Expectations of grandparents when visiting

[Firsttimetrier]

What are your expectations of your parents when they come to visit your children, or you go to theirs to visit?

AIBU to expect the grandparents to help with childcare if they come to visit or you have gone to them? Could be playing with them, offering to do bath time, or even sit with them during their dinner?

They have been open about not wanting to do a lot with your kids, believe them. If they wanted to do activities and stuff with them, they would.
They don't need to bring things to a table.

So your parents only have value to you if they are bringing something to the table? They have had their children and brought them up. Why should they be expected to now care for your children, did they have a say in your decision to have them.
What about valuing your parents for who they are and not for what they do for you and your children?

My.mum sits and reads the newspaper, or puts an inappropriate film on tv (which she then gets shitty about when I tell her to turn it off).
My dad goes for long walks, alone.
I'm honestly not sure why they bother visiting!
My mum then moans about not living close to her only grandchildren, so I arrange to do something all together (although without my dad as he only likes to do his own thing) whilst they're here and within 5 minutes of starting the activity she's telling me she's just going to Tesco to look at the clothes. FFS!
I remember once when they were staying and I was really struggling with Sinusitis. I was in a lot of pain, my temperature was sky high etc. The children were 2 & 7. I mentioned how awful I was feeling and my mum replied that I should go to bed & sleep. I was so grateful, but apparently what she meant was she was going out for a walk and to buy a paper and I should leave the children unattended downstairs.
Funnily enough, I have absolutely no expectations at all when they visit and try to minimise the number of times they stay.

Expecting anyone to give your young kids dinner, bathe them and put them to bed, then babysit for hours is a big ask.

I would leave you on 'read' too, for quite a while! They are probably trying to think of a polite way to tell you to get stuffed.

It's okay to be disappointed. It's absolutely not ok to message and essentially tell them they need to do better. As other posters have said they are not your staff. It is not up to you to set out your expectations of them or to try to 'manage' them.

I am wondering when the suggestion will be made that you remember their (alleged) failures when it comes time when they may need help in their later years!

I've just finished mat leave. When they came to mine, I didn't expect anything other than them playing with and cuddling DD to bond with her.

At theirs, again I simply expect them to interact with and love her. I did all the nappies, care, etc. My mum now has her twice a week as I'm back at work, so obviously my mum now does do childcare, which I'm incredibly grateful for. Through mat leave though, I only really used to expect them to take her on a walk sometimes (they go everyday anyway) so I could nap, or eat something in peace.

People saying YABU to expect grandparents to love, play, and interact with their grandchildren are ridiculous. Yes you choose to have kids, but it's hardly unreasonable to expect your own parents to show interest in their flesh and blood. There is a huge difference between expecting grandparents to do tons of childcare Vs expecting grandparents to want to read to their grandchildren, and play with their toys with them. Idk what's up with some people on here, but in real life, most people would be upset if their parents didn't at bare minimum want to play with and bond with their grandchildren.

As for the Friday night thing, I think that sounds like a case of miscommunication. You clearly had one expectation, but honestly when baby sitting it's usually reasonable to expect the kids to be in bed already!

It’s ok to mourn the sort of grandparents you thought your parents would be to your children. I am in a similar situation, my mum just says how much my kids would prefer to be with me (no shock there as they’re with me all the time). However I do think it’s unreasonable to expect and then tell them how they should be, based on your vision of it. It sounds like they’re willing to help if asked (I think I read somewhere they spent 6 months doing a day a week childcare) but I think it’s better for you all the sooner you accept that they’ll do what’s asked and no more.

When my dps come, I become their child again. My mum is the most amazing cook and loves it, I have a real break. And she stocks up my freezer before she leaves. Also takes one child out for the day, they help with school runs and just allow dh and I to be free a bit. IL will help practically around the house too but useless at cooking and good with the kids.

I’m not expecting them to do all of that, just to want to be involved with their grandchildren, which is what they offered to do when agreeing to babysit in the first place!

I’ll accept that I’m being entitled for wanting my parent to be involved, know and have a bond with my children. It’s how I was raised with my grandparents and have fond memories of going to theirs or them coming to us of them doing bedtime stories with me, or cooking and baking with them.

It’s the fact that my parent offers to come and help but then does nothing when here which irritates me.

I’m not going to bother replying anymore. It’s obvious that some people expect their parents to be involved with grandchildren, others expect nothing at all, so I have my answer from this.

Blue horse flies , not heard that before 😂

No expectations, I would ask if I needed help though,maybe holding the baby while I got on with bath time or something.

I’m not getting them cuddling or interacting with them, this is what I’m trying to say. That’s all I’m asking for, without having to ask them to do that stuff.

That makes me entitled apparently, so that’s that.

I have similar from one set. They come here, get waited on and then ignore the children completely but monologue at me when I'm looking after the children and waiting on them. Mine are literally on their phones once they've said what they want to say.
I don't think yabu at all. It's not like you are asking them to set up activities or take the children out, you are literally saying please don't ignore my children because it's incredibly rude to ignore someone in their own home.

But they are helping. They are babysitting so you and your DH can go out.

Wow did you really expect them to get up early and do childcare while you rest? Just because one grandparent does doesn't mean you should expect it. Do you only invite them in the hope of help?
Even if your fit and active children can be exhausting some grandparents just find it too much others soldier on while others love it.....they have you childcare to go to work because grateful

isn’t it a blue-arsed fly not a blue horse fly? Misses point of thread

on the thread, I think you’re rude sorry.

It is usual to put your kids to bed for a babysitter, family or otherwise. You know the routine, the favourite stories etc, having someone else do it may unsettle the kids.

My parents have always been pretty hands on, favourite activity being reading to the kids. But have generally needed to be asked / encouraged - T would like a bedtime story, who would like to read him one? They would not have taken them to the park alone until they really felt comfortable with them.

My PIL were slightly less hands on, maybe because I'm the DIL, but again happy to read a story or answer questions when they got older. By the tweens they were happy to have them on their own for a day or more. My younger dc and both grandfathers love Terry Pratchett which is lovely.

You may need to explicitly say - DD, why not show grandma your new toy / book? My parents expect to help out when they are visiting overnight but Im not generally shy in asking people to muck in with chopping veg / drying dishes / popping to shops for missing ingredients if needed.

Hi OP - this does sound a real shame.

Just playing benefit of the doubt, maybe they’re not in the swing of it and just don’t realise you’d welcome more engagement? Perhaps it seems like you’ve got everything under control and they don’t want to interfere with your schedules?

Perhaps next time before they visit or before you visit you could try and lay some hints and encouragement: “Hi mum, we’re all looking forward to seeing you. DS’s reading is really coming along - perhaps you can do some books with him / DD is really enjoying X at the moment, maybe you can do this together. Also, I’m running out for a quick yoga class on Sunday morning (can’t wait, it’s so hard to get any exercise in with two small children!) but I’ve got some new sticker books in and just done a big supermarket order so should all be fine if I pop out for an hour!!”

maybe something like that might help them get stuck in more?

eta: I think asking them to ask as parents and do all the work etc is unreasonable but it sounds like you’re upset at the lack of engagement and participation, which is what is addresses.

I'm kind of confused. Didn't your parents look after your oldest one day a week? And, the other grandparents do loads for you? And you said you only wanted them to bond/ play, but also to get up with the toddler so you can get some more sleep?

FWIW, I disagree passionately with people who say your children, your job. I think that's a dismal view of how families function, and I think a good relationship between grandparents and grandchildren depends on lots of good, playful interactions and loving care - in both directions, with the support of the parents.

But - and I say this to give you a different perspective on your situation - I gave birth to my youngest alone (not even a midwife until the last ten minutes) because my parents didn't want to be here until after the baby was born. When they did visit, they arrived empty-handed and hungry, expecting lunch, which I made while they read the paper. The only lies in I get are when my husband gets up instead. And I've never had any babysitting from any family (or any of the playful interactions/ cuddles I'd love for my kids). So you sound wildly lucky to me. I get that you're disappointed, and I understand, but you really do have a pretty good support network, and your parents do visit, and they have done a lot for you already.

When I was 10 days post partum with baby no2 and a 3 year old, my parents sat on the sofa while I made dinner, holding the baby and trying to entertain my preschooler.

The midwife came over to do the usual checks and I sat on the hard wooden dining chair with her. She read my parents the riot act for not making room for me to sit on the sofa.

My DM played the odd game with the DC and read to them when younger but these days not much. My DC barely have a relationship with them. Nor do I tbh.

If they pop in for half an hour, I would leave the jobs and sit down with them. I wouldn't ask them to help but maybe get the dc to show what they had made /were reading and hope they get the hint.

If they come overnight...I actually find this quite hard as they want to talk to me, and so do the kids. Split in two. So that limits the visit in a way.

They have done some stuff with the kids but not much. They much prefer to talk to the adults! My mother would have done some babysitting if we were stuck.

I wouldn't have left them with my dad when little. Asking us if we would not just put the baby on our lap instead of bringing a second car may have something to do with that!

Yes, they did a lot but slowly done less and less, to the point we have to ask for them to engage with them.

@tourdefrance all I want is for them to offer and want to do a bedtime story for instance, or join in on bath time as my toddler loves making things on his bath coffee machine. I think we’re lucky that we get the opposite with the ILs as they fight over who does the bedtime story, or volunteer to entertain the baby so I can shower and get ready in the morning etc.

and everyone questioning my message, it’s actually made us have a great conversation. I explained how I’ve been struggling to adjust to two children, how an extra pair of hands would be a godsend right now and we’ve booked in another visit and they’ve found an activity for us to do as a group.

This is all I ever wanted tbh. Just a small gesture and interest in doing things with the grandchildren.

I've got annoyed with my DF before because he will complain that he doesn't get to see our DCs much (we live abroad so visits tend to be a couple of times a year for a couple of weeks at a time) but then sit on the sofa playing a game on his phone and ignore the kids playing around him. I don't expect him to provide childcare but I do expect him to not ignore people when they're trying to engage with him, whether they are children or adults.

OP I agree with you and I’m in a similar position. I’ve had to accept the situation for what it is. It’s a kind of grief. I mourn the type of relationship I thought we could have as an extended family.

Whenever either set of grandparents come over they expect to be waited on hand and foot. Even if we didn’t have the kids then I find it incredibly rude and entitled. Surely guests should pitch in with clearing up if they’re staying for several nights. I’m not a B&B at the best of times and especially not with a newborn baby and a 2 year old!!

It’s only recently that society has decided that grandparents shouldn’t help if they don’t want to. Human civilisation would have died out long ago if this had always been the case. How is it reasonable that the recovering mother should also cook and clean for everyone?

It’s affected my relationship with them and I’m not in any way close to them.