Bridesmaid got engaged on my wedding day...

[Doghouse1g1]

Girls I really need some advice..
I had to cancel my wedding 4 months ago due to my partner cheating with numerous women.
My wedding should have been Saturday just gone in Italy. Some of the wedding party decided to go ahead with the weekend anyway as it was all booked and paid for (flights, air bnbs etc) which I was fine with as they has paid a big expense to attend.
My best friend (and bridesmaid) was one of these guests and she contacted me via Facetime yesterday to tell me her boyfriend proposed on Saturday (which should have been my wedding day) on the beach in Italy 🙈
I was absolutely gobsmacked and replied saying I was pleased for her but I needed time to process the news and ended the call.
I am happy for her but I do feel it's totally insensitive and I'm in total shock. How do I move past this?

It wasnt your wedding anymore, it was just a hoilday to them. Shes not being insensitive, its just life. Youll find mr right in your own time - just be happy for her.

I cannot believe the amount of people saying your being weird , wtaf😱.
Very insensitive of your friend to do this.
Sorry hun 💐 x

Your friend was very insensitive. I don’t know how the call ended but I expect she realises that now. From your friend’s point of view she spent a lot of money on a holiday that they wouldn’t have chosen. There was probably a bit of upset about cost. It’s a beautiful romantic venue - because you have good taste - and her boyfriend thought so too. Her boyfriend thought this expensive holiday, that they probably could have used money for alternative stuff, would be the perfect opportunity to make something good happen.

The venue is not the one you would go back to I expect. So if you can try and think of it as a place that she ‘cleansed’ for you. It’s a reach I know! Please go back to her and say you were taken back but he’s got good taste and you are genuinely happy for them both.

You've had a horrible few months. Try and see this as closing a chapter.

Or don't be miffed with the boyfriend. He won't be close to OP, she's just one of his gf's pals. His gf will have dozens of pals and no doubt he will struggle to keep up to speed with the myriad of life events that they all go through.

If it wasn't OP's intended date it wouldv'e the date another had a miscarriage on, or the anniversary of a dogs death of another. You can't be sensitive to every friend of your partners dates of importance, otherwise there'd be no dates left to propose!

Or you could be miffed and fiance will likely not care much because again not his pal, he's just tryng to do a nice thing for the women he loves.

Not your 'wedding day'!

You are being a bit weird. Why would it bother you? Why should your ex-bridesmaid worry about getting engaged that day - and anyway, her boyfriend chose the day not her.

YABU.

She as on a lovely holiday.

You are not engaged. That date should now mean nothing. You carry the pain of that, but you really can't expect everyone else to do so as well!

Good for you to cancel everything because of your nasty ex cheating - well done!!! But I'd really advise trying to get over this - if you cling on to thoughts like "Today I should have been married" it'll make getting over your bastard ex much harder. That day is nothing, absolutely nothing. Mourn your relationship, but don't fixate on trivial stuff such as the date of your cancelled wedding.

I used to work with someone whose fiance, not only ran off with her friend, but married said friend on the date and at the church originally booked for their wedding.

That is something to be upset about, your friend getting engaged is not. Hide your feelings and congratulate her FFS.

She should have texted you to allow you time to process the news and realised you may be upset about the fact it was when you had planned to get married (but it wasn't your wedding day). You should be happy for her. Message back and make a fuss of her. How you're feeling shouldn't impact her good news.

I think some posters are being insensitive here. I can understand why you are upset op, but don’t let it come between your friendship. Your mates bf was insensitive here.

Sorry to hear what you’ve been through!

I’d imagine they were a bit miffed (at your ex, not you!) that they’d spent money on this for it to be cancelled and the bloke wanted to make the most of the trip, rather then booking somewhere else to propose somewhere special. For some people, it HAS to be abroad.

I do agree though that he apparently hasn’t got an ounce of tact. If I was your friend, I’d have said it was a different day.

OP I'm sorry. You've been through a horrible time and this must have felt like a sucker punch.

However, part of adulting is learning that other people's lives do not stop when we go through individual misfortunes. It is ok to struggle and feel hurt, but we have to accept that we cannot stop the world around us.

Every day relationships break down and others get engaged. A friend might suffer a miscarriage on the day another finds out they are pregnant. Some might get a fantastic promotion while others are made redundant etc. It isn't reasonable to expect your friends to put their lives on hold while you grieve.

For most of us a holiday abroad is an expensive and occasional treat. They couldn't cancel so had no option but to go anyway. If he had proposed at your wedding that would have been unreasonable, but to propose when on holiday was not.

It is possible your friend is a complete bitch who wanted to rub your face in it, but more likely she was excited and wanted to tell you to your face rather than leave you out of the loop and let you find out from someone else.

I’m going against the grain here…

I can understand why you are upset.

First of all the facts are it wasn’t your friends choice to get engaged that day. Her fiancé is the one that proposed. But… If you were my close friend and I was due to be your bridesmaid on your big day, knowing you was cheated on and clearly was going to find Saturday hard. I would have said no. I know others may think I’m crazy but, if you meant a lot to me I would probably feel uncomfortable with my partner choosing to get engaged that day knowing my best friend was home feeling sad about her cheating should of been husband.

Your friend said yes as she was happy and excited I guess. I am curious to know how the FaceTime call went, was she sensitive in any way? I can understand how hard it would of been for you for her to come on FaceTime showing off her ring getting engaged on what should of been your wedding day in the destination you chose.

I think they did the right thing going away still.

My friend was cheated on and her wedding day didn’t go ahead, I spent the day checking in ensuring she was alright. I couldn’t imagine getting engaged on that day.

You ought to be pleased that your friends haven’t lost out after you cancelled the wedding.

Or do you want them to feel miserable too? 🤔

I think it’s a shame you didn’t go on holiday with them, to be honest. You could have salvaged something from all the effort you put into arranging the wedding.

A huge percentage of men cheat so maybe be thankful you weren’t married before you found out and focus on having a great life going forwards. Spending time feeling sorry for yourself is fair enough for a short while, but don’t let this event define you.

Try and be a Glass half full person and you’ll be much happier.

(My ex was cheating whilst my mum was dying and I discovered it when I found myself pregnant just before the funeral. I wallowed for a few weeks then sold the house and moved hundreds of miles away and started again. I’m a thousand times happier now.)

Can’t believe some of the horrible responses on this thread “get over yourself” etc

Of course the OP’s planned wedding date is etched on her mind, and would be a difficult day for her to get through, imagining what might have been. It is not her bridesmaid’s fault that that is when her boyfriend proposed. Not terribly sensitive of him, but the bridesmaid can’t exactly be expected to say no. But I can completely understand why it feels like a kick in the teeth to OP and some on this thread are sorely lacking in empathy.

But again, her mate is going to put it on socials no doubt and the people who are there are going to be talking about it. I admire the mate for called the Op to let her know personally than letting the Op find out second hand on social media. Everyone would be slating the mate for not having to guts to call the OP if everyone else knew and no one had told her. Her mate can’t win can she?

I think @Doghouse1g1 you are projecting onto your friend your ongoing pain about the end of the relationship you thought was the one.

That's not fair.

Think it through, and work out what's important to you. Hanging on to the shreds of a relationship with a cheating ex is just not worth it. You're worth more than that.

Tbf, it wasn't your wedding day, it was their holiday and it is totally natural to use a special time to propose. I get you're hurting and she could have waited to tell you but since the cancellation you had no claim on that day.

I think you're being unreasonable sorry

That's what I was thinking.

I think some people are being harsh. Of course you would be hurt to hear that, it's like a kick in the stomach reminding you that your partner was awful. It's not her fault though and in time I think you'll be happy for her.

@Doghouse1g1

I hope you’re ignoring the pedants crying about how it wasn’t actually your wedding day because you didn’t get married. Not only was it supposed to be your wedding day, it was also in the location you chose. It is staggeringly insensitive.

I consider myself to be an honest person but in this situation some bending of the truth would have been diplomatic and spared your feelings. They could have announced when they returned home, or told you they got engaged before they flew out. I guess she couldn’t control when he proposed but if you were my friend, I would have spared you that.

Be happy for her. Be grateful it wasn't your wedding day.

I'm so sorry you're going through a hard time. But gently, it wasn't your wedding day anymore - the title was misleading. If anybody is insensitive, it's the boyfriend - don't be mad at your friend, I'm presuming she didn't know what was coming. But you're right, maybe she shouldn't have Face timed you right away and waited til she was back but people just don't think when they're excited. Hopefully you can get past this

I would be really happy for my friend.

And happy that you found out what type of man you were marrying before it was too late.

Congratulations to both of you! Celebrate when she’s back, her engagement and your freedom.