DH takes the best of everything

[Floranan]

It really p me off, he always gets in first with food / drink takes the best for himself always. Buy doughnuts leave them on the side, he doesn’t think “ oh she loves the apple one or DGD loves the pink one so I’ll leave them and have the chocolate one” oh no if the apple of pink one looks best he takes it. I know that’s a silly example but you get the idea.

today I served dinner. On a Sunday we always eat as a family at the table and I put the food out in serving bowls. I think I should do a diagram people are going to ask for a diagram. Anyway I sit at the end so I can easily get things and DH one side and dd (adult) sits opposite. DH and DD are very close have the same interests and can talk for hours. I don’t normally mind but today I lost it.

I put the chicken in the middle of the table the potatoes my side of the meat the veg the other, forget the gravy go back to kitchen to get, via back door to let dog in. Get to table and they have served themselves. dd normal size meal fine, DH his plate is over flowing all the breast gone leaving just 1 drum stick and the wings and thighs, I only eat the breast or a little thigh I wouldn’t mind but it was 1.9 kg chicken !. DD passed me some thigh meat, I took some spuds and asked for veg, then asked again, then asked for wine they had wine where was mine. Normally I would make a fuss insist I’m passed stuff but today I just couldn’t be bothered, if they couldn’t see I didn’t have any dinner I just couldn’t be bothered. I cleared the plates away, realised the reason I hadn’t been offered veg was because the pig had but the most of it on his plate only to leave what would have been mine because he was full.

i left them to clear the kitchen (they always do if I cook) though I normally stay and help,

I just feel un important, not noticed, at one time he would have made sure I had the best he would see a lovely slice of meat and put it on my plate. When did that stop ? I missed it happening. I know now and for some time, I seem unimportant to him . I’m in bed with a glass of wine and some spicy tangy wotsits watching call the midwife.

Personality changes can be a sign of dementia - I remember one of our male relatives with early dementia snatching up the entire chicken and putting it on his plate while everyone looked on, salivating. He had a massive appetite and was incapable of sharing. It was a shocking early sign. From then on, I plated his food for him.

While the husband was being unreasonable, I think the OP needs to remember a couple of things:

a) men have vastly higher metabolisms and appetites. I sometimes think they can be like labradors. I have a male heavy family and we’re all very tall. Erm, I have to cook two chickens to feed everyone. Entire packets of ham will be wedged into bread and devoured as a snack. One young adult family member will cook and eat an entire 4 pack of quarter pounders in buns. He is very very slim. They just have an incredible appetite, especially for meat which is satiating. They can not be satisfied with an apple like women can.

b) men can’t read women’s minds and sometimes can’t tell when you’re in a huff. There needs to be communication. It might be that OPs ‘help yourself’ message was taken literally.

Dish yours up first and let them pick from what is left. He is greedy and selfish, so start playing him at his own game and get in first.

We share the breast too so everyone has some.

It's penis portions of course. If Smailand has DILs I'm sure they will be grateful for the extra iron and zinc in the scraps they get!

My MIL used to do this. Best and biggest portions for men then scrappy little bits for the women. DH and I used to level it out at the table until she eventually got the point.

Plate up your portion first and then leave it out on the table for everyone else to help themselves. If they question you then tell them exactly why you did it, that they take it all without leaving you any so you're often left hungry.

I agree with pp’s. You would be better off dividing the food onto plates beforehand. I tend to do this as our kitchen table is quite small anyway and there wouldn’t be room to set everything out. But I honestly wouldn’t put up with that sort of behaviour in general. I would definitely say something. He is not only selfish but he has absolutely no manners. My DP can be a bit lacking in thought sometimes, but he would never behave like that.

On a separate note, when did plate become a verb? It drives me insane🤣

Are you usually the sort of person to put yourself last? I ask because it isn't just your husband who was inconsiderate, it was also your daughter. Is this a common dynamic that you feel shelved/invisible to the two of them?

You say you “lost it” but what did you actually do, save for get the gravy and ask for wine? He’s behaving appallingly but I can’t understand why you’re so passive about it

I know you shouldn’t have to, (but unless you’re scared of him), you say things like the following:

• I’m letting the dog out, don’t take all the best bits while I’m gone
• I’ve bought doughnuts, they’re for EVERYONE so don’t take the best ones
• I’m plating the meal up tonight because none of you ever think of me
• stop being a selfish price

I would go on strike. Then act exactly how he acts, which he was be absolutely appalled at. Then it’s time to launch the ‘this is what it’s like’ line..:

Yep. All your fault, OP. You’re a woman-it’s your job to manage male behaviour.

You have to teach people how to treat you sometimes. This is one of those times.

It sounds like you're typically doing the bulk of the work when it comes to providing food, at least, so take advantage of that: take out the doughnut you want before you put the plate out, serve your dinner first then pass the plates. If he asks, say it's preemptive because his behavior has taught you that given the chance he'll take whatever he wants even to excess and shortchange you. You have plenty of examples already if he says he doesn't understand what you mean.

I suspect this will feel uncomfortable at first. It'll seem rude, pushy, uncooperative, selfish, etc. You'll possibly resent the fact that your husband (or family) are forcing you to be these things that feel fundamentally wrong to you and go against the grain and probably against your upbringing just to get a fair share of what you've provided for the household. Only you can decide if and when it's time for an ultimatum (stop being an arse) or a split-up. But in the meantime, get some veg and a nice doughnut!

Hes a selfish git. I’d have a conversation about it, but it would be along the lines of “this is unacceptable and so from now on I’m plating up in the kitchen as you can’t be trusted anymore”

Another tactic is to get your dh to do tasks like get the gravy or let the dog out while you serve yourself. Ensure that he never, ever gets to the food first, make a point in saying oi ladies & / or guests first.

You have an extremely self centred husband and the kids are taking their lead from him. HIs selfishness is likely so ingrained that it cannot be removed through "training". If it were less ingrained you may be able to reverse it a bit through being very assertive but it depends on many other things - how much he values the marriage generally, values you, etc. If he just doesn't, no amount of you being assertive will help. I can't assess that from the information you've provided - you've probably already tried being more assertive and it hasn't worked. He's a dreadful husband and example to your kids and up to you to leave him if you can't change him, which you probably can't.

Why don't you give him some stick. I'd have gone ballistic. There would be hell to pay. He wouldn't do it again after I finished with him. Invite me for dinner. I'll sort him out 😡

Yes he is selfish, he isn't going to change so id start taking things first.

If you only like one bit of the chicken then plate it up rather than putting on table

That's wierd! Do you do the same with xmas turkey??? Roast chicken breast gets sliced and divided equally between everyone *there's 5 of us!), then thigh etc are added as necessary.

OP, I wonder what kind of relationship you have that you didn't say anything at the time. I'm not a big one for arguments but at the very least in this scenario I'd have lightheartedly said "oy you've taken all the good bits, you cheeky bugger, give me some!" Wouldn't have been a big deal unless he turned round and refused which would definitely not happen on our house.

He knows he is doing this. He is deliberately choosing to take the things he knows you prefer. He has zero manners where this is concerned.
Sounds like he is trying to exert control.

Tell him it’s unacceptable; plate future meals; and if it doesn’t improve, stop cooking for him. Ditch the family dinner and let him get his own food.

Greed is a really unappealing quality, total turn off

Obviously this is a case of really bad manners. But it is very hard to correct bad manners when they are a deeply engrained habit in someone in later adulthood.

Because no one has clearly done this to him before now.

I vote YABU as you need to speak up for yourself.