Bridesmaid got engaged on my wedding day...

[Doghouse1g1]

Girls I really need some advice..
I had to cancel my wedding 4 months ago due to my partner cheating with numerous women.
My wedding should have been Saturday just gone in Italy. Some of the wedding party decided to go ahead with the weekend anyway as it was all booked and paid for (flights, air bnbs etc) which I was fine with as they has paid a big expense to attend.
My best friend (and bridesmaid) was one of these guests and she contacted me via Facetime yesterday to tell me her boyfriend proposed on Saturday (which should have been my wedding day) on the beach in Italy 🙈
I was absolutely gobsmacked and replied saying I was pleased for her but I needed time to process the news and ended the call.
I am happy for her but I do feel it's totally insensitive and I'm in total shock. How do I move past this?

Op won’t apologise because posters like you have made her feel so bad when she was already down that she has not come back.

Nothing wrong with OP’s behaviour. It’s a matter of who should have sucked up their true feelings? In my view, in good relationships the person with good news has more bandwidth to do that for the person going through a bad one, especially if it is not a massive compromise. I guess some people are perfectionist when it comes to a happy news. And those are the people expecting op to suck it up for the sake of her friend who in better state of mind.

You move past this non event by remembering you're a grown up.

You did the right thing by cancelling your wedding, I hope he's dumped too, so you clearly have something about you. Don't be silly now by pissing on her parade.

Some of the replies are certainly in that category.

In fairness, its not really her fault her partner chose then to pop the question. Surely you wouldn't have expected her to drag him off his knees hissing 'Not now Nigel! Have some respect for Doghouse!'? If it were me I'd tell myself that other people's happiness didn't make my own life any worse, and be glad the day turned out well for your friend. I know it's hard, but if you don't seperate your misfortune from other people's joy and be pleased for them without internalising it, you could end up becoming bitter, and you shouldn't let a low life cheat you're better off without do that to you.

Really insensitive of your friend. Anyone would be upset, its absolutely understandable. Im glad youre not getting married to a cheat x

I get wherevuoure coming from OP. It would have been an upsetting few days for you. But itcwas outbid your friends hands. Her BF proposed and he would probably not have given it any thought whatsoever the significance of the day for you. Plus, although it might not feel like it ATM, it's nice that something nice came out of it all, and you might one day remember the day for nice reasons too.

1. you created a situation where your friends had to spend large amounts of money to attend your wedding. You could have had a local event and not reached into their pockets.
2. she can’t control that her fiancé used their holiday, that they didn’t even plan voluntarily, to propose

Your friend was insensitive. Not everyone has the same level of emotional intelligence.it wasn’t malicious and you will probably feel less raw about it as time passes.

I can easily believe that the friend's fiance forgot about the wedding date - or that it didn't strike him as being important enough to avoid it. Even if I remembered the date, I honestly wouldn't expect someone to be upset that I'd been proposed to on that date. These things matter more to some people than to others.

Of course you’d be pissed off. You’d also be the type to choose a destination wedding and dictate friends spend a huge sum of money and time in your event. And then after the event is cancelled and your friends are unable to recoup money or change to a destination if their choosing you’d get cross when they try and continue with their life plans and make the best of it.

Yup you’re not entitled in the slightest and the 86% of ppl that chose YABU are in the wrong 🙄

Think you need to apologise to your friend.

It was not your wedding. It was their holiday.

Given the way most of these posters have spoken to the op, delighted to kick her when she’s already down, I’m very happy not to be part of that 86%.

Me too. I can’t believe how brutal people have been, and I’m certain if the engaged friend posted saying her friend was being pathetic, she’d be rightly ripped apart.

Me three.

This has really brought out the Batshit Brigade..

I thought she got engaged at your wedding! Which happens but is very poor form.
Would you have been hurt if she hadn’t told you? Or told you later on? Maybe she should have waited a bit as the weekend must have felt pretty raw for you.

You lost me when you address the population of MN as "Girls". You are not living in an episode of Sex & the City.
Your friend cannot control the date that her partner proposed.

Personally I think the friend's boyfriend played a blinder here. They were going to a beautiful wedding location, the main reason they were initially going for is no longer happening so...why not use the opportunity to propose? Very little thought or effort required on his part to set up a romantic proposal, it was already there.

I can understand why OP feels sore, I probably would too. I'm sure when the dust has settled she'll feel better and happy to celebrate with her friend.

I get that she was sad, but her friend did nothing wrong. And yes, you are right, it sucks it was done on that date, but not everything is about you and sometimes you just need to suck it up and be happy for others. Perhaps the friend was not thinking about the date and did not realize. Also, if I was the person that had to cancel the wedding, I would have felt bad for all those people that had paid for flights and hotel....not just thinking about myself and my own sorrows. I would have been happy that my friend at least had something positive come from it.

oh how wrong you are. And she wasn't jilted, she was cheated on.

ftr, for those asking if i'd say that to people in RL, yes, i do, and i have, and i did last night to a friend who phoned me at 1.30am this morning in tears over a break up with their cheating ass ex of 5 years.

"I don't how i'm going to get over it"
"In the nicest possible way lovely, you don't have any other choice than to get over it, because you have to get on with your life, and they don't deserve your tears or heartache"

It does come over as harsh on here because there is very little sentiment behind words on a screen.

Hasn't put any of my friends off reaching out to me for support and advice though

It was thoughtless of her fiance to pick that particular day, but I don't think she could have refused him for that reason.

Sorry you're having a very difficult time

Her friend could’ve waited to tell op. No one said she should have declined the proposal. She even told op how she was proposed - in a beach.

Anyways, we all are wasting time here, op was smart to leave this thread long back. Op does not deserve to be kicked like this for feeling her friend could have been a bit sensitive to her.

It comes over harsh because the way you are talking is harsh. Your friend has no choice but she still should be tolerated by her friend for feeling the way she is feeling, not judged - you have no choice.

People like you are fair weather friends.

So if someone disagrees with you, they must be 'batshit'? I think that reasoning is... er... batshit?

Sometimes I don't think AIBUers live in the real world.

I'd be delighted if my bridesmaid got engaged on my wedding day, I'd be happy to share the joy and it would make it even more special but this situation? No. Absolutely not!

It's so incredibly insensitive. I know it's not your friends fault but she should have had a little more tact when telling you.

This is AIBU though so even if your bridesmaid murdered your puppy you'd still be told you were being unreasonable by the mob on here, you can never win on here.