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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family basically falling apart

159 replies

UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 05:52

Any advice would be appreciated here as I feel like my family is basically falling apart. I have two daughters, a 17yo and a 14yo. Their relationship is pretty much non-existent, for example at the dinner table they completely ignore each other. Every time I go out with my daughters, the 14yo would pick on the 17yo, scrutinizing everything she does and calls her sister weird and friendless and wouldn't stop side-eyeing her.

They go to the same school and the 17yo stays in the locker room with her best friend instead of sitting at tables with friends because her best friend wouldn't budge but this is another problem and the 17yo wants to change that. I know the 17yo could sit with people if she wanted to, so I am not worried about it.

When that happens, I would tell the 14yo to stop picking on her sister and look at her disapprovingly. I would defend the 17yo but the 14yo just wouldn't stop. The 14yo is also routinely rude to me and I have tried everything from screen time to turning off the wifi to taking away her pocket money but the 14yo would not change.

The 17yo has told me that once she has the means to she would cut off all contact with the 14yo. I understand where she is coming from and I just nodded but I did my best with the 14yo.

My relationship with the 17yo has gotten better recently but she can be cold towards me sometimes but is still polite. Their dad lives in another city but he is involved in our lives.

Sorry if I rambled a bit I am at a lost

OP posts:
Nothinglikeagoodbook · 23/06/2025 05:58

Your 14-y-o sounds horrible. When she is so unpleasant to her sister and you stop pocket money or wifi, what happens next? Does she behave better for a while?

GRex · 23/06/2025 05:58

I would tell the 14yo to stop picking on her sister and look at her disapprovingly
This is the problem. You are not effectively managing your DD's behaviour. You should have been teaching her why it matters to be kind and thoughtful, not just giving disapproving looks. Try "How to talk so teens will listen" and actively work on her behaviour.

For the 17yo, you know her behaviour is very unhealthy. The best years of her life will be slipping unnoticed through her fingers while she hides away. This needs sorting before she misses out on young adulthood. What are you doing about it while you have that last chance because she still lives with you? You're so very passive here; talk with her and help her with strategies.

CaptainFuture · 23/06/2025 06:00

What consequences are there other than a look? Is pocket money and WiFi back despite this behaviour?

Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:01

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 23/06/2025 05:58

Your 14-y-o sounds horrible. When she is so unpleasant to her sister and you stop pocket money or wifi, what happens next? Does she behave better for a while?

What happens next is she would go and turn the wifi back on, and she either ignore me or swears at me about the pocket money.

OP posts:
Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:04

GRex · 23/06/2025 05:58

I would tell the 14yo to stop picking on her sister and look at her disapprovingly
This is the problem. You are not effectively managing your DD's behaviour. You should have been teaching her why it matters to be kind and thoughtful, not just giving disapproving looks. Try "How to talk so teens will listen" and actively work on her behaviour.

For the 17yo, you know her behaviour is very unhealthy. The best years of her life will be slipping unnoticed through her fingers while she hides away. This needs sorting before she misses out on young adulthood. What are you doing about it while you have that last chance because she still lives with you? You're so very passive here; talk with her and help her with strategies.

I remind the 14yo how important being kind is all the time, but she never listens. I ask her to think about if someone treats her this way how would she feel etc. but she would just roll her eyes.

The 17yo has friends and she just didn't want to leave her then best friend alone, but I have chatted to her about it and she does want to go sit with her other friends and will do so when school resumes.

OP posts:
Sunshineandgrapefruit · 23/06/2025 06:05

Why aren't you parenting your 14 year old?

Poopeepoopee · 23/06/2025 06:07

I think you're supposed to change the wifi password rather than just turn it off because obviously anyone can turn it back on again.

I'd stick to one punishment at a time to be honest. Either the wifi or the pocket money.

Every time I go out with my daughters, the 14yo would pick on the 17yo, scrutinizing everything she does and calls her sister weird and friendless and wouldn't stop side-eyeing her.

Then stop going out with both of them and go out with them one at a time - and tell them why. Tell them it's to have quality time with each of them and for you to enjoy it without seeing the 14 year old get on the 17 year olds back all the time.

Where do you actually go when you go out with both of them? It should be a relatively easy thing to stop - and if no-one is enjoying those trips, then it's time to stop doing them..

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 23/06/2025 06:08

When she turns the WiFi back on what are the consequences? What are you doing when she ignores you or swears at you? Is that it then? She gets her own way and you back down? The 17 year old needs to see you have her back. The 14 year old needs to learn not to be horrible to respect you. Right now she doesn't because you're not following through.

Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:10

Poopeepoopee · 23/06/2025 06:07

I think you're supposed to change the wifi password rather than just turn it off because obviously anyone can turn it back on again.

I'd stick to one punishment at a time to be honest. Either the wifi or the pocket money.

Every time I go out with my daughters, the 14yo would pick on the 17yo, scrutinizing everything she does and calls her sister weird and friendless and wouldn't stop side-eyeing her.

Then stop going out with both of them and go out with them one at a time - and tell them why. Tell them it's to have quality time with each of them and for you to enjoy it without seeing the 14 year old get on the 17 year olds back all the time.

Where do you actually go when you go out with both of them? It should be a relatively easy thing to stop - and if no-one is enjoying those trips, then it's time to stop doing them..

We would go for lunch and during school holidays for a short trip. For short trips I cannot just leave one of them home, as their dad doesn't live with us at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:11

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 23/06/2025 06:08

When she turns the WiFi back on what are the consequences? What are you doing when she ignores you or swears at you? Is that it then? She gets her own way and you back down? The 17 year old needs to see you have her back. The 14 year old needs to learn not to be horrible to respect you. Right now she doesn't because you're not following through.

I would turn it back off and I usually tell her off and take away her pocket money.

OP posts:
Nothinglikeagoodbook · 23/06/2025 06:12

UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:01

What happens next is she would go and turn the wifi back on, and she either ignore me or swears at me about the pocket money.

Show quote history

Then the problem is not really the relationship between the sisters, but the fact that you have a badly behaved, out-of-control 14-year-old. She needs to understand that you are the one in charge and the one who pays for everything, so she has to follow your rules.

Change the wifi password and don’t tell her the new one. If she swears at you, she loses some of her next pocket money. Are there any other family members, e.g. grandparents, who will give you support? It must be very hard, but it sounds as if she is growing into a thoroughly unpleasant person. She needs to realise that actions have consequences and she can’t go through life treating people badly but expecting them to be nice to her.

DancefloorAcrobatics · 23/06/2025 06:19

Your 14 year old is an obnoxious teenager- she still needs parenting.

That includes teaching her that she can’t pick on people who are different from herself. People who have different values ... wear different clothes.... and so on.
Home in for both girls how important family is, try and find some common ground the girls have and nurture this as much as you can!
At their ages, they should gang up on you and have their own secrets!

We always had a rule there is a way one talks to their friends and a different way of talking at home.... that might be a good starting point.

Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:19

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 23/06/2025 06:12

Then the problem is not really the relationship between the sisters, but the fact that you have a badly behaved, out-of-control 14-year-old. She needs to understand that you are the one in charge and the one who pays for everything, so she has to follow your rules.

Change the wifi password and don’t tell her the new one. If she swears at you, she loses some of her next pocket money. Are there any other family members, e.g. grandparents, who will give you support? It must be very hard, but it sounds as if she is growing into a thoroughly unpleasant person. She needs to realise that actions have consequences and she can’t go through life treating people badly but expecting them to be nice to her.

Show quote history

I have heard from other parents I am friends with saying that the 14yo is mean. I always remind her that she has to follow my rules but she would just give me attitude. There aren't really other family members in our lives. And she does lose her next pocket money if she swears at me.

OP posts:
Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:21

DancefloorAcrobatics · 23/06/2025 06:19

Your 14 year old is an obnoxious teenager- she still needs parenting.

That includes teaching her that she can’t pick on people who are different from herself. People who have different values ... wear different clothes.... and so on.
Home in for both girls how important family is, try and find some common ground the girls have and nurture this as much as you can!
At their ages, they should gang up on you and have their own secrets!

We always had a rule there is a way one talks to their friends and a different way of talking at home.... that might be a good starting point.

I don't really understand what you mean by the rule. I do arrange trips and outings with the girls but every time it ends in the 14yo being unpleasant to her sister.

OP posts:
Mylah · 23/06/2025 06:24

UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:10

We would go for lunch and during school holidays for a short trip. For short trips I cannot just leave one of them home, as their dad doesn't live with us at the moment.

Show quote history

I'm sorry if I'm missing something here but why can't your 14 or 17 year old be left on their own?

MumChp · 23/06/2025 06:24

You need to step up, do some parenting and not excuse a 14 yo. I feel for your 17 yo and she might end up going no contact with both of you. I wouldn't blame her.

AlertCat · 23/06/2025 06:25

UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:10

We would go for lunch and during school holidays for a short trip. For short trips I cannot just leave one of them home, as their dad doesn't live with us at the moment.

Show quote history

They’re 14 and 17, why can’t one or both be home alone?

Wrt the 14yo, I would tell her that as long as she’s horrible she won’t get any nice things- no WiFi, no trips or new clothes, no treats. Access to the WiFi is contingent on her behaving in a civil manner.
Then I would follow through. Make it clear you love her but you won’t tolerate being sworn at and disrespected and you won’t tolerate her bullying her sister.

MumChp · 23/06/2025 06:26

UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:21

I don't really understand what you mean by the rule. I do arrange trips and outings with the girls but every time it ends in the 14yo being unpleasant to her sister.

Show quote history

Wouldn't it be nice for your 17 yo to go out with you without her sister and have a nice day?
Why keep them together?

Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:27

Mylah · 23/06/2025 06:24

I'm sorry if I'm missing something here but why can't your 14 or 17 year old be left on their own?

Show quote history

They are teenagers I cannot leave them home alone for like say a week.

OP posts:
MumChp · 23/06/2025 06:27

And my best advice. Get councelling so you understand your role in your family falling apart and what you can do not to let it happen.

arcticpandas · 23/06/2025 06:29

Time for tough love with the 14 y old. She gets away with treating her sister and her mum like crap so she has the same behaviour outside of the house. You need to set an example so that she understands that her behaviour is not allowed.
First warn her that things are about to change. Next time she's rude she won't have any pocket money. She continues: she's not coming out with you for lunch- make sure there are stuff for her to make a sandwich. She continues- change wificode and ignore her tantrum. You need to show who is the boss: for your sake, for DD1 but also for your 14 year old who is growing up to an antisocial young woman if you don't nip it in the bud.

TheBlueUser · 23/06/2025 06:29

Can one go and stay with their dad for a week? Or stay with a friend for a few days and then 1-2 days at home. Depends how much you trust the 14 year old.

It sounds like their relationship is broken beyond repair at the moment, so I would focus on salvaging your relationship with both of them which means having solo time with them.

Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:29

MumChp · 23/06/2025 06:26

Wouldn't it be nice for your 17 yo to go out with you without her sister and have a nice day?
Why keep them together?

Show quote history

It would and I have gone out for breakfast with the 17yo alone and whenever 14yo has camp or events I make sure to take my 17yo out. I don't really like leaving my 14yo home alone as she has a history of stealing from me and her sister when we are not home.

OP posts:
Original poster
UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:33

TheBlueUser · 23/06/2025 06:29

Can one go and stay with their dad for a week? Or stay with a friend for a few days and then 1-2 days at home. Depends how much you trust the 14 year old.

It sounds like their relationship is broken beyond repair at the moment, so I would focus on salvaging your relationship with both of them which means having solo time with them.

Edited

Their dad doesnt live in the same country so staying with him would be hard and staying with a friend is not possible at the moment.

My relationship with both of them is okay especially with the 17yo. I do spend time with dd1 in her room and chat away.

OP posts:
MumChp · 23/06/2025 06:34

UmberDeer · 23/06/2025 06:29

It would and I have gone out for breakfast with the 17yo alone and whenever 14yo has camp or events I make sure to take my 17yo out. I don't really like leaving my 14yo home alone as she has a history of stealing from me and her sister when we are not home.

Show quote history

So basically your family has fallen apart?