Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH takes the best of everything

453 replies

Floranan · 22/06/2025 23:41

It really p me off, he always gets in first with food / drink takes the best for himself always. Buy doughnuts leave them on the side, he doesn’t think “ oh she loves the apple one or DGD loves the pink one so I’ll leave them and have the chocolate one” oh no if the apple of pink one looks best he takes it. I know that’s a silly example but you get the idea.

today I served dinner. On a Sunday we always eat as a family at the table and I put the food out in serving bowls. I think I should do a diagram people are going to ask for a diagram. Anyway I sit at the end so I can easily get things and DH one side and dd (adult) sits opposite. DH and DD are very close have the same interests and can talk for hours. I don’t normally mind but today I lost it.

I put the chicken in the middle of the table the potatoes my side of the meat the veg the other, forget the gravy go back to kitchen to get, via back door to let dog in. Get to table and they have served themselves. dd normal size meal fine, DH his plate is over flowing all the breast gone leaving just 1 drum stick and the wings and thighs, I only eat the breast or a little thigh I wouldn’t mind but it was 1.9 kg chicken !. DD passed me some thigh meat, I took some spuds and asked for veg, then asked again, then asked for wine they had wine where was mine. Normally I would make a fuss insist I’m passed stuff but today I just couldn’t be bothered, if they couldn’t see I didn’t have any dinner I just couldn’t be bothered. I cleared the plates away, realised the reason I hadn’t been offered veg was because the pig had but the most of it on his plate only to leave what would have been mine because he was full.

i left them to clear the kitchen (they always do if I cook) though I normally stay and help,

I just feel un important, not noticed, at one time he would have made sure I had the best he would see a lovely slice of meat and put it on my plate. When did that stop ? I missed it happening. I know now and for some time, I seem unimportant to him . I’m in bed with a glass of wine and some spicy tangy wotsits watching call the midwife.

OP posts:
Blobbitymacblob · 23/06/2025 08:20

Why is everyone saying that the op should have said something when she says that she normally does and it isn’t working.
Normally I would make a fuss insist I’m passed stuff but today I just couldn’t be bothered, if they couldn’t see I didn’t have any dinner I just couldn’t be bothered

Honestly op, this would break me. It’s not just about the greed and selfishness. Is leaving an option? Because being alone wouldn’t be any worse than feeling invisible in your own home. And it would break my heart to feel my dc were normalising this treatment of their mother.

If leaving feels too extreme, go on strike. Stop doing anything for them. Wash your own laundry. Don’t shop. Buy a microwave ready meal on the way home and cook it for yourself and sit at the table and eat it.

MumChp · 23/06/2025 08:21

Popsicle1981 · 23/06/2025 07:43

Personality changes can be a sign of dementia - I remember one of our male relatives with early dementia snatching up the entire chicken and putting it on his plate while everyone looked on, salivating. He had a massive appetite and was incapable of sharing. It was a shocking early sign. From then on, I plated his food for him.

While the husband was being unreasonable, I think the OP needs to remember a couple of things:

a) men have vastly higher metabolisms and appetites. I sometimes think they can be like labradors. I have a male heavy family and we’re all very tall. Erm, I have to cook two chickens to feed everyone. Entire packets of ham will be wedged into bread and devoured as a snack. One young adult family member will cook and eat an entire 4 pack of quarter pounders in buns. He is very very slim. They just have an incredible appetite, especially for meat which is satiating. They can not be satisfied with an apple like women can.

b) men can’t read women’s minds and sometimes can’t tell when you’re in a huff. There needs to be communication. It might be that OPs ‘help yourself’ message was taken literally.

Men can't read minds?

We agree they can behave themselves and show common sense, such as sharing a meal? Not just taking everything for granted?

What are we teaching our sons and daughters with that approach?

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 23/06/2025 08:22

I would LTB to be honest. Life's short and I would not want to be tied to a dick like this for the rest of my natural span.

Once seen, this sort of thing cannot be unseen.

dontcryformeargentina · 23/06/2025 08:23

How do women end up with a selfish men like that? What was the appeal in a first place, apart from him being a sperm donor?
OP, you don’t have to tolerate the bs - tell him that from now on the food will be equally divided and if he disagrees, he eats separately.

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/06/2025 08:25

They just have an incredible appetite, especially for meat which is satiating. They can not be satisfied with an apple like women can.

And presumably can’t do the very complicated maths involved in thinking this meal needs to feed X number of people, or the very challenging observation of seeing their partner doesn’t have food on their plate and there’s very little left in the serving dishes. Your standards for male behaviour is on the floor. Poor grown men can’t help themselves, bullshit.

ScribblingPixie · 23/06/2025 08:27

You're the cook so take control of the situation. Put the meat on plates in the kitchen first, put the veg in serving bowls. Be meticulously fair with the meat which includes giving yourself your favourite bits. "Because you tend to be greedy and disrespectful with food these days. It's upsetting," if he questions it.

pinkdelight · 23/06/2025 08:27

Vaxtable · 22/06/2025 23:49

From now on I would be plating meals, and he would not get the best of it. I would also be taking the donut or whatever I want first

This 1000%. And also going fucking ballistic and telling him he can cook his own.

nomas · 23/06/2025 08:28

Popsicle1981 · 23/06/2025 07:43

Personality changes can be a sign of dementia - I remember one of our male relatives with early dementia snatching up the entire chicken and putting it on his plate while everyone looked on, salivating. He had a massive appetite and was incapable of sharing. It was a shocking early sign. From then on, I plated his food for him.

While the husband was being unreasonable, I think the OP needs to remember a couple of things:

a) men have vastly higher metabolisms and appetites. I sometimes think they can be like labradors. I have a male heavy family and we’re all very tall. Erm, I have to cook two chickens to feed everyone. Entire packets of ham will be wedged into bread and devoured as a snack. One young adult family member will cook and eat an entire 4 pack of quarter pounders in buns. He is very very slim. They just have an incredible appetite, especially for meat which is satiating. They can not be satisfied with an apple like women can.

b) men can’t read women’s minds and sometimes can’t tell when you’re in a huff. There needs to be communication. It might be that OPs ‘help yourself’ message was taken literally.

What a load of crap. I wouldn't be satiated with an apple.

Stop justifying selfish behaviour by the DH. OP made plenty of food, the fucker just went for the bits that OP eats.

NamelessNancy · 23/06/2025 08:28

Jellycatspyjamas · 23/06/2025 08:25

They just have an incredible appetite, especially for meat which is satiating. They can not be satisfied with an apple like women can.

And presumably can’t do the very complicated maths involved in thinking this meal needs to feed X number of people, or the very challenging observation of seeing their partner doesn’t have food on their plate and there’s very little left in the serving dishes. Your standards for male behaviour is on the floor. Poor grown men can’t help themselves, bullshit.

Exactly. Also not entirely convinced that women are easily "satisfied with an apple" 🤣

bombastix · 23/06/2025 08:29

Agree with all the comments re plating if you are doing the cooking.

But does your husband do any cooking? I mean he lacks insight into how you have to feed everyone, which you have if you do it regularly.

Fecklessfrog · 23/06/2025 08:30

He's a selfish bastard and he always has been and his daughter has learnt the same behaviour from him.

You are right, you are invisible to him.

Sorry OP, its a shit dynamic to live with.

gsiftpoffu · 23/06/2025 08:32

I would plate up. They can then help themselves to leftovers afterwards .

SalfordQuays · 23/06/2025 08:33

Smailand · 23/06/2025 00:13

He sounds very greedy. But also you must have cooked a tiny amount of food if he managed to fit most of it onto a single plate. And it seems obvious that when serving a chicken only two people can have the breast!

@Smailand I’ve got a radical idea for you, that you may not have considered. Everyone can have some of the breast, and some of the non-breast meat. So the breast meat is sliced up and everyone has some of it. Then the brown meat is sliced up and everyone has some of that too. That is fairer than 2 people having an entire breast each.

godmum56 · 23/06/2025 08:35

thatsthatsaidthemayor · 23/06/2025 01:18

You can buy tour own donuts and plate your meal first. You can sit him down and explain you find his behaviour selfish in a gentle manner. If we’re talking about chicken and donuts. If it’s more than that you can explain that to him. Then if he doesn’t care you can LTB.

This

godmum56 · 23/06/2025 08:37

Popsicle1981 · 23/06/2025 07:43

Personality changes can be a sign of dementia - I remember one of our male relatives with early dementia snatching up the entire chicken and putting it on his plate while everyone looked on, salivating. He had a massive appetite and was incapable of sharing. It was a shocking early sign. From then on, I plated his food for him.

While the husband was being unreasonable, I think the OP needs to remember a couple of things:

a) men have vastly higher metabolisms and appetites. I sometimes think they can be like labradors. I have a male heavy family and we’re all very tall. Erm, I have to cook two chickens to feed everyone. Entire packets of ham will be wedged into bread and devoured as a snack. One young adult family member will cook and eat an entire 4 pack of quarter pounders in buns. He is very very slim. They just have an incredible appetite, especially for meat which is satiating. They can not be satisfied with an apple like women can.

b) men can’t read women’s minds and sometimes can’t tell when you’re in a huff. There needs to be communication. It might be that OPs ‘help yourself’ message was taken literally.

This is a joke right?

Barnbrack · 23/06/2025 08:39

Smailand · 23/06/2025 00:28

Never known anyone do that! You cut the breast off and two people get a breast, the third person has to have a leg. I always have the leg because it contains more iron and zinc. There are two 6ft plus, 17 stone men sitting at my table, I can’t see them eating less than one breast each.

Show quote history

Overfed men

neverbeenskiing · 23/06/2025 08:39

What a twat.

You say he wasn't always like this, which shows he's making a choice to be selfish. He's taking you for granted and that's not ok. I'd be willing to bet that if he's selfish with food he's selfish in other ways too. You need to have a conversation about it, simmering resentment won't lead to any change.

Oldglasses · 23/06/2025 08:40

Definitely plate up in the kitchen! DH alway dishes up the meat and asks what cut we want (when cooking for more than the two of us) - I usually do put veggies on the table though. You def need do just plate up yours at least before you all sit down - then everyone else can take what they want. And speak to your DH about him being selfish.

IsItSnowing · 23/06/2025 08:41

Your DH is definitely unreasonable but you need to speak up for yourself. If he's that oblivious then silently hoping he's going to change isn't going to work.

Also, I'd do what others have suggested. Plate the food in future so this can't happen. Buy all the same doughnuts so it doesn't matter which one he takes etc.

Always point out what you want, 'the pink one is for dgd so don't eat that', 'please leave chicken breast for me as I don't like the thigh' for example.

Very annoying to have to treat a grown man like a child to be honest. If he still continues to be a dick then I'd guess he's doing it on purpose and he has no respect for anyone else at all.

Oldglasses · 23/06/2025 08:41

PS: DH and DS are over 6ft so they do get a bigger portion, I am by far the smallest out of our family of 4 and eat the least but would still want to decide what part of the chicken/potatoes/veg I wanted.

PluckyBamboo · 23/06/2025 08:41

My DH was a bit like that when we first married 20+ years ago but i stamped it out pretty quick. I made a big thing about taking everything off my plate and redistributing it to the kids as he had given them such a tiny portion whilst piling his plate and made myself some cereal.

But, for my DH it was learned behaviour from his overbearing 'I'm the man of this house' Dad. It was how he was brought up and took some time to unpick but we got there in the end. I don't think it was gluttony just sub-conscious behaviour.

3luckystars · 23/06/2025 08:46

Smailand · 23/06/2025 00:28

Never known anyone do that! You cut the breast off and two people get a breast, the third person has to have a leg. I always have the leg because it contains more iron and zinc. There are two 6ft plus, 17 stone men sitting at my table, I can’t see them eating less than one breast each.

Show quote history

We only eat the breasts here and cut them up in slices. We don’t eat the rest of the chicken at all.

Regarding the op, I hope you have a word with that greedy man and he starts showing some respect for you.

throwawaynametoday · 23/06/2025 08:47

3luckystars · 23/06/2025 08:46

We only eat the breasts here and cut them up in slices. We don’t eat the rest of the chicken at all.

Regarding the op, I hope you have a word with that greedy man and he starts showing some respect for you.

Show quote history

Put your hard hard on, PP!

smettings · 23/06/2025 08:48

Surely the DD is complicit in this. Does she live with you or just visit? Seems you are part of the furniture now. Make yourself heard and if they laugh, dismiss your feelings or carry on as before then time to take drastic action.

QuickPeachPoet · 23/06/2025 08:50

I have never approved of plating up food, but in this case it sounds like you need to make an exception. What an incredibly selfish individual.