Expectations of grandparents when visiting

[Firsttimetrier]

What are your expectations of your parents when they come to visit your children, or you go to theirs to visit?

AIBU to expect the grandparents to help with childcare if they come to visit or you have gone to them? Could be playing with them, offering to do bath time, or even sit with them during their dinner?

No nothing. It be nice if they read a book to dd or did a jigsaw or spent time with her. My parents and pil have finished parenting so they can do the fun bits if they want

They take DC out for an ice cream for 30/45 mins. I can get a coffee in peace.

This is completely and totally dependent on about 50000 variables such as:

Health and age of grandparents
Personality of parents
Ease/difficulty of engaging with DC
Regularity of visits
Length of visit
Culture of grandparents and parents

I personally would 100% expect to see any grandparent at least making some effort to engage with their grandchildren. But what that looks like will vary massively.

My expectation is that whoever’s house if is makes a cuppa and we chat, the kids tell them their news, they will go off and play(when they were younger they would play in the same room). Usually there are snacks involved. I don’t expect them to do childcare etc unless I was specifically asking them and they had agreed.

My kids are older (tween and teen) now so it’s not really an issue in the sense that you’ve described - my parents have a good relationship with them both though as a result of spending time with them as little ones.

My Mum in particular would often be the one to engage with them when little on visits - just those little hardly seen things like being happy to bend down and play with them, chat to them etc Generally treating them as welcome and not ignoring them!

Theres a level of unseen labour about this and I was lucky that both my parents and exILs would interact with the kids and not see it as only the parents job.

When at yours, they are your guests, they have done the travelling, are a lot older than you and will be tired.

When at theirs, I expect them to host, ie have made up beds, shop for food etc

I have never expected anyone to look after my child unless being paid. That's my job.

Surely it depends, going round the day or month after the birth, bringing round a lasagne and offering to pop the kettle on might be handy?

Your 25 year old doctor son has moved back home and the grandparents stop by for a visit, then maybe them babysitting him for 45 minutes so you can pop to the hair salon might be a bit much.

I don't think there should be any expectations. Are there expectations on other visitors or people you visit?
If they offer that's nice but I think just spending time with you should be the only expectation.

Agree with the circumstances around it. In my situation, we’re talking a healthy 65 year old. We’re fairly laid back, have a nearly 3 year old and a 6 month old. Visits were regular and they used to do 1 day a week for us when the eldest was 12 months to 18 months when I went back to work, so they are familiar, but visits have become less regular.

We just had a visit this weekend and if I hadn’t prompted or kept asking for help, they would have just sat on the sofa doing nothing whilst they watched us run around like blue horse flies. Not even an attempt to play with our toddler without us saying “can you play with him whilst I go and sort breakfast”.

I have messaged today to say we would like more help and for them to take initiative in these things when they visit, but I’ve been left on read, so wondering if IBU.

We don’t have this issue with the other grandparents, who are older. They constantly offer to hold the baby, or take the toddler downstairs for breakfast whilst we get some more sleep, offer to do bath time whilst we prep dinner etc.

I think my expectation is to engage with my children without me having to ask, which is what happened this weekend whilst they came to visit us and stay at ours for the weekend.

I feel like I shouldn’t have to say “play with the toddler, he’s trying to engage with you” whilst they sit on the sofa doing nothing.

I share your frustrations with my parents but, ultimately, I chose to have them and they’re my kids. If they don’t want to play with them, take them out or babysit them, they don’t have to as it’s not their responsibility.

Of course, it would be great if they did, but I think YABU to expect it

I can totally sense your frustration, and understand how you feel - it’s really hard to see people who claim to love you and to love your child just sitting there whilst you run yourself ragged.

I wonder if a message was not the right way in which to express this though? It’s probably better said face to face at the time, or at least on the phone?

You are right.

I think I just feel let down as it’s not the first time we’ve had a situation like this. I think I’m expecting them to take initiative to bond with their grandchildren.

I’m the same - my parents live very locally and I’m a single mum of two (5 and 1) but they come one evening a week after school.

I think yours and my frustration is in wanting them to want to help and bond and play rather than thinking they’re unreasonable not to do it

You are right but I didn’t really expect it to go well over a phone call either and felt more comfortable putting it in a message.

It’s sadly not the first time we’ve had something like this, last time was during the traumatic birth of my youngest and my husband had to keep leaving me in hospital to go and help because they just failed to do the bare minimum.

But if your parents don’t help, I wouldn’t keep inviting them. As grandparents we always offer to help in the kitchen/ house when we visit but my children would much rather us play with the grandchildren, bath them, put them to bed and read a story. We would rather do this too as I can never find anything in someone else’s kitchen.

No expectations, just a chat with a cuppa, your looking for a baby sitter

I think it’s different when people are staying overnight/ for the weekend though - if it was a visit of a couple hours then I’d agree with you, but if family are staying, to some extent they become part of the household for the duration of their visit, in my view.

I’m not expecting a babysitter, I’m expecting my parent to take initiative to bond with their young grandchildren by playing with them, as a bare minimum.

In the first instance, I don’t think you can have expectations of anyone, whether they are a grandmother, a best friend etc. Ethan cut your cloth in the relationship so to speak once you discover what that is.

What you can then expect is also defined by what they are capable of. How old are they? If they’re in their 70s or 80s even half an afternoon of looking after small children will be exhausting.

YABU for sending that message IMO, when they were guests in your home, especially when they have previously provided free childcare for DC1 for a day a week. Disappointing they couldn’t be arsed to engage with the DC but messaging was over the top.

If they didn’t care adequately for DC1 during and immediately after your birth with DC2 that’s really poor on their part.

They clearly do not want to be those types of grandparents so sadly I don't think you'll get through to them especially since this isn't the first time you've had to mention this.

We're they engaged and hands on parents op? I tend to find grandparents like this were quite emotionally absent as parents themselves... passing their own children off onto other family members.

You can’t force the grandparents to engage and ‘bond’ with DC and giving them negative feedback about their grandparenting is unlikely to lead to changes.

I have an in law who rarely bothered, as is consistent with how they are as a parent. They have a distant relationship with all their GC - it’s fine.

We had four sets of grandparents and four completely different experiences. We used to joke that if we put them all together we would have one perfect grandparent. One was great at cuddles and stories, one great at helping them be clean and fed, one brilliant at playing with them and one perfect for all the endless why questions. They were a bit of a pain, but we were grateful for their individual bits.

I think the message was fair enough. Something needs to be said or they will just keep on doing it. Next time l see my mum then l will probably end up doing or saying something similar. It’s infuriating while you run around doing everthing whilst they just sit there, l dont that when l go to other people’s house. Especially when your parents are so young -when l am their age then l will probably still be working full time