DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Not even the one about 7 up that says 'karma innit' ?

What is the ultimatum/expectation you want to set? It has to be relasitic, and you have to be willing to walk away if/when he crosses that line.

It is ok to stay with your partner after cheating. We make out decisions. We can all decide what is out own deal breaker. Sounds like cheating is not yours. Sounds like this wasn't an isolated incidence since your relationship started as an affair. It is ok to not tolerate cheating, but it is also ok to weight pros and cons and if the pros win and you can still be happy with what you have.

This

He’s 52 and she is 29. How is that young enough to be his daughter? Don’t be absurd.

having said that, he’s got form for this behaviour and you’ve forgiven him for it in the past so why wouldn’t he do it again, he’s got a free pass in his mind.

He's got a pattern of cheating with women in their 20s. You're in your late 30s.

Your sex drives are incompatible.

Right now and for the next few years, it would likely be cheaper for him to stay married. But when your children hit 18, that is going to change.

You really need to look at training in a career where you can support yourself. You can hope to stay married but he's not a faithful guy when things get rough and he likes to fuck younger women. So plan for the worst.

Absurd? To be her dad he would have had her aged 23 which is a totally normal age to have kids, especially 30 years ago!! What a stupid comment.

They weren't having sex as she had a MISCARRIAGE.

And those women overlooking their partners straying don't have any self-respect either.

I mean, yes 29yo is an adult and old enough to make her own decisions. And the ages here are not grooming or creepy. But objectively he is also old enough to her dad. 🤷🏼‍♀️

What a load of bollox

Why do women (including me in the past!), say that cheats are "good fathers"? They aren't. They're willing to blow up their families to follow their dicks. That isn't a good father.

so he has had 3 affairs in your OP alone?

He isn’t your best friend. Because treating someone like that isn’t something someone who loves you and values your friendship would do. OP I know it’s hard but please find value in yourself and what you want for your children. This is not love.

52 minus 29 is 23, so yes she is young enough to be his daughter.

Shaggers gonna shag, and he has 100% cheated on you before. The only reason he has told you is because other people know about it and threatened to tell you. I’m sorry, OP, but your DH is what is described as a ‘ladies man’. The fact that you haven’t had sex for more than a year when you are with a man who likes a lot of sex tells you everything you need to know.

Are you prepared to stay with him if he cheats again? (He almost certainly will).
How do you think he’d react if you cheated?

You’re fixating on the age because it’s disgusting. He shouldn’t be even thinking of women in their 20s like that.
You should find someone your own age, you’re wasting your years on a perverted pond dweller.

So I reread your first post and picked up on the bit about him confessing and then you checked with a colleague. Has it occurred to you that he only confessed because he realised you were likely to find out. I don’t think you can be certain he’s been faithful in between the two incidents you know about. He’s just been more discreet about the others.

Yuk 😖

If he suffers no consequences then he will be more likely to do it again and again, because he knows you will accept it. Only you know whether you could live like this.

You’re not crazy or weak for wanting to stay especially if there’s love, a shared life, and willingness to work through this.

• He admitted the affair and is contrite but is he remorseful? Does he understand the harm he’s done?
• He has cheated before — so this can’t be brushed aside.
• if you knew he’d do it again, or he’d leave you for an OW, would you stay?

If You Stay, It Should Be With Clear Conditions

1. He must do the work, individual therapy, couples counselling, and take full responsibility.
2. Agree clear boundaries, no contact with the other woman, full honesty going forward. Transparency about who else he is in contact with. Open access to devices, bank statements etc. You can veto overnight stays away if you’re not comfortable.
3. Commitment from both of you to emotionally and physically reconnect, slowly and on your terms.
4. Set an ultimatum that if this happens again, you will leave. Unless you won’t in which case you probably need to accept he will do this is again.

Have you got support for yourself? Maybe professionally as that matters just as much as keeping the family together.
You should also think about how you could live independently if you leave or if he leaves you. Can you go back to work?

You’re not letting yourself down by staying as long as you don’t silence your own needs. You’re allowed to stay and to be angry but also to expect change, and to protect yourself and your family at the same time.

You formed a relationship with him when he was ‘on a break with someone but they weren’t expected to see other people’. He’s had another fling previously in your relationship and has now slept with someone else again.
Regardless of how charismatic and charming he is or how handsome and funny, faithfulness is not one of his stronger traits is it?
Many will forgive and move on, personally I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my relationship wondering when he was going to sleep with a younger model.
I’m really sorry to hear about your miscarriage, but that doesn’t give him a free pass on this sort of behaviour because you’re struggling, he probably only admitted it had happened because he knew you’d find out if long standing friends were aware it had happened.

You say “charismatic, charming, handsome, good company” …. We read and think “sleazy, oily, flirty, seedy, unfaithful.”

Yikes, he’s hideous and repulsive to most well- balanced women.

I agree with this. It’s your life and entirely your choice to stay for whatever reasons you want. But know if you stay that it will happen again.

There have been way more than the ones you know about, I'd put good money on it.

His behaviour is indefensible. Imagine he'd suffered a huge emotional blow and hadn't been up for a shag, taking you out for dinner, paying you compliments - whatever it is that makes you feel loved and appreciated, would your knickers be around your ankles for someone else at the first available opportunity?

Thought not. He's a disrespectful pig.

Maybe you should explore an open marriage if you’re not having sex, as clearly he is tempted to stray, and will again. If you’re prepared to overlook this for the sake of your kids / lifestyle then maybe you should open the marriage up (assume you’ve explored why you have a low sex drive etc). Few men are going to be content with no sex, and whilst it’s entirely your right to not have sex you don’t want, it can’t come as a shock if he looks elsewhere. You’re in a vulnerable position not working, having young DC. It sounds like you don’t want to leave, which is entirely your prerogative. Most on here will tell you to leave. But you can’t just brush the no sex under the carpet if you decide to forgive as it’s going to happen again, guaranteed.