Expectations of grandparents when visiting

[Firsttimetrier]

What are your expectations of your parents when they come to visit your children, or you go to theirs to visit?

AIBU to expect the grandparents to help with childcare if they come to visit or you have gone to them? Could be playing with them, offering to do bath time, or even sit with them during their dinner?

I think the message you sent them was both unreasonable and rude.
I'd be very shocked if my daughters sent me anything like that, and I would have difficulty responding.

It's a personal choice. My In-laws play with my kids. Especially my MIL. I don't know how she has the energy. She genuinely seems to enjoy playing and entertaining them. My mum and dad are the opposite. They will chat a little to them, give them ice cream but don't play with them. I get bored playing with my own kids (it's fine for 15mins) so I don't think I'll enjoy it as a grandparent. 😂

I can’t believe you sent that awful message. Incredibly entitled and rude.

Read the room. They don’t feel able to offer hands on help at the moment. They don’t want to look after your kids for you. Could be a billion reasons why. Maybe they are knackered, maybe they feel intimidated, maybe they are worried they will bugger things up. Maybe the kids are at a particularly awful stage in life. Plus, do you know what, they are perfectly entitled not to want to be playing with a toddler when they’ve just woken up, or babysitting so you can do other stuff. They are older than you and they have raised their own families. These are your children, if you can’t manage them without being horribly rude to your parents then I think it’s something you need to look at with your partner.

I would honestly be calling to apologise and being clear than in future a visit is a visit, not an impromptu nanny engagement.

You say 'us' so your DH was there. 2 adults shouldn't need help to look after 2 children. I do think in general the hosts should be hosting, not expecting their guests to provide childcare.

Maybe so but I think I’ve kept trying and each visit they engage less and less with the grandchildren.

When they offered and looked after our eldest when I was giving birth, my husband popped back in and they hadn’t dressed or done anything with DC by 4pm, except sit them in front of the tv. So I think my patience and tolerance for this kind of stuff is gone, and I’m trying to encourage and keep a relationship but they’re not bringing anything to the table.

Getting down on the floor with toy cars isn't for everyone. Most cultures and previous generations didn't play with kids - kids played with each other or entertained themselves.

I think they should pitch in and offer to help clear up meals etc though. And snuggling up with a book is often easier for older folks.

They are guests in your home if visiting you and shouldn’t be treated like hired help. Great if they want to, but shouldn’t be an expectation.

Not everyone is built with a default of getting stuck in with toddlers. My dad has told me he finds the whole idea of playing with children excruciating, he literally doesn't know how to do it and so he doesn't. I think there can be other reasons like uncertainty, lack of confidence.

It's a bit like If guests don't jump up and start making tea and unloading your dishwasher, it's not always simply that they are lazy. Maybe they would feel awkward, worried it would be an overreach etc. You'll say oh but they are fine, or oh but they are parents not guests. Maybe. But in my family no one puts anyone else's kettle on and my dad doesn't initiate games of tea parties with my toddler and I don't think laziness comes into it. There are other barriers.

I think either assuming they should get stuck in, and telling them to, are both not very effective strategies to get what you want. Softly softly catchee monkey - encourage, show appreciation when they do, give them ideas rather than expectations etc.

Can call it a massive drip feed or whatever, but trying to keep as much info back as possible so it’s not outing but here goes.

They offered to come down to look after the children whilst we went out for a meal on the Friday. They did nothing except sit on the sofa, so we did dinner, bath and bed whilst trying to get ready and out of the door. Both children were asleep, and stayed asleep, whilst we were out for the 2.5 hours.

I think if someone is offering to help, I don’t need to then manage what they need to do.

The next day, there was no engagement with the children, even though they didn’t need to do anything the night before.

Maybe I’m entitled, maybe I’m expecting too much but my patience for this kind of stuff is low.

Jesus, expectations? Bringing stuff to the table. They are family, not your employees.

have messaged today to say we would like more help and for them to take initiative in these things when they visit, but I’ve been left on read..

YABVU

Did you consult with your parents before you decided to have children? Did they agree to helping you raise your children? Or did you have that conversation with your husband?

They are your kids. Your parents didn't birth them. They didn't conceive them. They don't have any responsibility to raise them or help you to do so.

Your parents are your parents, they raised you. You chose to have kids, thats on you. Not them.

What happens if they want to enjoy their retirement?

Why are they being unreasonable sitting in your living room? if they want to see their child (you) but instead you expect them to be the help and tell them you expect more from them or else?

Id have left you on read too.

mmm, my sister had a similar situation with our parents.

I had no issue with my parents, my mum especially. I found them willing to engage and help. I did have to ask but I knew that was becuase my mum was terrified of overstepping boundaries, not least becuase when my sister had her first, she was always getting annoyed if my mum did something or offered something but it was the WRONG something.

Meanwhile, my sister , when she had her second, was even more irritated with our mum. With baby 1 she'd felt annoyed that it wasn't obvious to my mum that she wanted her to cook dinner or bath the baby. with the second, when my mum took a step bac and waited to be asked, she was irritated that my mum wasnt proactive.

I am not saying you are necessarily like my sister or that your relationship is like that, but I am wondering if there's an aspect of this? That your parents don't feel you want their help (why did they stop looking after your DC for example?) or that if they offer, it will be wrong?

they’re not bringing anything to the table.

Honestly it gets worse. They aren’t your employees, they are your parents! They don’t need to “bring anything” other than themselves. Your reaction is horribly transactional, it’s like you won’t bother with them unless they’re offering 7 hours babysitting a week, an overnight every month and a trust fund.

Stop expecting them to behave like staff and let your kids enjoy them as grandparents. Or just let them play a low key role in your childrens’ lives without piling on the emotional blackmail.

I don’t think grandparents need to help to have a relationship with their DGC. I loved my DGP’s and I remember us visiting them, them visiting us or all meeting at an aunt’s and uncle’s house and all the adults chatting and the DC getting on with things.
I know your DC are very young at the moment so maybe keep things really simple when you have visitors such as order a takeaway or you and your DH take turns to have the DC and the other one hosts.

I don't think you should expect work from your guests. I actually do a lot with my dgd but because I want to

So they came and sat in your house so you could have some time out together without a babysitter and you are complaining they didn’t do more ?

Yeah, every time we’ve had a babysitter, family or paid, we’ve done bath, bed and dinner before we leave and positively invited the babysitter to veg in front of the TV with them! I’d have no problem with this.

They did babysit and you did get a night out. Why was it so stressy to bath and feed your DC?

No, I’m complaining because they don’t engage with the grandchildren they offer to help with.

Well that’s a shame, but they are not required to- you can’t force other people’s relationships. Maybe they are the sort that don’t really know how to interact with really little ones- that’s normal/ fair enough. You may find when they get older your parents become more interested and engaged…

offered to come down to look after the children whilst we went out for a meal on the Friday.

And they were there to watch the children.

Just because you didn't give the kids dinner, bath them and put them to bed beforehand, that is on you. If it was the local 17yr old babysitter, the expectation would be the kids would be fed and in bed (or ready for bed) and nothing left for them to do beside watch them.

I think if someone is offering to help, I don’t need to then manage what they need to do.

You didn't need to manage what they did. You need to understand that they aren't you, they wont operate as you do unless you use your words and set expectations and not assume they will operate as you would like clockwork.

It’s normal to do dinner, bath and bed before leaving small children with babysitters.

You seem very entitled. They don’t have to ‘bring anything to the table’

Yabu. You shouldn't them to do any childcare tasks unless they offered to babysit. My expectations are, if they come visit me, I host. If I visit, they host. But looking after my child is mine and her dad's job. Sometimes my sister offers to take my child to the park or mcdonalds for a bit when she comes to mine which is nice but I don't expect it.

How far did they have to drive? They're getting older and driving, stay9ng over and then spending time in someone else's house can be exhausting.

Especially when you don't seem to like them very much.

I can't believe you have messaged with your gripe! Mind-boggling!!

They were guests in your home - what they do or do not do or what they might offer is down to them.

I think that was very rude!