How often does your DIL visit/you visit your in laws?

[AnotherSadMIL]

If you are a MIL how often does your DIL come to visit when your son does? If you are a DIL how often do you visit with your husband?

My DIL quite clearly hates me. I’ve seen her once within the last year with my son and that was only because it was Christmas. I just don’t know if we’re expecting too much thinking she should visit more when son does. No children yet but I suspect in the very near future and I am already upset thinking about how little she will want the children to visit.

In our relationship its me that suggests/persuades him to see his parents and it'll always be together or as a family. He rarely goes to see them without me!

When MIL was alive we (DH, our two DC and I) would visit my in-laws every week for dinner. They only live a few miles away.

Since MIL passed away 5 years ago I rarely see FIL, DH goes one evening a week but I'm knackered by then as I help care for my own mum who has Alzheimer's.

I feel extremely guilty for not visiting FIL much but I am feeling the awful effects of peri, chronic health issues and depression and I'm not up for making conversations these days. Not an excuse, I know but sometimes we have hidden reasons for not visiting as much as we should.

Maybe you dil has some health issues which she is keeping quite about.

I don't have a daughter in law but I was one and I used to pop in and out of my in-laws' house all the time but they were not that far away. I looked after my mother in law towards the end of her life when she had Parkinsons, bless her.

Wa wa waaaa “my DIL hates me” I don’t know why, oh DIL is evil and I’m perfect. Oh feel sorry for me” wa waaa waaaaaaaa

She used to socialise with you because your son lived there so she would actually be coming there to see him.

She had her own house and he moved in there so there was no need for her to come to yours to socialise with him. She would help you out with lifts then because she was coming anyway.

He now pops by when convenient after work.

You seem to ask at very short notice eg. can I see you this weekend. Try booking something up with more notice. Ask them but phrased as I would very much like to see you both sometime. When would be convenient to you?

I agree with a PP who said your "little favours" seem little to you but aren't necessarily little to someone with a full time job, their own home to run and with little down time which they may want to use to relax and decompress.

Was the falling out over money an assumption she was sponging off your son rather than her being the higher earner of the two because that is going to be something that may stick in her mind a while, pretty insufferable and make her not wish to engage with you?

One dil visits on her own (her own family live locally) and with my son. The other usually comes with my son unless he is visiting for a specific purpose rather than a holiday.

When it comes to visiting my mil - sometimes I go, sometimes I don't. It's nothing to do with our relationship, just a matter of convenience. When we visit together it is usually because I have initiated it and the same when she comes to us. Although she has his number I am the one she calls for a chat which is lovely.

Oh yes! I am the higher earner and always have been. My DH has always made this clear to his mother. Despite this she's always made snide comments about me 'spending his money', buying me a car etc etc. It's not funny and even hearing it once is bad enough, let alone several times over several years. That's only scratching the surface, she's made fun of my family, made assumptions about my morals, the list goes on. Unsurprisingly I don't want to be around her.

DH goes with DD most weekends, I don't usually go because it means I get an hour or two quiet and I need alone time.

I sometimes call in on my non working days, or she and FIL will pop over here to see DD more than me.

We have invited them for Christmas, we have Christmas Eve at theirs or we go out, we alternate Easter etc.

Neither of my SILs see PILs as often as I do because of past behaviour towards them (and in one case, SIL to MIL). It is hard work for BILs and I don't want that for DH so I make the effort. Sometimes it's hard work because MIL can be hard work, but mostly it's worth it and her heart is in the right place (mostly), despite what her words and actions sometimes say.

We're in a different country so my husband usually goes alone & stays.

I'm pretty sure MIL prefers it that way.

As do I!

We don’t visit MIL at all. I haven’t set foot in her house in 10+ years probably. Her partner is a convicted sexual offender and is not allowed contact with my children, so I have no desire to go visit them on my own anyway.

The one time Dh has planned a visit in the past 10 years, when her partner was in hospital having surgery so he was going to support his mum who has health issues of her own, partner rang Dh literally from his bed in ICU and threatened him that he wasn’t allowed to visit. MIL cancelled and said Dh wasn’t allowed over, in his family home, which his mum has owned for 50+ years, but I digress. You get the picture. We’re all gleefully awaiting his demise, but he seems to be hanging on a bit.

MIL visits us, without her awful knobhead of a partner, about once every 8 weeks when she needs a break from him and wants to see the kids.

It's the same pattern on all her threads! She name changes but her posting style makes it obvious who she is and even Inspector Clouseau would have no problem unmasking her.

As soon as posters put two and two together and ask her about her previous threads, she disappears and never takes their advice on board.

My MIL lives abroad, we go and visit 2-3 times a year (for a total of around 3 weeks) and they come and visit us once a year for a few days. She’s lovely, good company and as far as I’m aware doesn’t repeatedly moan about me on online forums so I’m happy to spend time with her.

So she wasn't free to come and get you because she was working late? That seems reasonable. Was your son also working late?

I adore my MIL and FIL and we get on really well. Having said that, we also got married last year and money really is the route of so many issues with family...

My parents gave £5K (plus paid for my dress etc) and his parents gave the same amount, plus the dads/grooms suits and half our honeymoon, so both gave about the same and we covered the rest ourselves.

We only had 6 months to plan it and even less time to pay for it all (as payment is usually 6 weeks in advance) so it really was important to know ASAP how much we were getting to establish what we needed to contribute personally and if we had to get a loan etc (we didn’t). I didn’t mind how much anyone gave, it was just helpful to know ASAP to then establish what we would need to find ourselves. I would not have been offended if no one gave us anything! I think you DIL is unreasonable and slightly stupid to not confirm with you the amount before perhaps committing to something…

My DH had in his mind (as they could easily afford to!) that his parents would cover “the rest” of the costs, above what my parents contribution would cover. This issue stemmed from his dad saying that they would do that over a curry night together, to then have his mum saying to us both a month later that they’d ONLY get wedding cars and suits (but only both dads and the grooms, not the three groomsmen….and we didn’t have cars as it was all on one site) then it was changed to a lump sum and the suits…. Then it went back to just the suits…..in the end I offered to speak with ILs just to get a figure or “stuff” they were comfortable with, with no pressure from me for anything if that was how they felt. (They were uncomfortable paying anything for their “sons” wedding as they felt this fell on the brides family, but my dad when speaking to him pointed out his son had got the same as his daughters did for his wedding and my DH subtly passed this on which seemed to unlock things! I genuinely didn’t mind getting nothing, but my DH was quite hurt when they could afford to help and my dad had less and would give more if he could!) We were getting >4 months to the wedding with no real idea of what we had to find money for! In the end DH spoke with them and they kindly offered £5K plus suits and honeymoon. DH chose to say to them we’d accept what they were comfortable giving and may have made a comment FROM HIMSELF he’d hoped for more (as they have more) but that wasn’t from me and they know that.

Once we’d confirmed all this, his mum found our photographers wedding pamphlet in our kitchen and because it’s SO well priced, it had the package prices on the back of it - which was £2.4K for ALL day videography and photography. Having got so many quotes, this was a steal as many want that just for photos!! She then kept making comments about how she “didn’t see photography as a worthwhile investment” or having any value and it being a waste of money. My DH then admitted he saw her reading it and this was why. DH said they’d not want “their money” spent on certain things (like photography) but my parents had already given us their money and we’d paid most of the venue off and the big things (like florist and photographer) between that and our own money already….so I wasn’t going to lie and give them credit for paying for such a huge thing as the venue/food or any of the big stuff when their money largely went on the final touches which I really loved and they made the day special, but my MIL didn’t see value in. (We also booked a Photo Booth for £200 and she kept saying it was “for the kids” before the wedding….And my husband got our new name in big wooden letters for £150 for the entire day and she hated that too 😂

(I’ve been financially independent since aged 19 and I’m now a commercial lawyer on a good salary who is also financially very sensible and so while I don’t mind advice, I won’t be TOLD what to spend my money on for my own (very reasonably priced!) wedding…. My DH is also on a good salary, but has had a lot of “gifts” from them in his adult years and has advised these tend to come with strings.)

the point of all of the above is perhaps have a think of anything you may have said to your DS he will have repeated back? Men repeat EVERYTHING to their wives - I just know people are human and don’t hold a grudge, many do!

I think offering to meet for lunch is a lovely idea. You may never know exactly why she clearly feels less comfortable but as I said, it could be something your son repeated that you meant nothing by and she took offence to about the wedding or other OR it could be something similar to my story above where small comments are made without thinking. I know I’m quite laid back and forgiving, but many aren’t.

To me, 'I don't want to fall out with you' means 'I'm entitled to be angry with you but I'm choosing not to be'. I wouldn't think you meant 'I hope you're not angry with me'.

Unlikely, but maybe she took it like that and thinks you've got a bit of a nerve if it was clear you were in the wrong.

Hardly see my MIL, maybe a few times a year if we're lucky! But my husband takes our son to visit her but it's because he instigates. Sadly she doesn't bother with us much but it's very complicated (difficult childhood, mental and physical health issues).

Due to time constraints and working, my in-laws usually come here but i only remember one occasion when he went without me and that was to help his Dad when his Mum had an operation. I couldn't get the the time of work. I'm lucky i get on well with my in-laws but if she clearly doesn't like you why are you anxious for her to come? I understand you are worried about being kept from your future grandkids but surely if your son still visits alone he would bring them.

Insert DIL for MIL and that would be a more usual post 😂

Within a 'normal' family set up (whatever that is), if a DIL doesn't love her husband enough to understand he loves the person who nurtured him in the womb and gave birth to him; If the MIL doesn't love her son enough to accept he loves the woman he is with ... then both women are using him as the rope in a tug of love. Both need to give their head a wobble. Both need to understand it is not a competition. A mother's love is totally different to a wife's love, and the man-in-the-middle's love for each of them, is different.

Some DILs and MILs are just challenging insecure people, see it as a competition, and no amount of acceptance and 'trying' on the part of one will be accepted by the other.

I probably visited my late MIL on my own more than OH did, that was because of our work schedule when we were overseas.
If she is so unwelcoming then if/when there are children I do hope you will be unavailable when they need free childcare!

Are schools on holiday already?

This is a good point… you insist that she clearly doesn’t like you, so why are you keen to spend more time with her? Why would you want to spend time with someone who dislikes you? Are you hoping you can win her round?

I actually think DIL sounds very self absorbed and not a nice person.

My in laws are not perfect but I make the effort and they do with me.

Sorry you’re going through this OP and dance your son continues to visit, it does sound like it's very much her problem.
Ssme with her mentioning she doesn't like people in the house. Nobody likes cleaning before visitors but it's still self-absorbed to not be welcoming to family.

It sounds like she used you while she needed and has dropped you now she doesn't.

Op has said quite a few times that her son visits her and she would like to see her DIL more but people seem to be completely ignoring that just to fit her in to the bitter MIL box 🙄

My in-laws live in the next village - we don't formally visit them, but pop in all the time. I often go without my husband if they or we need something! However, my husband rarely visits my family with me - they live a couple of hours' drive away and he works shifts so if we go at a weekend he's very often working. He sees them maybe once a year, or less. It doesn't mean he hates them - it's just circumstance and nobody takes any offence.

She also says the DIL clearly hates her… so I can’t help wondering why she wants to see her more? Who wants to spend time with people who dislikes them?