DH had an affair

[Tallscandi]

Put a shorter title for length, but my question is: AIBU to stay with my husband after the had a fling - but to set some kind of ultimatum / expectation?

I am still working this through and I am upset, but not great at expressing my feelings, so will try to summarise here in a clear way.

My DH (52) slept with a woman, 29, at a work event. I found out because he told me, and I then confirmed the details with a colleague who was there (someone who is a long time close friend of ours). This woman really did proposition / very directly flirted with DH - he totally accepts his fault but this is the context.

DH gets a lot of attention from women - even though he is now middle aged, more than a bit overweight - he is extremely charismatic, generous, funny, very handsome, very good company. This is all part of why I fell for him - partly why I love him.

Actually our relationship started as kind of a fling, though i was not aware at the time. (They were 'on a break'). He is 15 years older than me; I'm 37. He's had a fling before, when our children were young, but I the 10 years since has not done anything. We haven't had sex for ages (after I had a miscarriage last year) and I think this is part of it.

I don-/ want to leave him - I am angry with him but he is honestly a great father, we have three daughters together, he also is in a high earning job while I have mainly been looking after our children

Is that crazy of me? Am I letting myself down? I don't want to break up our family
He has been very contrite. I would be grateful for any advice - and your kindness. Thank you

*themselves, not myself, typo.

He’s clearly a player. This will probably happen again. He’s probably very good at segmenting different parts of his life, which makes me wonder why he told you about it. Was it because someone else would have done?
You don’t have to make any big decisions now. Your dc are young, you aren’t earning, maybe it’s not the right time to split up. But it would be sensible to start thinking long term, get back to work, retrain if you need to, so that further down the line, you have options.Make sure you have things like details of any assets, pension etc, in fact tell him you want him to start paying into a pension for you right now.

Sounds to me like you’re staying for the lifestyle (money) he provides. Seems quite sad to me. “He’s my best friend, kind, sensitive, loving, generous” - aside from the fact that he CHEATS on you, which to me means he is none of those things.
But if you want to accept the cheating in exchange for the lifestyle, crack on OP.

The ‘staying because he’s a high earner’ narrative sets women back decades. Come on, OP, you know you aren’t going to leave him so I don’t know why you posted this.

I think when there are children involved and you love him and he is generally a good man/husband/father.....then it is absolutely understandable that you are conflicted.

I am married decades and while fidelity is important, there is no way I would implode mine and my children's life over this.

Only you know what is your deal breaker.

Get some therapy for yourself to figure out what you want.

15 years is a big gap.
You were young when you got together and he was on a break?
He sounds like he is a bit of a player to be honest, but again you need to decide what is your deal breaker.

Thank you for understanding- I'm trying to present a balanced view by also explaining why I do value him as a partner. Our daughters are pre-teen / teenagers (I had children young which is partly why I very much overlooked the first time, a decade ago - i absolutely did not want to break up our very young family when I was only in my 20s.

You likely won't leave him.
It is likely that he will upgrade you for a younger model, as men like him always do.

Your husband cheated with you, behind his then girlfriend's back. I doubt very much they were 'on a break', he simply told you that to justify what happened between you. I appreciate you didn't know this until much further into your relationship. Your husband cheated on you, when your children were young and now he's cheated again with a younger colleague from work. I can guarantee the only reason he 'confessed', is because he was afraid someone else would tell you, and therefore he needed to beat them to it. He's not sorry he had sex with another woman, his only regret might be that he wasn't careful enough, and other colleagues were aware. When he cheated on you the first time, you forgave him, at that point you gave him the green light to cheat again and again...why would he stop, there's no consequences to his behaviour! You are the Mother of his children, a woman he's supposed to love and cherish, yet his behaviour says otherwise. He doesn't love you, regardless of what he may say, and most certainly has zero respect for you. He is the only person responsible for his behaviour and the choices he makes, no one else. No woman is holding a gun to his head and forcing him to have sex with her, he's making a conscious choice to cheat on you. He's a very weak minded man, who blames the OW for his behaviour, because he doesn't want to take any responsibility for it. Only you know what you're prepared to put up with, but I'm sorry to say, he will continue to cheat forever more, he's shown you who he is!!

You won’t leave but when your dc leaves home you’ll be surplus to requirements and he’ll replace you with a younger model and you’ll end up with very little because you gave it all up for a high earning player. Tale as old as time.

Yes, it is crazy of you. Yes, you are letting yourself down and your daughters been married to a creepy man that has sex with someone young enough to be his daughter. Especially when he’s done it before.

I’m sorry but he’s not your ‘best friend’- he doesn’t even respect you. And he’s disgusting for pursuing much younger women.

You didn’t want to break up the family…but he was willing to risk it…that says it all @Tallscandi don’t you think?!

Thanky ou. That's the thing - it has crossed my boundaries and marital vows, absolutely. I have been clear about that.

But my gut feeling is: we love each other and I don't want to break up our otherwise happy family over this.

I really, truly appreciate everyone's kindness and clarity here, however I don't believe he has had a string of affairs without my knowledge. After the first time, he gave me access to emails / phone whenever I wanted it. He usually is like the boss one poster described earlier - polite to women and just emphasises that he loves me.

But he definitely has been a bit of a player in the past ! It feels complicated

Kind? Is shagging people behind your back kind?

Sensitive? Did he sensitively tell you what he’d been up to and sensitively disrespect you?

Loving? With who? You or the other women?

Generous? Yes. With his time, to other women.

Is it really worth it to show your impressionable daughters that you can let men walk all over you, go behind your back, disrespect you just to keep their dick wet so long as they provide a ‘good quality of life’ financially and materialistically? That’s a terrible example to set. Find your self respect, once it’s gone it’s gone.

I just wanted to suggest you arrange some STI tests. I know you said it's been a while but maybe he cheated before you stopped sleeping together. Like others said, he probably has cheated several times not just this last occasion. Worth the embarrassment just in case. 💐

He’s almost certainly going to do it again. And as someone else has pointed out, there’s also the risk that he will eventually trade you in for a younger woman. You’re in a very vulnerable position. He can basically do whatever he wants and he knows it.

@Tallscandi im sorry but he does not love you!

Ah OP, counting yourself that means he’s been unfaithful in relationships at least 3 times. His being ‘good’ for 10 years (at least as best as you are aware) doesn’t deserve a medal.

As it seems you don’t want to end the marriage, your only choice is to go to therapy and try to get past it but the reality is, it’s extremely likely he will do it again. And again.

I’m sorry you’re going through this - it’s absolutely horrific.

Lack of sex is not an automatic pass to find it elsewhere 🤢

Not his first rodeo, wont be his last.

if you want to stay with him, go for it, it’s your life. But you’re a fucking fool.

Ugh who cares if women fancy him he's a sleazebag

He is vile.....not a good father at all...but if you want a open marriage....that's your choice...trust me and many others on this site....he will drop his trousers for anyone now.....because you don't want to to leave him 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Any time there's a post about someone's OH (usually the man) having had sex elsewhere, and the the OP mentions they haven't actually been having sex with each other, my reaction is always the same: what did you expect? And to be honest, if you're not in a sexual relationship at the moment, why does it bother you if your 'husband' - really more like a good friend at the moment - had sex with someone else?

He sounds vile, OP. A real dirty old man.

He'll carry on having "flings" until he's geriatric, and then you'll end up nursing him at the end of his life.

How old were you when you got together?

10yrs ago you were 27 and already had dc, so much have been early 20s when you got together? And him mid-late 30s.

He's had multiple affairs. He's a serial cheat, it's realistically probably been more than the twice you know about, if he did it so blatantly in front of your friend. He sounds like a right sleaze. Some people are happy to tolerate their husbands having affiars but it's pretty embarrassing to be a 50yr old man shagging women in their 20s at work events. And remember it's not you breaking up your family, it's him