DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

Sounds like a grim aging man that always wants something a bit younger, you’re getting older now so he’s going younger again. How are you going to feel when he’s sleeping with women your DDs age when they’re older? Would you be happy with your daughters being in a relationship with older men who cheat on them? Because that’s what you are teaching them.

OP, I’m not sure I quite understand. Are you saying that you’re staying with him because you believe everyone fancies him? This is something that you have alluded to on a few occasions. Is that really the most important thing to you in a relationship? I can understand you wanting financial stability. But at what cost?
Your husband is a serial cheater/adulterer. However you want to label it, HE’S it!
You being younger isn’t going to compel him to change, as he’s proven. He doesn’t sound like he’s very particular, especially when he’s in flagrante.
I think you need to know your worth, because right now your husband doesn’t seem to.

So in the time you have know him,

1. You were the fling.
2. Then there was an early days fling.
3. Now there is a current fling.

Based on all of the above, what makes you thing there won't be a 4th fling?

Past behaviour being the best predictor of future behaviour and all that.

Stay with him if you want but wise up to what you are staying with.

i would always add the caveat “that I know of”.

That is why I mentioned it, even though I wasn't sure if it was tmi- sex is quite important to him and always has been, but is much less so to me. I think we are a bit mismatched in this way

Karma innit

Why did he confess? Does he hope to push you into divorce? I cannot fathom why he told you?

I wouldn't believe for a second he was on a break with his girlfriend when you met him or that this latest one pursued him. It's what men like this say. He likes women and acts on it. Judge him by his track record not what he says. It's up to you if you want to and can put up with it. Past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour.

I mean, he has form. It will happen again.

Same way they come in, they go out, my Grandma used to say. Your relationship started when he was "on a break", he's got a penchant for younger women, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

You don't have to leave him. You get to decide. But I'd absolutely one hundred percent be financially watertighting yourself as far as possible for future reocurrences if you decide to stay for now. Get yourself legal and IFA advice and follow it.

Only you can decide but you have to decide on the basis of what is best for you. You can't stay for the kids as that's not fair on them.

I stayed when my h had an affair. It absolutely devastated me and made me very ill. I told no one but my MIL. After seven years I left. I don't regret staying, I'm glad I've divorced him now, albeit nothing to do with his affair, and my children know what's happened and understand my decisions.

Value yourself otherwise no one else will...

Then why does it even bother you that he had sex elsewhere? You have a good relationship. You say you love each other. But he needs sex and you don't really want to have sex. So let him service his need elsewhere and continue your relationship. Why should that even be an issue?

You only owe your OH fidelity, not celibacy.

Let’s be honest here, he has form for shagging much younger women and you aren’t having sex with him. So he’s gone elsewhere instead of raising this with you (which is awful) . But you also know exactly which side your bread is buttered and don’t want to give up your lifestyle or be a single parent.

so if you accept him back to keep on in the relationship you need to either address the sex thing and get it back on track or just accept that he’s going to shag about with ridiculously young women like the Pervy old letch he is. And young stupid women when will be lining up to be the ONS and next Mrs.Gullible

Sweetheart, that’s no excuse for him cheating just because he was supportive :( and I’m sorry for your loss

He will do this again, he's got form. You'll just be guessing when the next affair will be.

Hell just keep cheating on you, up to you if you want to be a doormat.

OP you have said he doesn’t solicit any of this and is just an attractive man

later you say he is flirtatious and a player

I’m confused!

This. You saying I won't leave just send out the message that he can do it again.

So you had a fling. He cheated in you when the kids were young and just admitted to this - this guy is taking the piss. Definitely not the role model id want around my daughter's

According to his girlfriend they were on a break (she has told me this), but I still don't think it is great.

OP - nothing will erode your self-esteem quicker than reading Mumsnet responses to your scenario. Especially since you were also the other woman at one point- some posters will be positively gleeful at your predicament.

Do you have a close friend or two you can talk this through with instead? People who know you both and can give more balance.

Well considering he left his previous girlfriend for OP after having a ‘fling’ with her it’s clear he could do it again. Plus he has a taste for younger women and the recent women was younger than OP, she could get ‘too old’ for him. It’s absolutely stupid to imply this could work out well and just make it sound so simple and easy. OP has struggled to be intimate with him since having a miscarriage and his response is to cheat, what a catch. There is nothing wrong with OP deciding to have some standards and self worth and say that this isn’t ok.

I cannot find one single gleeful post on this thread.

What a foul thing to post.

What a strange and sad outlook you have.

The bar really is in the gutter for men isn't it?

Why husband in inverted commas? He is literally her husband. Not a friend. He made a promise and signed a legal document saying he would be her partner for life, in sickness and in health (which includes sex and lack of)

I would expect an adult to discuss why we weren't having sex if he wants it, not to just go off and shag a work colleague.

He's cheated on you before. He cheated on you now. He'll cheat on you again. His dick and his ego is more important than you, your marriage and the family you have built together. He will take the opportunity when its presented to him. You can't trust him. When will hypu decide your worth more than this? His behaviour is extremely disrespectful.