DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

You give your husband an awful lot of excuses.

• He didnt have an affair with you because technically he 'was on a break' even though he didnt respect you enough to tell you so you could choose. Betting he didn't tell his wife either.
• It's not his fault you got pregnant because you have irregular periods and that responsibility is all yours.
• The first affair wasn't really an affair because it was early on.
• The second affair was justified because you didnt want sex after a severe trauma.

He is a grown man making his choices and none of them are your fault. It's fine to accept those choices and that's up to you, but you are infantilising him by allowing you, and probably him, to think that there are not conscious choices. They are. I did post earlier: my main advice to you remains, stay in the marriage but please get some financial independence . That can only help you now and in the future.

I would recommend that you look further ahead than where you are now. What do you see for your future? What do you want for yourself? What example do you want to set for your kids? And what “societal pressures”, fears and anxieties are holding you back from achieving these? This could be really scary (I’m a coach!) but it’s time to be honest with yourself. At the moment your emotions are keeping you swirling in a vortex of confusion. Hope that helps. X

Is he remorseful @Tallscandi ? Your description of him being ‘contrite’ could suggest he’s a bit ‘ooops’ rather than deeply regretful of his choices and the impact he’s had and grovelling to save his marriage. When he last cheated, what consequences did he face? What changes did he commit to? Was it similar with a woman ‘throwing herself’ at him, or did he persue that one?

You forgot

• he’s a charismatic chick magnet who always has young women throwing themselves at him, and constantly batting them away takes its toll

You're right, that was tiresome. And a bit odd I hope you don't mind me saying.

Listen, there's nothing cryptic about what I said: Nobody, given the right circumstances, is immune to cheating - and it's extremely arrogant to think otherwise. Nobody is immune to straying from their moral path, even though in normal everyday life it feels ludicrous to you and that right now you're 100% sure you'd 'never' even think about it.

Saying “I’ve had chances to cheat before and didn’t, so I know I never would” shows you don't understand human behavior.

Yes, OP's husband does seem like he's done this because he doesn't respect OP, and it seems that he feels OK with cheating. But if you want to apply that to everyone who's ever cheated - even those people who swore blind beforehand they never would - then you're naive. You never know what's going to happen in the future and you don't know how you'll behave when you're really in the fire - a mix of vulnerability, timing, true temptation, raw emotion. To claim you wouldn't ever make a mistake like that is not just arrogant, it's ignorant misguided.

Before you come for me and say I'm trying to justify it and I must have cheated and trying to feel better about it - I've never cheated. Like you, I feel like I never would, I couldn't do it to someone I love, I'd never feel the temptation to etc etc. All the things that you feel. But I'm not so morally superior as to fool myself that it couldn't happen to me, that I am so much better than anyone who has. It's just a question of circumstance - one you and I will probably never find yourself in and so we won't have to find out.

Yes of course, silly me. Poor man. I feel so sorry for this irresistible man child who can't possibly be blamed for any situation he finds himself in.

Yes but OP has done it multiple times…. So it’s not just a weak moment in his life, it’s several weak moments…. First with OP on his ex, then twice on OP (that she’s aware of).

And sorry I don’t believe this older larger man has women randomly throw themselves at him….
OP states his charismatic…, perhaps this cheater needs to stop flirting with women, then perhaps they won’t even notice him!

That's why I specifically mentioned the difference.

OP's husband sounds like a shit. But that want the point I was replying to.

Hes a serial cheater. You were the ow whether you were aware or not when it began
He will continue to cheat. As he gets older...the women may increase in age slightly but some will be drawn to his high earning.
He will cheat again...and again...and again.

Your choices ..leave now while kids are young. You'd get a better divorce settlement.. or...
Carry on forgiving the affairs, slowly die inside and be miserable. Then when you finally have jad enough, you'll be older, less chance of finding someone else decent, wasted years on him..your children will be adults so your settlement will bea lot less.

My ex had one affiar...I filed for divorce the following day. We have children. It hurts like a bitch every day but I know deep down its the right thing to do. Even of he begged me to take him back.. I dont want to live with one eye on him all the time. Id rather be on my own.

Yeah I was dating a very high earning guy once who was slightly older than me - mid 40s.

He had lovely skin, great smile and I thought he was handsome but he was around my height (5ft 3ish) and was quite chubby.

I don’t go for looks/body so it wasn’t an issue. My attraction was more based on personality as but as time went on he had more than a few stories about women supposedly aggressively hitting on him and who knows - maybe they did, but it just didn’t ring true to me. He is very charming so I can see it happening if he was flirting but not just out of the blue like he claimed.

It was one of the things that put me off him as I wondered if it was going to become an issue in future years. I’m always suspicious when men- irrespective of how they look- have too many tales of fighting off women.

.

How about asking if your DH would be willing to go to marriage counselling with you? Maybe having a frank discussion about why he cheated and perhaps steps he could take to avoid happening again/rebuild your marriage. This would show his commitment to you.

I understand why you wouldn't want to split the family up.

@Leaningtowerofpisa

‘a weak man with an inflated ego’. That’s what I mean - it’s not sexy, or cool, or attractive or even anything to respect. It’s just a bit sad and pathetic. I think it’s why lots of cheats seem to have low self esteem, they need smoke blowing up their behind.

Its awful that you were a child who felt shame due to your father - cheating affects so many people - it’s very selfish. Brene Brown is great on shame if anyone reading this wants to read more on shame.

@MuckFusk I agree. Cheats sometime seem to think the world happens to them. They are an innocent bystander and someone flirts with them. Or chats them up. As if they are incapable of stopping it. But it takes thousands of micro steps to end up naked in bed. A look. A glance. A multitude of feelings and thoughts. Cheating us easy, so I don’t cheat for me.

’She came on to me’. ‘I never meant to’. Take some responsibility for your choices!

Op - If you aren’t sure where to start with looking at why he broke his own vows then look for his flaws.

Please correct me if I’m wrong op - very amateur guessing here- but I am guessing he likes appearances. He likes to look good. Maybe proving he is still attractive. Marrying a young model and cheating with a younger woman. He likes being married and nice home and a pretty family. Maybe material assets.

Entitlement, arrogance maybe his buts.

Does he lie? Maybe at work or to colleagues? Or about business deals? Or to clients?

So lying may be something he is okay with. He maybe come from a family who were okay with lying. Compartmentalisation.

He maybe is no longer as attractive as he was - so he wants smoke blowing up his arse to prove he’s still got it.

Amateur guesses from a stranger but it may help you if you are unsure where to start looking as to why he thinks this is acceptable I may be wildly wrong.

You may find when you start seeing his flaws you realise he isn’t the man you thought he was. It may be hard to unsee them.

I will say best friends dont stab each other in the back while giving their friend a hug. Which is what he does. Until he knows why he thought this was okay he can’t be sure he won’t do it again.

Just rereading my post - self esteem - it seems to be a reason that I have read or heard. I am certainly not saying it’s what all people with low self esteem do. More it’s often a reason given. I felt awful about myself and a/he gave me attention.

Requiring another to make you feel good rather than happiness from within and knowing you are enough.

A couple of questions for you, and I don’t expect you to post the answers but might be worth thinking about.

Having an open phones policy suggests you don’t want him to cheat, but when he has done you have said it isn’t a deal breaker for you. Why have you bothered checking if you don’t really care? Or is it that you do care, but you now just don’t want to have to deal with it?

You seem quite certain your girls won’t find out. If you didn’t think it was wrong, why would it matter (when they’re old enough to know about this side of things)? Surely it’s just like men look at other women, what’s wrong with that? It’s not a deal breaker if men sleep with other women when they’re married, so surely you’d be happy to just tell your daughters this. Right?

You keep saying you’re angry and upset, but you don’t want to leave. What would make you leave?

I expect I'm going against the MN grain here, @Tallscandi, but I believe, depending on context and circumstance, there are worse things in a marriage than a partner committing an act of infidelity. If the relationship in other respects is still sound and worth saving you can, if you both want to, find a way back from this. You mention your miscarriage and that your marital sex-life has dried up, both are most likely to be factors here. Coupled with the fact that men can often be susceptible to advances and your husband sounds like he's one who is. Ask your husband if he'd be open to going to couples counselling with you. I think you have much to explore in the company of a compassionate therapist. You both need to share your hurts and views which you've kept to yourselves and from there find a way back to each other. Additionally, at some point, you might feel you would like to work with a specialised sex and relationships therapist. From the tone and sense of your post, I feel your marriage is eminently salvageable. But you probably need some help from an expert.
Good luck to you both. 🍀

Two acts of infidelity….the one’s that OP is aware of, the other ONS may not have had a “friend” present that forced him to fess up. I mean are we really to believe that he’s only shagged randoms twice and been caught or owned up each time…. That would be like he wasn’t morally inept abd wound shag someone else whilst his wife was recovering from a miscarriage.

Im not sure what is worse than repeated infidelity?

Let's start by saying he isn't a good Dad! He would have more respect for the mother of his children, and given you have 3 girls, he's setting a precedent for how they should expect to be treated in relationships when they're older. Ask him how he'd feel if each of his daughters were cheated on, and stayed in the relationship with a risk of contracting an STD, get yourself checked BTW. I couldn't put up with this. I'd rather start all over again with absolutely nothing than put up with that sleaze, and that's exactly what he is, he sounds disgusting.

His 'type' is obviously young women in their 20s. You've got too old for him 🤢

It’s entirely your choice, you wanting to make the marriage work and your reasons are valid.
You would be going in with the your eyes open.
I would feel enormous pressure sexually - what if you get ill or don’t feel great come perimenopause and want to put breaks on, does that give him justification to cheat again?

Where does this leave someone that becomes disabled? My uncle had an accident that left him paralysed from the neck down. Should his wife have upped and left because some unspoken term was broken by a broken spine? Their marriage vows made no reference to sex being part of the relationship (but “in sickness and in health” was there).

Thanks @AmIHumanOrAmIAYeti for this post.
I am so sorry about your uncle.
On a lesser level, there are so many reasons why having sex may become difficult. I am disabled and reading these threads gives me so much anxiety. The inference being if I can’t provide it I should at least accept an open relationship.
Women go through so much physically. The OP’s own body has been through something awful, and while she says her marriage is fine, your body keeps the score. Her husband had cheated on her before that.
Add in some real issues women go through, like pelvic pain and endometriosis. Throw in peri menopause and menopause and any woman’s libido can flag.
An awful lot can be overcome with genuine intimacy and trust. But without them, it’s tough.
This man is 52, not 22, and to be quite frank is probably still going to be cheating when he has to put Viagra in his coffee. It’s about the attention and the buzz, of still thinking he’s got it.

You make some imperative & Immensely sensible points of views
God Bless You&Yours

Would he forgive you if you cheated? Usually with these types of men the answer is no. There is no equality in a relationship where someone feels they can behave in a certain way and expect to be forgiven, but would hold their partner to a higher standard. I do understand people who forgive an affair and work through it. I struggle to understand forgiving it a second, third, fourth time etc, unless you just choose to accept that that is how they are and it’s not a deal breaker for you. If you decide you are that kind of person, no judgement from me, we all have our own different boundaries, I would definitely make sure I was financially very well protected, as at the moment you’re in your 30’s and an ex model and extremely desirable to him. When you’re in your mid 40s, the fling may become a full blown affair and he may leave you. This is also a real possibility with men like your husband. If you are a realist and keep your wits about you, then if you don’t want to end the relationship over this, then don’t, but be prepared for the possibility of him to ending it one day and leaving you for someone younger. Just make sure you will be ok financially.

Listen to Shera7 the ‘sprinkle sprinkle’ lady for another perspective on this situation. All men cheat apparently and you should use this as leverage and his salary to get you something nice :) is it really worth breaking up a otherwise happy family