get the therapy/support/guidance you need to try to deal with this as best and as anxiety/drama free as possible, both for your sake and for the sakes of your children.

I find the fact that @Tallscandi had not had sex with her dh for a year quite interesting. That might be something to look into, op because there might be more reasons for this than the miscarriages - devastating though they are. You just might have not wanted him to touch you for whatever reason. Moving forward I wonder if you have thought of how you will address this in the future (I know this is private so I am not asking yiubtonreveal that here. It is just something to think about).

I am appalled that people think he is justified in going behind OP’s back for sex. Yuck.

How is it viperous to suggest you might not be perfect? Nobody is, it's not personal.

You seem to like to give yourself a lot of credit in general ("I have been excruciatingly polite and patient..." etc) but seems as though you don't like people to disagree with you. It certainly sends you into a spin.

I don't really understand what you mean by 'projection' here, you seem to be using it as an insult? Do you mean you think 'I feel this way about my own self and am trying to apply it to you as well?' Well, of course that's true - it applies to everyone, me included - we are all human. Except you, apparently - you are very much above that, you have been very clear.

That's not a logical equivalence. Human behavior isn’t governed by physical laws like the sun’s rising, it's much, much more fragile and unpredictable. We can 'know ourselves' all we want, but people are complex and influenced by emotions, circumstances, and change—unlike the (near) certainty of astronomical patterns.

It's really not the insult people are taking it as, it's just life. The reaction to the mere suggestion that people might not be perfect is so interesting, on a thread that has so many posts sneering at OP for not making the right choices, or not reacting in the 'right' way.

It is a logical equivalence, because you said you can’t know what you would do (even if you’ve been in that situation before) until you experience whatever hypothetical is in the future. But we reasonably make predictions.

As for “physical laws” - they include that the water in your kettle is technically just as likely to freeze as it is boil. And yet, we all consider that we know what will happen when we put the kettle on. According to you it is simply unacceptable to consider we know anything about what could or couldn’t happen in relation to ourselves. You were insulting another poster calling her arrogant and describing her belief in herself as hubris. It seemed totally over the top to me, and I pointed out the logic behind your insistence that we can’t predict the future.

Can we trust ourselves not to do other morally reprehensible things like going on a killing spree in a school?

I never made any judgement of the OP. Or her husband. And I don’t think many people think they are perfect just because they have faith in themselves that they wouldn’t do certain things.

"water in your kettle is technically just as likely to freeze as it is boil. And yet, we all consider that we know what will happen when we put the kettle on"

...

... what?

Whatever it is you mean here, you're still trying to apply physics, which isn't affected by emotions or fallability, to human behaviour which is.

The sun rising and water boiling is very different to someone misjudging their own virtue.

Oh for god’s sake. You said “the near certainty of physical laws”. I was pointing out that actually, since you’re the one that wants to be pedantic physical laws can’t be relied upon. According to physics, the water in your kettle is just as likely to freeze as it is to boil. This is my entire point.

The sun might not rise in the morning, the water might freeze in your kettle - we can never know anything until it happens.

We make reasonable predictions. Of the world around us and of ourselves. I don’t think you can call someone having belief in themselves “hubris” in a post that started “Is English your first language?”

Come on , you know what they mean.

I would add that it isn’t just about predicting how we might act in the future, it is also about having a moral compass. For some people one infidelity is a bottom line and no amount of remorse or pleading will make them have the cheater back. We all have a sense of our values.

I am picking up that OP’s values may be at war with her current decision, which is why she has turned to MN, but we can’t really resolve that conundrum for her. She has to own her decision, even if it goes against her better judgement.

Also for some people, sex is just sex and doesn't mean anything to them so a one off shag is nothing more than a bodily function. People can scream and disagree with me about this but it is a truth.

Ah crack on OP. Just stop posting on forums when you find out he's having another affair. No more sympathy from me and I'm sure a few other posters would agree.

Of course he’s going to apologise and say he’s in the wrong. He doesn’t want to upset the applecart of home.
You let him off before when you found out.

That’s giving him permission to do it again, and again.

You said he’d only cheated twice, once 10 years ago, but you cannot know that. He sounds like a serial shagger and especially with age, he will want more validation he can still pull. You want to make excuses for him and I can understand not wanting to go it alone since you have a cushy life just now and children, but don’t kid yourself. Bear in mind, too, he is a health risk. You do you. Just remember , every time you find out and stay, he knows he can do it again with impunity. He will say whatever it takes to brush it away in your head

OK, Dear. Well, if water freezes or boils in your kitchen without the application of the correct change of temperature then you let me know. I suggest you call NASA. Or a priest.

However, If you or a friend simply find yourself in an emotional situation where you have made decisions or actions you didn't previously think you ever would, you can probably rest assured that's well within the bounds of the normal human condition. No need to alert the media.

Come on , you know what they mean.

I have genuinely no idea what they mean.

I agree with your last point though, I think if OP truly believes that it was OK and forgivable to her, she wouldn't have needed to ask the question.

I once knew a man similiar. His wife said he was a good man and father. He confessed every slip up. On should I say slip in …..🤢

the three daughter adored him and she stayed not wanting to split the family up. Always compensated her for the affair.

He always had a reason and he was so bloody wonderful. She said she was strong threatened to leave him a number of times but carried on as ‘he always chose them’, eldest daughter married a cheating version of her father and her husband shags about and she puts up with it just like her mother.

Except one day, rather conveniently not long after the youngest had left home and pretty much after her graduation. He left. The latest affair was serious. Meanwhile his long suffering wife was now 60 and had raised the girls and she thought they would side with her. But no. They appreciated that wonderful dad hadn’t been happy for years but had stayed for them. They appreciated he wasn’t happy.

He helped that at this point - he had a load of money gifted to new woman who was also very wealthy and younger and active and he could buy the ex wife out of the family home she wanted to keep (she had spent 40 years building and nesting the perfect house). He agreed, but a judge also agreed although she got the house, his new wife and his new two girls also needed support. He had also spent years moving money around - and I mean 40 years of it.

ex wife didn’t embrace her single life she was grumpy, run down and miserable and the three girls wanted nothing to do with her really as she was (understandably) bitter and they loved their new step mother and siblings! Ironic really.

I also have someone I used to work with pop on my FB every week gushing about her wonderful husband who has had at least 30 affairs. She tells everyone how perfect he is. Been together since late teens and she will never leave him.

You cheating husband and he is multiple cheat will always do it - me I wouldn’t want to look over my shoulder all the time and he would be gone

I was quite obviously saying that we do rely on the water in the kettle to boil, and rightly so.

If you’d prefer to think of yourself as unethical until proven otherwise, that’s up to you.

No need to be condescending to people who believe in themselves.

It was also his responsibility. Don't give men a free pass. If they don't want any accidental children, they can have a vasectomy or use bombproof contraception. They could also not screw around.

Virile men cannot/ should not stay off sex for that long.

Oh, poor weak-willed virile men who just can't help themselves. My heart goes out to them..........

God that poor woman. Shame on her daughters too.
That's another reason I filed for divorce and kicked my ex out. I wanted my children to understand that you dont treat people like the way their dad treated us, and that actions have consequences.

You very clearly said water was 'just as likely' to freeze as it was to boil. I can't help you with that.

You can believe in yourself. It's the lack of room for any kind of self-doubt that makes you unreasonable.

I also didn't say anyone was unethical until proven otherwise. You seem to be having an argument that I'm not.

I’m a physicist, so I suppose I took a physical example to illustrate your logic (you can’t predict something until it happens). The water boiling or freezing is part of thermodynamic probability which suggests you can’t necessarily rely on those physical laws you called “certain” when compared to human behaviour. Nothing is infallible. We make reasonable predictions. You think I’m unreasonable, I think you’re unreasonable.

Just forget it. You can believe whatever you like.

If you're a physicist and you can't distinguish between the near certainty of physical laws and the unpredictability of human behaviour I'd give up your day job.

Someone acting against their moral compass when lonely, vulnerable or horny is not the same as water freezing when heat is applied . Get it together.

Omg red flag. Fuck him off.

Absolutely this. You know about two times but surely there have been many others. But you seem to excuse this with him being charismatic.

So while I agree her daughters did the wrong thing, personally I can’t say “shame on her daughters” because they are victims too.

This “poor woman” and her husband created and enabled a highly dysfunctional and immoral environment and raised 3 girls within that environment.

It’s most likely they were aware what their dad was doing and that their mum kept allowing it and was being “compensated”. Was she really staying just for the kids ? Or was she staying for herself too?

My cousin always say she’s so glad her aunt left her abusive husband ( her dad) when we were kids and raised them alone. She taught them good morals and taught the girls especially fierce independence and self-respect through her actions. It sounds like you did similar unlike this woman who normalised cheating to them growing up by tolerating it repeatedly.

So unfortunately that’s the morals she (and their dad) taught them in those critical formative years and have instilled in them.
Hence the older one’s choice of husband.
Yes he is mostly to blame as the cheat, but to some extent it was both parents who actually done the girls a great disservice.

Maybe one day they’ll go to therapy and be able to unpick everything and realise how disgusting their dad was. However for now it’s sad but not altogether surprising they have sided with the fun dad and his happy new wife instead of their “grumpy bitter” mum. It is understandable she’s bitter, but no-one wants to be around that.

He didn’t have an affair it was another one night stand. Only you can make this decision op. If he does it again will you also accept it? He might be contrite but it’s not his first time is it. Did he tell because your friend had worked it out and might have told you. At the end of the day you are the one who has to live with him, sleep with him after this. He might not go looking for it but he isn’t saying no either is he. You have bigged him up on here best of everything so you are likely to stay. I once read if you decide to forgive a cheater you also have to forget as it can’t work unless you did both. I think others mentioned your dd as an example if they married a cheater and forgave them more than once would you encourage them or would you be livid that a man has disrespected your DD especially after the first one. Once a cheater always a cheater next time it might be someone that your friends don’t know and he won’t have to confess. Your life your choice.