Expectations of grandparents when visiting

[Firsttimetrier]

What are your expectations of your parents when they come to visit your children, or you go to theirs to visit?

AIBU to expect the grandparents to help with childcare if they come to visit or you have gone to them? Could be playing with them, offering to do bath time, or even sit with them during their dinner?

When you've got a busy household with children in it anyone who comes to visit for a longer period of time, who does not help is basically another 'child' to look after. If they aren't even good company to you or your DC then of course you will wonder what the point of their visit is.

I expect nothing and am never disappointed.

We’ve got one DGS who is 18mths old. When we visit, or he comes here, we do absolutely everything. We sit on the floor for a start so he can lead us in what he wants us to do. He usually brings us multiple books to read. I can’t walk unaided so he says “Granny stick” when he wants me to move and then says “Granny shoes. Out” so we go outside.

I offer to help DDIL & DS2 with the laundry or the cooking but they rarely accept, they did when was tiny. We always sit with him when he eats because he eats better then. If he’s here to stay, we don’t live near so they come for a few days and vide versa, DH and me do bath time, give him his milk and read him his bedtime story.

We absolutely love spending time with him. It’s an absolute privilege so we make the most of every minute.

Yeah I agree with you, OP. I don't know why anyone thinks it's unreasonable to expect grandparents to be involved with their grandchildren. Most normal people would be very hurt if their parents didn't give a crap about their grandkids.

Hahaha it all depends… so with my DD @ DGD I pop over for a cup of tea and end up staying hours to look after DGD so she can have a shower/nap etc.
MIL visiting me has never so much as made me a cup of tea, though I’ve made her meals etc.
But then my own DM watched my kids so I could go to uni or work a couple of days every week.

I think it just depends on the relationship.

If my kids want me to babysit/help out with their kids, they make their needs clear when it’s being arranged: can you look after however many of them on x date, at my house/your place from whatever time until about whatever time, they will/won’t be in bed/have been fed/need help with homework/push their luck/are okay with screen, etc etc.

If I offer to help, I set out what I’m offering equally clearly and explicitly.

If they invite me/we invite them to visit, I’ll engage with whichever grandkids are there in between talking to their parents, since it’s quite clearly a social occasion.

I don’t get why anyone expects their parents to be able to read minds. Whatever we told you when you were young about that, it isn’t our superpower.

I somewhat agree but equally I would hope that if I were in their position I would have some degree of empathy or emotional intelligence to observe that they were struggling with making the dinner and entertaining children at the same time, so would pitch in.

I can 100% see where you are coming from OP
It is perfectly reasonable to expect your parents to interact and share some of the responsibilities re bathing kids, cooking dinner etc
They certainly shouldn't expect to be waited on.
They should be giving you a break or sorting dinner while you bath kids or vice versa.
I have always been 100pc interactive with my GC, wouldn't have it any other way

My parents were 49 and 53 when my eldest was born and INCREDIBLY hands on even though they were working still full time because they were young!

they were in their sixties when my two younger children were born and less hands on although still loving because they were 64 and 68 when they were born

they’re lovely… but they’re old now, I don’t expect much from them in terms of childcare, except to be nice

my youngest is nine, my mum and dad are 70 ish - they’re tired!

But the guests are family and kids GPS!!!!!!!!

I just expect my mum and dad to be pleasant and have a nice day visiting them and them putting up with a teen and tween having a nice time with them tbh.

My ILs expect to sit and be waited on. If ever asked to help (with kids or chores) would do it so deliberately incompetently (or dangerously) that we stopped ever asking, as they intended. They are also the younger GPs.

My side are the polar opposite - couldn’t be more helpful.

I don’t think it’s really fair to expect to be hosted as if you are on holiday on extended visits while watching your DIL/DS run themselves ragged, and I personally think it’s fine to expect help (but likely to be badly received if demanded)

This is missing the point

It’s not.

that’s how I feel about my parents and we all get on fine!

I don’t value my patents for how much they can help me, I value spending time with them.

they did help me a lot with my first child but I was very young and they were quite young.
I was a proper grown up with the younger two so it was different

Thanks for those who have shared the dynamics of their grandparents and children. I think it just shows me that how and what is expected is so family dependent.

In my mind, I want and expect my parents and in laws to make themselves at home, and vice versa - it takes a village and all that. Everyone to muck in, my children feel comfortable and want to be around their grandparents, and my family to have that relationship with my children without it being forced.

This is so sad ;(

My youngest is nine and my mum is now in her 70s. No, I don’t expect her to do anything except be pleasant. Which she is!

when my first child was born she was 49 and she did a shit load - cus she was quite young and I was very young and working my first proper job and she was an above and beyond grandma- now she’s reached her 70s and I am fully launched (as is son number one) no.
Her role is just to be nice to the young ones!

all I want is for them to offer and want to do a bedtime story for instance, or join in on bath time as my toddler loves making things on his bath coffee machine. I think we’re lucky that we get the opposite with the ILs as they fight over who does the bedtime story, or volunteer to entertain the baby so I can shower and get ready in the morning etc.

If that's what you wanted, why didn't you ask @Firsttimetrier ? As a grandmother on Mumsnet I'm constantly reading about grandparents who overstep, or about help being seen as passive aggressive criticism. So I prefer to be told what's needed than to second guess and tread on toes.

It's so easy. "Could you do DC's bedtime story tonight grandma? He'd love that"

"Would you must doing bathtime tonight while I get dinner?"

You're expecting them to mind read. So just communicate with them and let them know what you need or are happy for them to do.

lol if my kids sent me a message telling me I didn’t bring anything to the table I’d have answered quite quickly. It doesn’t take long to text fuck off.

You are right, but I assumed they would just help out with things as they could see me were trying struggling to spin all the plates.

@Rachie1973 wasn’t worded that way, but feel free to make up whatever narrative you would like.

These things happen at my parents, not at DH’s.

They would never even offer to hold the baby while they were crying so we could eat. Unsurprisingly we didn’t choose to visit as much.

Exactly! You are massively unreasonable OP. They don’t exist to support you with your childcare.

Also easy to observe the situation and ask in what way you could help…? Especially if you’re worried about getting it wrong.

It’s actually not that easy to ask people to do things when they’re sat in your home. It smacks of entitlement and bossiness, as has been stated upthread!!

You come across and incredibly entitled and spoilt. Spare a thought for those who don’t have any family help at all.
How on earth would you cope?!