DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Once is a forgiveable mistake.

Twice is a choice.

And don't forget that the whole relationship started with you being the other woman.

So thats at least 3 times. Perhaps he was "on a break" because he'd also cheated.

The guy clearly can't keep his dick in his pants.

If you’re happy that your husband cheats on you every now and then, then don’t leave. It’s your marriage and completely up to you.

What struck me is you are or were attempting for baby number 4 with him. Why? You don’t have financial independence and he’s not reliable or loyal. You’re putting yourself in a bit of a sticky wicket.

Rather than focus on more kids, I’d be having a bit of therapy to see why you don’t value loyalty. Do you not feel worthy?

Thank you - this is partly how I see it. I know we love each other, I don't doubt that. But he has always had a higher sex drive , has always been more flirtatious and extroverted - I'm much more the stay-at-home type
For context, I also get my fair share of attention- I used to be a model. But it is not my style at all to e.g. explore an open relationship

Disagree that it's relevant how "charismatic" he is (he sounds like a pig).

But for context, I work with a man who's half like how you describe your DH. He's pushing 60 I think, but gorgeous and always has been. Very smart, funny, great personality, an absolute silver fox tbh, and a millionaire many times over. I've seen so many women (especially after a few) outrageously flirting with him. Gorgeous 25 year old trainees laughing and putting their arm around him. He shuts them down, completely stone walls them, and the only woman I've ever seen him touch or heard him talk highly of (in a non-work sense) is his wife of 30 odd years who he adores and clearly respects. It's no more than she deserves and it's the bare minimum but I'm sad that you don't think you deserve the same just because you married an (old) catch.

If you stay with him, he knows it's OK to cheat on you, multiple times. What do you want your daughters to learn about respect from you?

He’s basically told you that he will only be faithful to you as long as a woman doesn’t flirt with him.

He's absolved himself of all responsibility for cheating and is blaming it on the woman who, in his eyes, shouldn’t have caused him to cheat 🙄

Don’t you imagine that this 29yr old was fed the same lines that you were when you got together with him? He probably told her that you were divorcing/on a break; why wouldn’t he? It worked with you.

He’s being sweet to you now because he knows you could take half his pension, half the equity in the house (or more), half the savings, cars etc and he’ll have to parent alone and do his own laundry etc.

He's a liar and a cheat, he’s been one since you met him and he’s not going to change, only you can decide if you can live with that, but I couldn’t.

Look, no-one on here can tell you to throw away your good marriage if you want to try and save it.

I think an affair or a ONS would not be something I could ever forgive. But that doesn’t mean people don’t get over infidelity, they do. My good friend’s husband had an extremely brief fling (think 2 weeks max). She forgave him (it was tough) but they made it. It was at least 20 years ago and they are extremely happy and solid.

I think I accepted this as who he is because he doesn't chase women

Erm, you met as an affair, he had affair when you had young children and now he's banging a woman young enough to be his daughter at a work conference. I'd get them blinkers off quick and find a solicitor.

Possibly an alcohol influenced ons could be in time forgiven. But this is now his 3rd time (that you are aware of). Of course you can stay with him if you want to but it's very likely he will do the same again. It's up to you to decide if you can live with that. Is whatever else he brings to the marriage worth it,,?

If you do stay with him, at least do it with your eyes open and stop making excuses for him. He’s a serial philanderer (“on a break”! Did you come down in the last shower?) and he will continue to do it again and again.

Just look at all the excuses you’ve made for him.

but if you’re happy to stay for the financial security prepare to be devastated like this again and again

Well no Yanbu. Only you are living your life and so you have to live it the way you want to.
But, he was cheating with you when you met, and has now cheated on you twice. It absolutely will happen again, why wouldn't it? He has no consequences- the wording of your post makes it sound like it will all be forgotten about and not mentioned again by next week. Calling his cheating 'flings' , which by definition are relatively harmless and fun. That is not what it is when a married man with a family cheats. Don't minimise his terrible, disrespectful behaviour.

So long as you make peace with the fact he will cheat again and probably has more then you will ever know.
Then stay together.
Its a crap example to give your children . But again that's your choice
Really its what you think you can put up with longterm . As he won't change.

He's clearly into flings. Personally I would fling him!

What part of your wedding vows didn't include an expectation?!

I'm not sure that any expectation you set will have any impact whatsoever andyou are fooling yourself if you think it will.

Stay with him if you want but you know this will happy repeatedly over the years.

What he brings - he honestly is my best friend and he is really kind, sensitive, loving, generous otherwise. He's given me and our daughters an amazing quality of life and they adore him. He's enabled me to pursue my creative but unstable career
For me at the moment those things are 'worth it' but I can't tell. Thanks ou so much everyone for replying so far.

He can be all those patience things. But he's also a cheat.

He will cheat on you over and over again. It's who he is. What he does.

But if you can live with that, go for it.

I thing is, OP, he doesn’t love you. I’m sorry if that’s blunt, but he doesn’t. If you choose to stay with him, that is something you definitely have to accept, because believing otherwise is a complete self-deception – likely the only way you can try to live with it. If you really want to stay with him, best view it as a mutually beneficial financial situation with occasional sex and, the odd laugh and conversation, and accept that instead – that would at least be accurate.

He’s had more than one affair (that you know of – there will 100% be others) and your relationship began in the same way. This isn’t love, this is him using women to please his needs.

I read your title prepared to give the situation the benefit of the doubt because I know it’s not black and white. I didn’t expect to read a scenario where it’s pretty black and white …

You need to love yourself more @Tallscandi imagine you were one of your daughters…would you honestly be ok with how little the expect of a man and how little self worth they have? I wouldn’t!!

My dh is lead singer in a band (not well known widely but locally has a following). He’s often surrounded by drunk women throwing themselves at him. Do you know what? He is polite but manages not to sleep with any of them. Your dh is choosing to do this because he knows he has power and you’ll accept and forgive. My dh knows I’d show him the door, but I’ve always made myself financially secure so I can live without him. I don’t want to do that but I won’t be treated like a mug. It’s your choice, your life.

Mad how he shags someone else but you are the one ‘still working through that and upset’, so think about that.

FWIW I think you would be crazy to stay with him but you will do it anyway.

I can understand the desire to stay OP. He's a good father, fun to be with and a high earner. I assume you have a fairly comfortable life. But you would be staying in the knowledge that he will most probably forever be a cheat. He's done it before and in fact you were one of them! I would suggest you don't have anymore children in case you change your mind about leaving. How old are your kids?

Was it your choice not to have sex with him? A year is a very long time. I'm not condoning his actions but if you decide to stay with him, you need to resolve the lack of sex in your marriage.

It depends if it hurts you or not. Lots of people have open arrangements and are happy. Other are miserable. If you're fine with it (from the bottom of your heart) why break up? If you're unhappy, then you have to end it.
I think with people like your DH, it's better to work with his personality instead of trying to fight it.

He's given me and our daughters an amazing quality of life and they adore him. He's enabled me to pursue my creative but unstable career
For me at the moment those things are 'worth it' but I can't tell.

So you’re ok with being treated like shit for the £££ basically? Is that what you want to teach your daughters?

I’m sorry you’re married to such an arsehole but you need to have a hard think about the above.

Also agree with PP that he’s either the most spectacularly unlucky man on the planet that he happens to have been spotted by a close friend one of the only two times he’s cheated or he’s a prolific shagger, I know which my moneys on.

Fast forward twenty years and imagine one of your DDs being in the same situation.

Would you advise them to swallow their self respect and turn a blind eye?
Or would you tell them to run for the hills with their self worth intact?

Or, like me, have raised DDs that would have worked this out for myself, because they had a mum who kicked a cheater out and thrived.

He's a serial cheat and he's not going to change. You think he hasn't had an affair since the one 10 years ago but you don't really know.

In the next few years, you'll likely find yourself dumped for another younger woman.

Look at his pattern and get your ducks lined up in preparation for your marriage to end.

I just saw he's supporting you financially and your career won't cover if you split. You should retrain for something that you can support you and your kids on. He's not reliable.