How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

Pre-children, I probably saw my in laws a few times a year.

Now my husband usually takes the children to see them once a week. I go along every 4-6 weeks.

I don't particularly like them but wouldn't stop my children seeing their grandparents. Facilitating that is very much my husband's job though. They're his parents.

I would like to see her more so we can have a good relationship I think that would be obvious. I would also get to see my son more, it be nice for us to have a weekly dinner at my house. Then when grandchild come along they will be able to come more often.

So are you the previous poster mentioned repeatedly or.....?

I don’t think offering one on one is a good idea though. I wasn’t invited to her dress shopping during wedding planning and I asked her to take me shopping for my dress and she was too busy.

I think it is better to go with son there too. I will ring later and ask him to book a restaurant for us all to go to.

Yes I have posted previously but I’m not sure what they have to do with this post

I hear you op 😒

But you’re not going to have a good relationship if she hates you, are you?
Have you invited them for a weekly dinner at your house? I have to say that I adore my MIL but weekly but be a bit of a bind… we have lives, jobs, hobbies and friends to fit in too.
I think the main issue here is that you think you’re not going to get enough time with your grandchildren (if there are any, they may decide not to have children).

More often than weekly with small grandchildren!

Yeah, that is utterly unreasonable.

I don’t think she is a horrible person but maybe self absorbed and focused on other things. I think she sees her little family bubble and I’m not included in it uunfortunately.

Because often, the back story is relevant. You have lots of complaints about your DIL and her perceived shortcomings, which she may well have picked up on.

Sounds like the same poster.

Thread after thread after thread.

Because every time you post a variation on the same tale, each time you get the same advice and each time you ignore it in favour of starting another thread making the same complaints.

Are you going to ignore all the advice this time as well? Have you taken any actions on the advice given previously?

What do you do to make and maintain contact with your DIL, OP? Why should she visit you, if you haven’t invested time and effort into the relationship? You may well have done all you can, but that’s not clear from your post. During the first ten years I always went with DP if he asked, and made a particular effort after having children - at least 2-3 times a year and then hosted visits from her. But I began to realise I was putting all the effort in - and now DP takes thd kids (now 15 and 17) on his own - those visits feel like duty visits for all three.

I don’t think she is a horrible person but maybe self absorbed

Oh the irony

I rarely visit my ILs with DH, who visits them usually once per week. Various reasons and I’m sure they probably think I hate them, when I don’t, I just don’t particularly enjoy spending time with them. This generally came about when dc were small and I’d have a break while they visited, but they are older now, and I still don’t visit and often the dc don’t either, their choice. We live locally so see them quite frequently anyway to socialise together (eg birthdays, bbqs or random meals out), and they pop round to our house fairly regularly, so I rarely go 2 weeks without seeing them.

This is mainly because ILs are old fashioned in terms of expecting a visit where everyone sits around and chats for an hour or two, which is a bit alien to me as my family tend to communicate very regularly via WhatsApp group and only meet in person for a specific reason eg to pick something up from one another’s house, or to specifically socialise.

Spending a couple of hours of my weekend just sitting there listening to inane every day stuff (often with a racist or slightly ignorant slant imo) just isn’t something I want to do. I do feel a little guilty in terms of DH feelings about it, but that is the situation at the moment and I think we’re both relatively comfortable with it. I’m sure it’s seen as rude, but my own DM did similar with her ILs when I was young (but would only see them approx once per year).

If posters here picked up on it within two or three posts, then you can bet the DIL has.

The MiL expectations seem incredibly high. Not many would be invited wedding dress shopping for example. A weekly dinner, and more often with kids? That’s crackers.

My bet would be DIL started off trying to have a good relationship and realised that whatever she did it was never going to be enough, so pulled back entirely.

Oh god no to once a week duty dinners. I say duty dinners because that’s what they become. I used to enjoy the ooo Sunday dinner at in-laws they but the posh foods and go all out. Then it became expected that we would want to go every Sunday and then it was oh your not coming?? Then it was dreading going. Till it stopped happening eventually.

Though I’ve jinxed myself. My mil has just text to announce she shall be popping by shortly with “bag of stuff”…. Best get dusting.

I feel for you but sometimes those relationships aren’t built that way. i think starting off ‘weekly’ seems a bit much. I also think it’s fine for her to join in maybe 1/3 of the times (this is what DH and I do to our respective parents/PIL).

Depending on travel distance maybe once a month at a nearby pub as a neutral space gets the ball rolling? If you’re prepping this relationship with a view to what happens when the grandkids come that is also not fair on your DiL - it sounds like you are jumping ahead to a future state or future concern re low contact.

I very rarely see my MIL. Maybe 2-3 times a year - and we only live 30 mins away. My DP goes without me. I'm genuinely busy and most of the time when she invites us over I can't go. (And my partner doesn't see my mum any more often - we're pretty separate. I spend lots of time with my own mum without my partner.)

Asking her to take you dress shopping is a massive ask, she would have had a million things to do. It's also unreasonable for you to expect to have been invited to her dress shopping. You are not her mother.

Are you the same person who got upset that you wasn’t mentioned specifically in a wedding speech, because your DIL mentioned her own mum?

I've read previous posts, you sound hard work and determined badger your DIL. You can’t force a relationship, let her be

Very relevant, it paints a fuller picture of your expectations and behaviour

I always visit when husband does, we're invited and expected as a couple.
It would be weird if I didn't go, and I've only done this because of illness.
But then we have a nice relationship with his parents, see them roughly fortnightly, but it varies, sometimes more often, sometimes less depending on how busy everyone is.
I have no contact with my own family, which is likely a factor, but my in-laws have only ever been kind and easy company, which is the more important bit I suppose.

It may be unintentional or you may be unaware but the tone of your comments portrays a victim complex. (Sad reality is no one wants to spend time with the victim especially as your victim stance framed DIL as the perpetrator)

Relationships work both ways and have peaks and troughs, but if I was you I would try and offer help to them, see how you could be useful in their lives? I suspect your retired and they are working? Many parents have lots of free time and skills and it’s nice and loving to offer your time and help.

you mentioned about them picking you up, do you not drive?/unable to use public transport

It’s all relevant it’s the back story.

This isn’t a dil hates me I don’t know why.

This is a I blame Dil for a lot of things that either shouldn’t be expected from her.

It’s your son’s job to celebrate you on Mother’s Day not her. His speech thanked you she thanks her mother. She went dress shopping with her mum, you are not her mum. You asked a busy bride who works late in the run up to her wedding to take you, if you needed help again your son is the person to ask.

You’re ringing him constantly and moaning she doesn’t come round but he does.

You need to lower your expectations a lot. Nothing worse than being badgered to death by someone you’re polite to for someone you love. The resentment builds massively.