DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

He has three daughters and shagged someone young enough to be his daughter?

Your choice OP, but I’d be lining my ducks up.

Just to check when you say "fling" above do mean "affair"?
i.e. you were the OW and your relationship started as an affair, and he's been unfaithful to you before?

"Fling" as I understand it is like a holiday romance which isn't going anywhere, longer than a ONS but not a relationship.

Sorry didn't mean to quote the whole bloody thing

Can't offer any advice, but hear your dilemma OP, so sympathies.🌺

Sorry, I didn't realise that would be such a long message! Something I keep thinking about is the fact he had sex with a woman who is younger than me, even though I am only still in my 30s - I didn't think this could ever be an issue..not sure why this is what I am fixating on though.

Also, when I had a miscarriage, he tried to support me (the baby was what I wanted, not him as much, but he would for me / us) - he tried to support me and talk about it and I really pushed him away. That's jot be just self-cirticising, I know that is the truth - I have always found it hard to communicate.

This is part of his personality I am afraid. Your choices are to accept it or leave.

So he's got form for affairs.

Yes yabu to have such little respect for yourself and to set such a poor example to your daughters. Your husband was a cheat before you married him, cheated on you in the past and has just cheated again. He will not change.

Yuck. He’s a sleaze. Up to you obvs, but I’d be ditching the cheating rat (and I did when it happened to me).

What a pig. Don’t execuse his behaviour by trying to blame yourself. Find someone who is not a serial cheat.

Only you know what you can live with.

He was seeing you while he was married so had an affair

he had an affair ten years ago

the latest affair is with someone who is probably a similar age to Jo three daughters

and you think you should stay?

im sorry my love, he has form. This will not be his last affair.

i would be getting the fuck out of there before you have any more children. They don’t deserve him as a father. He will break your heart time and again

You can stay for your own reasons. That's your choice. But you know you can't rely on him to be faithful. Can you live with that? That's the bottom line.

On me sayin that he is very charismatic, I am looking at it objectively - e.g. my 30-something female friends often say they fancy him - although he has a paunch now has always been extremely popular with women and before our family he had mainly just been dating around. I think I accepted this as who he is because he doesn't chase women, he isn't at all pushy in the slightest..but now I'm really on edge about it

This. Yuck. 🤢

Sorry , making a lot of typos and writing too quickly! Thank you very much for replies so far..I will read in more depth now 🙏

My darling, you need a very good solicitor.

Not sure why you have posted this. It’s clear you don’t want to leave him, and will accept this is part of who he is, even though his isn’t the first time this has happened, and even though this is how your relationship started.

All that will happen going forward is that he will keep cheating, perhaps more frequently, as he does not have any respect for you or until he finds an OW who compels him to leave you.

Perhaps you should start having sex with him to try and salvage that side of things, however I imagine he would continue to cheat with women young enough to be his DD either way, and you will keep accepting it/turning a blind eye.

Good luck OP!

Ps my DH is lovely, charming, kind and loving and he hasn’t had one affair, one fling or one emotional affair. I have more self respect than that.

If you don’t have sex I’m not sure you can be that surprised. If I didn’t have sex as part of my relationship, I may fulfil this need outside of the relationship.
You know who he is, that he can and will cheat, you make a decision as to whether you can accept that. Or you split. He won’t change. But not every relationship has to be monogamous. There are women who get to a certain point and accept their partner strays and over look it, and continue a happy relationship. It depends if you can live like that.

Personally, if I had three daughters I would be showing them an example of what a strong woman looks like when presented with disrespect by the man who is supposed to love me and them. That example would be to get shut of him and to keep my self respect. Respecting yourself is all you’ve got because he sure as shit doesn’t. Good fathers dont continually shag people behind their wives backs do they?

He’s a serial cheat. There’s probably other times you don’t know about. He’s not going to change now. You have to either accept it or leave. I understand this puts you in a difficult place financially but can you honestly stay with someone who has so little respect for you?

Yes - actually English isn't my first language (though I'm pretty fluent!) So you are right to correct me. We first slept together when he was on a 'break' with his girlfriend at the time, but the expectation was that they would,'t really go off with anyone else. Then I was the younger OW at the time, though i was not aware until a bit later.

Stop making excuses for the pig

How humiliating.

And openly doing it in front of a close friend of yours.

That probably has something to do with why he confessed, rather than him being overcome with guilt.

It’s really unlucky for your DH that the one and only time he’s cheated on you, since the last time he cheated on you, a close friend was there to witness it.

Not great, is it.