Expectations of grandparents when visiting

[Firsttimetrier]

What are your expectations of your parents when they come to visit your children, or you go to theirs to visit?

AIBU to expect the grandparents to help with childcare if they come to visit or you have gone to them? Could be playing with them, offering to do bath time, or even sit with them during their dinner?

Agree with this .

I am 20 years on from you op.

You are right to say something, I did, but nothing really changed after a brief effort. They just fell back into the same pattern. I too didn’t want childcare, I wanted a relationship both with them and the children. I had to really revise down my expectations, because it wasn’t particularly forthcoming.

Looking back I had hoped so much for a super close family, but on reflection they were not massively involved parents so why would they be the second time around?

I stopped the hosting - it was too tiring and we would just meet for a day out, a picnic and the relationship did become more distant, which in the end was fine because I made my peace with it. They were happy and we found a very trusted older lady to take care of our dc when we needed childcare and just stopped asking them.

They didn’t even help without a massive fuss when my dc was unable to breathe and blue lighted to the hospital, that’s when I realised what I was dealing with.

I had therapy and realised my dc didn’t need grandparents to be happy, they just needed relaxed and supported parents. So we made a fantastic network of friends and got on and enjoyed our lives.

My dc are older now - almost fully grown and have zero interest, which is a shame but you reap what you sow in life.

PS spot the disgruntled grannies on here 😬 🤣

If they don’t care enough to help when they stay, then they don’t stay op.

My parents and Ex ILs did loads with my DC when they were younger. I wish I had shown more appreciation at the time. DPs parents though would not lift a finger with our DS, just sit on the sofa, chatting, they said they were too old (only 60s). If I was in the kitchen doing lunch for instance and DP got up to go to the loo, they would shout me to come back and get DS rather than engage with him.

You chose to have 2 children that is not on anyone else, they have their own life

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong OP. We have a similar situation. One set of grandparents chat and play with my DC and have subsequently developed a lovely relationship. The other set of grandparents see it as a tick list, they visit every few months for a cup of tea, take a photo of DC (presumably to show their friends they are doting grandparents) and then proceed to ignore DC apart from telling them to shush if they try to clumsily join in the adult conversation. I bought a present for Mother’s Day and my DC asked “who’s Granny?” because they barely interact with him. I think it’s sad that someone can raise two children and then have no interest in their own grandchildren. Their own flesh & blood. Good on you OP for pointing it out to them. They can sit and watch tv at their leisure at home, it would be nice to actually interact with their grandchildren. Read them a book, play snap or colour I Spy, decorate some shop bought cupcakes. These are all pretty low impact things!

If they can’t be arsed with their grandchildren, I can’t be arsed when they’re old and infirm.

Do you judge by what the other side of the family do and expect everyone to raise your children when your together...
But that isn't the way all families are and many mothers object to grandparents taking over.
I think if you hadn't expected the childcare element you wouldn't have brought up the other grandparents giving you a lie in

After reading your updates, it’s nothing to do with DGP’s, it’s that you aren’t coping with two kids.

Maybe she’d cope better if she had support from her extended family. Just a thought. It takes a village etc.

I don't get the "the grandparents have finished raising their kids" - it is my intention to be around for my child when needed as long as I am alive / capable, is this not the same for all parents including ours?

And as for grandparents who come and sit and don't engage (and engaging with the kids while in their presence is hardly asking for free childcare) - then get upset they're not invited round as much...

Hello 👋
It really depends on the Grandparents and discussions you have had previously. We Nanny's are not mind readers.
I have mine regularly stay over the weekend, usually 1 at a time so I get to hear about their world and have the quality time noticing their growth changes in personality. Plus mum gets a break from 1 and time with the other/s.
However, I know people who would not do this and say they have done their fair share of children. Then others who do far more than me.
So, it really does depend.
A bit like pocket money. I pay packet money to all 5 and others may put money in a trust instead or not at all.
Everyone is different but no one is right or wrong.

If you're looking for them to help then I think that should be established beforehand

E.g. would you mind popping over I could do with a hand.

If they're just visiting then that's what it is. A visit.

My parents were like this when i had little ones and consequently they didn’t get invited to stay. For me it was about them doing something, if theyre not interacting with DC then they should be helping in other ways - making tea, washing up, cooking. Few people have capacity for sit around guests when DC are little, I also got tired of hearing ‘anything I can do to help’ when the washing up was piled up etc. Frankly it’s bad manners and I found it very hurtful,

If you can gather that from me writing a post on here, then surely this would be picked up in person too, so my own parent should have seen this too and helped out, instead of sitting on the sofa.

I never expected my dc's grandparents to help with anything when visiting us, or when we visited them.

I have messaged today to say we would like more help and for them to take initiative in these things when they visit, but I’ve been left on read, so wondering if IBU.

That is massively unreasonable and cheeky, I’m not surprised you’ve been left on read.

I was fairly hands on when DGC were little - if at mine I bathed them. I've always had toys and of course played/engaged with them etc

But I'm really not sure how I'd have reacted if I'd received that message from you.

Pretty rude imo

Do you and your DH both have some time to yourself for example at the weekends while the other one has both DC?

The message you sent is really clear it's not the bonding you want it's "more help and them to take the initiative" which reads get the hoover out, make dinner, look for housework that needs doing......which is bloody rude.

You have to take people as they are. Some GPs are very hands-on, others or not.

They had to take what they got when you arrived!! 😂

No expectation at all. If they want to help out they can

Very rude message to send. It's absolutely NOT bonding you want, it's help. You and your partner are the ones not coping between you with 2 children. If both of you can't cope then TELL your parents you are not coping and ask for help in a proper way.

Oh come on this is family not just some random friend who popped in for a chat. I cant believe there are some on here suggesting that the OP should apologise - that being so perhaps the person who made the below the belt comment that the OP’s feelings are due to the fact that can’t cope with 2 should apologise too - what a load of twaddle.
Anyone with more than one child will have found themselves in the exact same situation as the OP and managed. We all do because we have to, and the OP obviously did, but surely it’s not unreasonable for her to expect that her own parents might have engaged with their grandchildren a little and taken the weight off her a bit.
I know all families are different but the OP really wasn’t expecting full time child care here. I’m with her all the way. That said had it been me I would have said something at the time