Family basically falling apart

[UmberDeer]

Any advice would be appreciated here as I feel like my family is basically falling apart. I have two daughters, a 17yo and a 14yo. Their relationship is pretty much non-existent, for example at the dinner table they completely ignore each other. Every time I go out with my daughters, the 14yo would pick on the 17yo, scrutinizing everything she does and calls her sister weird and friendless and wouldn't stop side-eyeing her.

They go to the same school and the 17yo stays in the locker room with her best friend instead of sitting at tables with friends because her best friend wouldn't budge but this is another problem and the 17yo wants to change that. I know the 17yo could sit with people if she wanted to, so I am not worried about it.

When that happens, I would tell the 14yo to stop picking on her sister and look at her disapprovingly. I would defend the 17yo but the 14yo just wouldn't stop. The 14yo is also routinely rude to me and I have tried everything from screen time to turning off the wifi to taking away her pocket money but the 14yo would not change.

The 17yo has told me that once she has the means to she would cut off all contact with the 14yo. I understand where she is coming from and I just nodded but I did my best with the 14yo.

My relationship with the 17yo has gotten better recently but she can be cold towards me sometimes but is still polite. Their dad lives in another city but he is involved in our lives.

Sorry if I rambled a bit I am at a lost

Something is going on with your 14yo.
Have you sat her down and ask her what’s going through her head? If she won’t talk ask her to write it down?
My mum use to sit on my bed for hours until I spoke to her. Proper teenager torture 😅

A 14 year old can very much be left alone. Similarly a 17 year old.

It would probably do your relationship with each of them good to have time spent alone with you too. If you have that basis of a good relationship where you like each other, their behaviour should improve.

I agree with pp that the 14 year old does not respect you as you don’t follow through enough. I see this with my kids and their Dad. They run rings around him as he makes threats, or tells them to do something, but does not follow through. You need to put in the hard tough work of going through the kick back and unpleasantness from the 14 year old but holding firm.

You are probably exhausted parenting alone. I really feel for you.

A two pronged approach of spending time alone with each of them, doing whatever they would like to, and holding firm on consequences will hopefully help.

I'm sorry, you can't leave your 14 yo home alone because otherwise she will steal from you and your eldest? How and why have you framed all this as a family problem, you have one problem and it's your younger dd.

Get locks on your and your 17 year old doors.

Nobody is asking you to leave them alone for a week but you don't have to take them both out together.

I bet half the people on here telling you what you should and shouldn’t be doing with teenagers haven’t even got teenagers! They probably think they are doing so well because their sweet little angels are in the top sets at primary school!

My sweet little, top setter became an obnoxious older daughter. She didn’t used to get on with the younger daughter ( 6 year gap). Older one is 25 now and they get on well and I never thought it would happen.

You obviously are trying your best because you are here, asking for help. Keep communicating. Keep providing moments for them to communicate. Eventually with that they start to lose some of the angst. Yes you need boundaries but also keep reminding them both that you love them.

So no vacations even in the long school holidays?

Why not over to dad in the school hols then?

Your 14 year old needs parenting, fast. She’s walking all over you and turning into a horrible person by the sounds of it.

But you said the trips were for lunch or short day trips. I leave my 9 year old at home for ten minutes; surely a 14 year old could be left while you go out for lunch with her sister?

I have two teens, 18 and 16 and neither of them have thrown the house into chaos by being a general shit, by being obnoxious to one another or stealing from, well anyone let alone from their family.

But then we cannot even go out for lunch as a family

@ThePhantomoftheEcobubbleOpera good for you give yourself a pat on the back for being so amazing!

What’s the situation with their dad OP? Could this be causing her some distress?
When did this behaviour start and has it been a change? What’s her situation like at school? Friends?

You’re not being hard enough on your 14 yo. You’re allowing her to be a bully! Why??
if she won’t behave better you should leave her out of things and enforce better boundaries. Take her phone etc. It’s not easy being the youngest but this is no way to behave.

I will, thanks 👍🏼

Maybe next time you assume that people are contributing outside of their experience based only on the fact that it doesn't match yours you could tone the passive aggressiveness down a bit?

Well you can, but it doesn’t seem to be working well. What people are suggesting - and I agree - is that until the 14 year old starts behaving better you have one-on-one time with each daughter rather than taking them both out and having a miserable time. The older one will enjoy spending time with you without being bullied by her sister and the younger one might actually open up to you about what is making her so unpleasant.

You aren’t parenting your 14 year old.

I feel very sorry for your older child.

Yes its extremely hard dealing with a recalcitrant teenager as a single parent. I do t know why people are being so sparky!

Dad works overseas and no distress here. This behaviour has gradually started from the time she was 11/12. She is popular at school but her friends change year to year.

Are you here for help, or did you just want a whinge?

Because if you want help then you'll have to listen to people. What you are doing is not enough, you are much too passive. You need to read the book I suggested and change how you are speaking with your DDs if you want the outcome to change.

Why would you want to go out for lunch as a family when you know your 17 year old is going to be treated so badly?

I have a similar dynamic with sibling and mother. Mother would vaguely tell sibling off but not want to upset her so would be woolly about it and expect me to put up with it. I have very little contact with either of them now and will never see sibling again once mother dies.

Is that the future you want?

Exactly!

Sisters don't get along but when they get older they might surprise you. Hiw were you about the sibling relationship in their early years, did you encourage them to love and tolerate each other then?

No, you can’t go out for lunch as a family.

And you can’t go on holiday without them going to their dads.

Your oldest hasn’t done anything, it’s your youngest who is pulling the family apart. What does she says when you talk to her about the way she behaves towards her sister?