Expectations of grandparents when visiting

[Firsttimetrier]

What are your expectations of your parents when they come to visit your children, or you go to theirs to visit?

AIBU to expect the grandparents to help with childcare if they come to visit or you have gone to them? Could be playing with them, offering to do bath time, or even sit with them during their dinner?

My parents were young grandparents, still in their 40s when my dd1 was born. My dad has always been hands on and loved playing with the kids, my mum would visit us and plonk herself on the sofa and be expected to be waited on hand and foot whilst I looked after my two and her youngest!!

DHs parents who are older were always really hands on and would help out without being asked.

however, I never expected help from anyone (comes from having a useless mother I guess).

They usually come to us, because it’s easier (and also probably so they can leave when they want to). No expectations, although I suppose a bit of child time (playing a bit) and then attention to the adults too is normal. They do have overnights a few times a year so they’d have to pay them more attention then one on one.

You expect them to contribute.
They expect you to manage your own dc..
Neither is wrong..
Don't feel guilty if you reduce their visits because you see them as pointless..
I absolutely detested ils but fil played with toys and dc for hours whilst mil tutted at the pile of washing up /ironing pile.. Which she was told to fill her boots doing.

If they has sat there awaiting cups of tea they could have stayed home and been told so....

@TomatoSandwiches I think the older I get and since having children myself, I’m realising that they weren’t as hands on as I thought. So probably why we’re having this issue.

The problem is that they offer to come to help but never actually help when they are here!

I'm in a similar situation and I've just accepted that that my parent comes to see me and not my child. He wants to be looked after himself so I do that as best I can. It's hard as it's not the way I pictured things but life is funny that way.

This is our experience too, the older grandparents do so much - taking the toddler in the mornings to play with them if we go to visit them and send us back to bed for an hour, or cook dinner for the toddler without asking, holding the baby or doing a nappy.

I’m genuinely not expecting as much as that, but just expecting some level of engagement with the grandchildren without being told to engage with them.

I’m sorry but your msg to the grandparents was totally unreasonable and I would be struggling with a reply to you too

I agree - that would make me stop visiting, not persuade me to do more.

No op mine never helped either mam 60s when my son born she 80s now. Some great some not.. she claims nobody helped her but she had good help from a sibling. I def find her hard work at xmas they become child like.

No expectations. People don’t come to visit to be given jobs. If they want to help, fine. If not, you can’t force it. If you invite someone over, there’s no bearing on them to do anything. Presumably you manage to make breakfast when they are not there?

I’d go the other way if I received your message too.

I agree with this.
I can understand your disappointment that your parents don't engage actively with your children but a written reproval seems a bit too much.
I bet they were upset to receive that and I wonder how they will reply.

It doesn't sound like your expectations are unreasonable. My PIL were already elderly when my DC were small but they always interacted with the kids both online (Skype chats) and in person so when they came to visit they always spent time with the kids and so freed up mine and DH's time. My kids adore MIL (FIL died when they were still quite young) and as teenagers are so accommodating of the fact that she is now much less capable than them but still wants to spend time with them. Her older grandchildren are all the same and still love visiting her.

My Mum did a lot of childcare for DBro but when she came to us or I went to visit her she actually made my life harder because she did nothing to help with the DC and expected me to pay her lots of attention at the expense of the DC. I remember one 'holiday' there without DH and just being on my knees with exhaustion as the kids were playing up and I was just getting disapproval but no help. She doesn't get the same affection as MIL now because she didn't really invest in them in the same way (it's clear DBro's DC are the favourites).

So, I know whose example I'm going to follow if I have grandchildren.

Eek I think it was incredibly rude of you to send that message. Obviously it would be nice if they helped you, and a conversation letting them now how much it would mean to you for them to build an independent relationship with kids- you could make practical suggestions, eg trip to playground etc., but to set out your expectations for help like that in a text is beyond disrespectful and entitled.

I think having people to stay involves a lot of work with very young children if they don't pitch in.
Sitting watching you run around without offering to help, would irritate many.

Feel your frustrations OP. My parents haven’t even met my youngest who is 5. They choose to live in the arse end of nowhere, around a six hour trip from us and complain that we haven’t visited.

Last time I visited all they did was sit there and hardly engaged with the kids. I now get a text before each birthday and Christmas asking what they want and would I mind buying it, wrapping it and they’ll send me the money.

Some people get lucky with parents and some don’t. If anything it’s made me strive to be a better parent to make up for the shortfall in grandparents.

My mum would get things out for my children to do and sometimes play games with them but we'd usually all play. She didn't do anything like bath time or feeding, but I didn't ask her or expect her to. It would generally just be all of us sitting around, and she'd get some food ready if we were at her house. She'd engage with them but not be looking after them.

Oh dont get me started on this

My parents expect to be waited on hand and foot

Drives me mad

I agree with you, RK800

I also get the email asking me to buy presents on behalf of them request

It's just so fucking low effort

I’d have no expectations. Why would I? They’ve came to see family, not do housework

I expect nothing of grandparents or anyone in fact.
Even if I host dinner I don't expect them to help in anyway during or after. Likewise they don't with us. In fact inprefer to sort it alone.
As for playing with the dcs they Don't really due they obviously talk and cuddle, read books but wouldn't get down on the floor and play with trains or barbies etc.

Ad babies they would do their feeds though. And ils often ask if I want them to take dcs out for the day in the holidays so I can get some jobs done. And they will always babysit if we ask. But we rarely do

I didn’t have any expectations for my parents when they come to stay other than keeping whatever promises they made to gcs since they are getting to the age that they remember. They live in the States and they’re usually visiting for a week once a year.

My parents are quite hands on and jump at the chance to take kids out for some hours so DH and I can have a break since we don’t have any support nearby. I spent most of my childhood going to both grandparents since they lived five minute drive off the same road.

My expectations for my in-laws are much less because they spend part of the time they stay with us twice a year for our children’s birthdays complaining about the childcare they give their daughter (14 years btw) to DH and have never offered to have our children for a few hours. DH has always had to ask and I leave him to do so. I’m not asking if they’re not offering. They are a bit older but they are in better shape than my own parents and their age had not stopped them from looking after DH’s brother’s children where their oldest is only a bit older than our middle and their youngest is two years younger.

I have messaged today to say we would like more help and for them to take initiative in these things when they visit, but I’ve been left on read, so wondering if IBU.

Bloody hell. They're not your staff.

And messaging is the worst possible way to have this conversation. You've really messed up there.

No expectations at all, I just kind of chatted to my parents/any visitors as I carried on doing tasks/looking after my DC.

Top late now but I think that message was a muck up.