Bridesmaid got engaged on my wedding day...

[Doghouse1g1]

Girls I really need some advice..
I had to cancel my wedding 4 months ago due to my partner cheating with numerous women.
My wedding should have been Saturday just gone in Italy. Some of the wedding party decided to go ahead with the weekend anyway as it was all booked and paid for (flights, air bnbs etc) which I was fine with as they has paid a big expense to attend.
My best friend (and bridesmaid) was one of these guests and she contacted me via Facetime yesterday to tell me her boyfriend proposed on Saturday (which should have been my wedding day) on the beach in Italy 🙈
I was absolutely gobsmacked and replied saying I was pleased for her but I needed time to process the news and ended the call.
I am happy for her but I do feel it's totally insensitive and I'm in total shock. How do I move past this?

But equally, can you imagine the post “my friend was due to get married abroad but her husband cheated so the wedding was called off last minute. She was gutted of course, but all us guests went anyway to have a fun holiday, which the non-bride was OK with. It was an amazing location, really beautiful, and my boyfriend proposed to me on the beach. I know my friend is at home broken hearted but I’m going to face time her and tell her how blissfully happy I am and what a romantic place this is. AIBU?”.

I’m pretty sure in that scenario the OP would be told to have a bit of consideration and not be so selfish.

Some of these responses are actually monstrous. What the hell happened to some of you to make you so harsh and mean?

OP, I'm so sorry you're life and plans were wrecked by a cheating scumbag only four months ago.

Agree with others that the BF was a bit of a tit to use the holiday to propose but I hope you can be happy for them and hold onto the friendship.

So you wanted her to say no to the surprise proposal from her partner, because it was your cancelled day? And then what? Ask him to propose again the following day when the magic and excitement had gone?

it must have been a shock to find out your partner cheated on you with so many people. Well done for cancelling your wedding not going through with it. I’m glad your friends were still able to go and not lose their annual leave and money

They really wouldn’t. The OP is obviously understandably angry and upset and should direct that anger and upset at the person whose multiple infidelities meant she had to cancel her wedding, not someone leading her own separate life and being thoughtful enough to let her know before she found out another way.

OP, I think you need to think a bit more calmly. This friend is not ‘your bridesmaid’ because the wedding didn’t happen. It wasn’t your wedding day, for the same reason. She’s someone you presumably value. You can be happy for her while also being sad and angry about why your wedding was called off. And also proud of yourself that you did call it off.

Ot maybe OP could be a good friend and "let" her "best" friend enjoy the occasion? A horrible thing happened to OP, but nothing friend has done r could do changes that.

True but it comes down to whether you think the Op should be the last to know or not? I say her mate was a good friend to tell her directly, other people disagree. I don’t think there is a right or wrong. I would have wanted to have been told but clearly other people would have preferred to have been kept in the dark.

Honestly I’m shocked by the lack of sympathy- you’re not being weird OP ❤️
I can imagine the whole experience of having to cancel a big wedding was horrendous (on top of your relationship/life being turned on its head). I’m sure you’ve been dreading this day coming, and whilst it’s not her fault that her bf proposed, I’d have expected a little sensitivity to your feelings. It’s not a case of her saying no to the proposal, but she could have maybe waited until the next day to share her news with you, or maybe just acknowledged it was a tricky day for you. Saying this, my advice is to say nothing (to your friend or her fiancé)- it won’t achieve anything except to ruin your friendship. Try to just accept that she didn’t intend to be hurtful, but that she wasn’t thinking of you in the midst of her excitement. Smile, congratulate them both, and in time it won’t hurt as much

Is that the only thing you could imagine op found insensitive? Did it not occur to you that maybe OP’s issue is that friend called her next day and told her on FaceTime a day after that painful day for op. Could she not have waited to come back and tell Op without mentioning the day?

YABU - and it's not like she proposed to him, it was his choice. Sorry though that sounds very hard and I understand you're upset. But not her fault.

@LingThing where does OP say she wanted her friend to decline the proposal?

I wouldn’t care but I wasn’t precious about my wedding day

Is this day to be blocked out for her entire friendship group forever more?

No and I'm not aware that the OP suggested that it should.

I'd love to know how long the OP is allowed to feel sad and grieve for her expected future that has disappeared if sixteen weeks is already too long and she must "get over herself" already.

There were lots of other people on the holiday though- presumably they would know and probably would talk about it on WhatsApp groups or SM. It is nigh on impossible to keep things quiet. That is why the mate probably called as she knew it would get out.

Obtuse - this was OP’s booked wedding day as you know. Of course OP would feel raw on the day/during the time of the holiday that was all arranged for her wedding.

her bridesmaid - fine to get engaged during the holiday. Absolutely no need to tell op that the guy proposed on the day of the wedding that op had booked. Could have left it a couple of days and sent a message saying she was engaged. Not “my bf proposed on the beach on your fucked wedding holiday on your fucked non wedding day”

Maybe friend would have told her that she didn’t want to tell her while she was still raw. Last to know in this scenario is not as bad as knowing next day.

This thread shows how cold and self centred people could be. Just in case it’s not clear, I am not talking about the friend but the posters.

So its only a dick move if they were getting married ? I think he could have proposed anywhere else then... Its a dick move either way.

To you but another person might react differently. There is no right or wrong. I’d have been pleased my mate is so close to me they called me. You perhaps would have preferred to have not been told. How was the friend supposed to know the best thing to do? I don’t think anyone is the bad guy in this situation tbh. It is just awkward.

It is not your wedding day. You cancelled your wedding. Four months ago.

It is now your best friend's engagement day. How lovely!

Don't be Miss Havisham, all mouldering lace and spider-infested cobwebs.

I think you’re getting a hard time here, OP - well, from the messages I’ve read so far.

You said you were happy for her but needed time to process. I think that was an authentic and reasonable response.

i do agree with others that it’s the bf’s fault. It’s a bit crass/thoughtless of him but not your friend’s fault. But you never said to her it was.

Having reread it, and seen its your best friend, I understand more how painful that must be. Sorry OP. Did she apologise or at least understand a bit? I think blame him for insensitive timing and maybe down the line you can tell her your feelings while saying you're happy for her. She is caught up in her own excitement understandably but it's a little insensitive of him, and hard for you to feel like others have so quickly forgotten about what this was meant to mean for your dreams which were broken recently.

Maybe she didnt need to tell op about the beach she got engaged in?

Maybe if she really cared, she could have told friends to not post anything about her engagement before she does for the sake of OP’s feelings.

Posting on social media can wait.
I guess social media posts are more important. At least now op knows what matters more to her mate - posting on social media or caring for her feelings.

@CantStopMoving I would have sent a text saying “I wanted to tell you this so that you don’t see it first on social media, but boyfriend and I got engaged today. I know this weekend is really hard for you, and I know that my news might take some getting used to. You’re a great friend and I know you’ll be happy for me, but I also know that you’re hurting a lot and will need some time to process this. Lots of love”. Something like that, which would be so much easier to cope with than a joyous face-time.

I remember a good friend gently breaking it to me that she was pregnant with her second child when I’d just had my 3rd failed IVF. It really helped that she told me her news in a way that acknowledged the mixed feelings I would have.

They paid a fortune to be there. May as well make the most of it.

By your argument, op is not wrong to react in a way your or some posters here might have. So op is not unreasonable.