DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything.- that you are aware of. Just because you told you about this one doesn't mean he has been faithful for 10years.
What example are you setting for your girls? This is not a good father, what example is he setting?

However, it's seems like you just wanted to let off steam rather than look a solution.. he knows you won't leave.

Basically it's your choice, I feel in love with a good looking charmer, my mother warned me, he cheated continually I gave him the benefit more than once and got egg on my face, apparently he's still the same now. Sorry OP, he won't change

I would advise that you sort out the lack of sex. Is there a good, medical reason? If you find it difficult to talk, you need to get a counsellor to assist. Either have a marriage or don't. You sound like you are drifting and that's not good for either of you.

I think that infidelity might be a bit of a passion killer now….

I would have felt sorry for you after the first time, but he's done it again and here you are excluding him. If that's the case, don't bother posting and just accept he will do this again.

In regards to the...he's only cheated twice and they've come into him...what a crock of shit! He's cheated two times...that you know if. I'm sure theres more.

What's not been discussed is did he use protection or has he put you in danger of STIs? Because, if that ever happened there should be no second chance let alone third, fourth...

You seem more worried about his income and you maintaining your lifestyle than him being a cheat and your posts have mentioned it a few times, so I'm using your words there.

Yeah people shouldn't outright call you stupid, but I can understand why people are annoyed. You'll only be back here again when you find out he's cheated and people will think we'll they told you and you didn't listen.

I wouldn't stay stupid but you definitely are gullible. And you need to take this seriously. Get him off that pedestal you've put him on and kick him out.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t read all the post or replies as there are so many…

My thoughts are:

1. This is him, he’ll do it again.
2. All relationships are about what we are willing to accept and tolerate / you need to find your own cocktail.
3. Could therapy be helpful, either as a couple or independently?
4. If the sex drive is a mismatch, could you consider a solution where he has an agreed outlet for this? I am a therapist and a patient of mine once came to an arrangement with her bf for her to do this. I believe it was successful. Again, possibly something to discuss in therapy, it needs to be done consciously with appropriate boundaries.

I don't think this is the right place for you to make a decision. I think it's perfectly possible for you to stay with him for the reasons you have described if you properly consider whether it's what you really want and take time, create conditions that might include both of you really deciding what you want and need. Making the decision to leave just because it would be what people would objectively advise (people who are not in the situation) might make you less happy. But it is likely that you will never feel completely able to trust him again if he can't avoid a flirting woman by his age, so staying with him might mean that you accept he might have other affairs / flings and you might have to accept it and live as friends. I hope you take time to decide and do what's right for you.

@Tallscandi I signed up specifically to chime in and say KEEP YOUR FAMILY TOGETHER! Please, please ignore all the high-minded, single cat-lady advice that you should divorce your husband. You love each other and can overcome this challenge together. Your children clearly adore him and will 'thank you' later for not breaking the family up. It is also important to recognise that you denied him sex for a year - you inadvertently put him and your marriage in harm's way. What were you expecting to happen - that he's suddenly celibate?

Virile men cannot/should not stay off sex for that long. He also confessed to you, which is a good sign. If you listen to some of these women here, you will break up your family, and chances are, you will never get another man who is as good as your husband. The dating world is rough out there today. If you want to "be free" and be passed around by unserious boyfriends, then that too is an option. I wish you well and I hope you do what's best for your family, not what others say.

Far from single-cat ladies, we just have better self respect!

Comprehension is not an asset of yours, did you miss the bit where he was fucking another woman 10 years ago, he wasn’t celebate then, so why did he do it? Oh because he could…. So he did, he fancied shagging someone else for a change.

The children won’t thank her, they’ll see a downtrodden dominated 40 year old, who got left (finally) for a younger model, after doing the pick me dance twice at least.

If you’re stupid enough to think these two occasions he got caught are the only two……well 🤣🤣🤣

Set a higher bar for yourself, it’s embarrassing!

Ladies, internalized misogyny has landed.

Good hairy grief.

Then it's time to get back into the working world. He may leave you for one of these women. Protect yourself financially if you're planning to stay. Don't assume he'll be reasonable and pay generous child support. You couldn't live decently on that anyway.

I'm confused. Previously you indicated they had agreed not to see other people.
At any rate you can't trust what he said about that. Maybe they weren't even on a break.

You are spot on your analysis and solutions to this situation.

I think kind of thing hsppens a lot more than people care to talk about.

Their marriages become sort of marriages of convenience where people know onlt too well what id happening. But put up with it, and pretend to be happy and have the perfect family.

Having affairs and mistreses used to be quite commonplace in Europe back in the day. Nobody is perfect

Hope this lady makes the right decision.

Was this meant for me? It seems so. Please mention the poster you are replying to because I didn't get a notification of the reply.

Okay, assuming it is for me, first off, I didn't come for you. I wondered why you seemed angry and were being so confrontational. So that's it. I wasn't saying you cheated. I made a general comment that sweeping statements of the nature that apply to every human being on earth tend to be rationalizations. Apologies if it came off like an accusation that you cheated. I am often too blunt and don't realize it.
I wasn't saying I'm superior to others either. Don't know how you got that but it seems like you overreacted to my comments.

To the human behaviour comment; I only have to understand myself to know what I'm capable of. I know there are some lines I do not and will not cross, given that I have free choice. It's not "arrogance" or "ignorance" to know what your limits are. It's about me, not about you or anybody else, so what else is there to know which would change that? It is, otoh, arrogant and ignorant to presume you know what other people are capable of better than they do. You don't. May I respectfully suggest you accept that and get over it?

Maybe this will help you to understand; I'm actually on the spectrum and hyper-focused on behaving ethically, so that probably plays into it. So yeah, I guess I am a bit odd, lots of people are. I don't mind you saying it and I don't think it's a bad thing to be odd. My point is that humans aren't as one size fits all as you seem to believe and I just couldn't live with myself if I violated that rule. I have also had experiences which have made me aware of how destructive it can be, so I am not going there. You can choose to believe me or not but kindly don't tell me who I am. That's not much to ask.

I hope that (finally!) puts this disagreement to bed and have a good day.

Leopards don't change their spots unfortunately. He has most likely cheated at other times in your marriage. I feel you need to think carefully about your daughter's and what example it sets them.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do going forward.

"Virile men cannot/should not stay off sex for that long"- why not, have they never heard of masturbation? Many "virile" men can and do stay off sex for that long and longer if it is not available. Are men such animal like creatures they have to have sex? I think you do them a great disservice- the rape rates would be sky high if you take this to it's logical conclusion.
Women are expected to abstain when it is not socially acceptable, or not available-why not men?

Is English your first language?

I'm well aware you didn't accuse me of cheating. I said before you do. Before means 'in advance of'

You stamping your feet is not an argument. It doesn't really matter how outraged you get, you are not special, your circumstances are not unique, and you are not immune to the fallability of being human. You do NOT know what lies in the future or how you'll react - you think you do, but you can't possibly, that's just a fact.

No one wants to believe that they will ever commit morally repugnant acts but philosophy, psychology and history all suggest otherwise. History is teeming with examples of people doing all sorts of things they didn't think they were capable of, until they were. Ordinary people doing terrible, terrible things. It absolutely is arrogance to suggest that you could never be susceptible to the frailty of the human condition.

If you want to 'put this disagreement to bed' (by that, I assume you want me to stop contradicting you and pointing out your hubris) then by all means stop posting. This is an open forum, I am free to pick you up on anything at all.

One thing OP hasn't mentioned is did he use protection?

"I became pregnant quite quickly by accident - that was my responsibility really (v irregular periods and, a bit complicated) - which is partly why we stayed together"

At some point, if he cheats again, he could have a repeat of the beginning of his relationship with OP, where she became unexpectedly pregnant and she even admits this is part of why they stayed together. Another woman could come along with a pregnancy.

Misogynistic as the post reads, @thepragmatic has a point. OP's husband has cheated before, has cheated recently, and very likely will cheat again with such unmatched sex drives. This guy is just not going to stay celibate voluntarily. They're going to have to come to some resolution about sex.

OP, you might want to have counseling about the issues you had after your last miscarriage and now your husband's cheating.

I don't expect you have any sudden revelations or changes of plans, @Tallscandi, but I can see you're absorbing information and putting it into your head for future reconsideration.

Like many others, I find it unlikely that your delightfully attractive, charmingly sociable husband has only cheated three times. If this were the case - what is it about this particular 29-year-old that prompted him to abandon his marital ethics and loyalty to you? Just the once, on an occasion when he was surrounded by close and gossipy colleagues?

To hear you tell it, this was a complete about-turn for him. An extraordinary event. What, then, do you believe made it happen? He wasn't excruciatingly lonely. He may have been feeling under-appreciated sexually, but that's been ongoing for some time - and nobody looking to 'scratch the itch' does it so publicly, so close to home.

In my extensive experience of cheating spouses, friends and colleagues tend to cover up for the cheat. People who care for you, even slightly, generally avoid throwing grenades into your life. It's more likely your H is known to enjoy a change of sexual scenery, and the colleague felt he was taking it too far by being unusually blatant.

I'm not exhorting you to end your marriage. I am asking you to think very carefully on what you now know about that marriage.

I was relying on others to make this point - and they have, in various ways. I'm not sexually jealous. That is, I've never felt devastated that my partners had sex with other women - and would have done it myself, only they'd been very clear they were quite a bit more possessive than I was!

That imbalance, itself, should've been enough to get me packing my bags. My view, though, was that I wasn't upset by having only one sexual partner, neither was I upset that my husbands (yes, both of 'em) had more.

But it doesn't end there. You eventually become aware that the people around you know about this imbalance and are, basically, lying to you. I felt this soiled all my friendships and I was angry that they'd been manipulated into this position. Then it becomes apparent the one-nighters are not always one-offs: there are repeat visits; plans which are hidden from you; you're gradually squeezed out, little by little, from your own marriage. You find yourself striving to keep your balance in a destabilising situation, unsure not only of the truth but of whether you have a right to know what's true. Then one of the extra relationships becomes an affair, and that is horrible.

I know some couples do have successfully open marriages, but I think they're playing with fire. If I'm ever daft enough to have another relationship, I will strongly demand fidelity with no second chances. As humans, many of us can separate sex from love. What we can't do is control when our emotions do get involved.

By that logic you can’t know for sure that the sun will come up tomorrow. Just because you have strong reasons to think it will, you can’t know for sure until it happens and you actually see it then and there. Something could happen that totally changes the operation of the solar system (or even ends it). Barring that, I think we’ve all got a pretty good idea what will happen…

Similarly, unless something happens that turns you into a totally different person and for some reason all your life experiences can no longer be relied upon, we can know ourselves well enough to say what we would or wouldn’t do in lots of circumstances. (Not everyone does know themselves that well, but surely it’s arrogant of you to assume you can say with certainty that nobody does?)

Good luck with it.
I'm sure he will be more careful so he doesn't get caught.
Just because you haven't witnessed the once a cheater saying doesn't mean it isn't happening they just never get caught again..
The whole story sounded like it was doomed to fail IMO. But you hooked up with someone old enough to have fathered you who already had form. So I wish you luck on your quest to fix him you won't be the only person giving that a go with a scum bag... The biggest risk is wasting more time.. But I see people like yourself do it all the time..

Unbelievable level of projection and clearly no self awareness at all. You're the one stamping your little feet in a temper here.
I've been excruciatingly polite and patient with this viperous, ego-fueled noise you're making. Well no more. You can't be reasoned with because you have to believe you have "won." It's downright pathological. My hubris? That's as perfect a projection as I've ever seen.

Your opinions, beliefs and prejudices are not "facts." You're clearly determined to bully me into submission, and it's just not happening. I won't be bothering with any more of your rants.

Great point. It's important she know about projection because of STDs as well. The problem is that he'll likely lie and say he used it.
Also agree that there's no way this "charismatic" swinging dick is going to stay celibate.