Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

[Ihatebeingme0]

I feel like I’m having a breakdown not knowing what I should be doing anymore 😥

I left ExH Xmas 2023 and really struggled through that first year as DS aged 12 was devastated
ExH completely cut up and didn’t hide the fact it was my choice to split

He was a good provider and good dad but lacked affection and emotion and has now self diagnosed himself with ASD which may be correct and explaining some of his behaviour but he was reliable and solid and never let us down so I did really try to keep the marriage going but I struggled to be intimate with him as the feeling just wasn’t there anymore and it all blew up

A year later I met my partner at a work Xmas function and fell head over heels - I have never felt like this is any other relationships ranging from 17-43 but he lives 2 hours away so have only been seeing him 2 nights a week at his place when ExH has DS ( in family home as ExH is flatsharing due to finances )

We won’t be able to live together for a long time as partner has 2 kids aged 9 and 11 who he has 50/50 custody of in that area and I’m feeling very lonely and sad that I’ve ruined DS life and started meeting ExH again over the last few weeks to see if we can rebuild anything

He would love to - DS would love us to but I’m struggling with feeling there is no passion or intimacy between us in comparison

i feel I’m destined to be unhappy either way so maybe better to at least make DS and ExH happy along the way?

No OP you need to break up with your partner and leave your ex to rebuild his life. Stay single and build your own life and coparent with your ex and model good relationships to your son. Your new partner isn’t the one for you as you are looking at another man. Ex isn’t the one for you because you don’t love him. You don’t need a relationship with a man.

Do you think you’re holding back with ExH because you’d like the relationship with your new partner to work?

if I was in your situation I would probably call time on the new relationship. Try going to therapy together & see if you can rebuild your marriage & your family.
I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world

Perhaps the new partner is not the one after all if it’s too difficult with distance and circumstances to make it work. It doesn’t mean that going back to ex H is necessarily the right thing either. Those aren’t your only two options. Can you take some time out of dating and amicably coparent your child without giving him false hope that you’re getting back together?

I love the new partner
Im just so lonely as can’t see him much as can’t let him come to my home as DS says he will leave to live with his dad if he ever comes here
DS hates me for ruining his dads life

So then I think if I can’t actually be with new partner properly what am I even doing all this for?

You didn't leave your marriage for the new partner though - you left because you were unhappy in your marriage. If you go back to your ex, you will be unhappy and resentful, it's a recipe for disaster.

The new relationship has too many obstacles and will probably fizzle out at some point anyway if you don't end it. You need to give yourself the chance to meet someone nearer who can actually be part of your life and be around for you.

Your choice isn't between these two men. You have a 3rd choice which is to be single and open to a new relationship.

Dont go back to your exH because you're lonely. Leave him alone. If you cant face intimacy with him it will lead to resentment and you'll just end up breaking his and your sons hearts again.

This. All the way.

I’d say 2 nights a weeks is ideal tbh. Why be in a rush to move in together? 2 nights a week is good for keeping things fresh in a relationship and don’t get sick of each other. I say enjoy the time you have together.

2 nights doesn’t feel enough when I’ve caused so much upset for it

No I didn’t leave my ExH for him but I likely would have gone back sooner if I hadn’t met new partner after seeing how much pain I’ve caused DS

Surely it’s not to do with how much upset it’s caused- shouldn’t it be more about whether 2 nights is enough for you? It sounds a bit like you’ve already made your mind up to get back with ex

Fgs you’re not in love with the ex, stop stringing him along. New partner sounds like he isn’t bothered about you. Having custody of kids doesn’t prevent people living together and getting married when they care about someone. He’s using that as an excuse to string you along.

We are from different areas / kids at different schools etc

Have you and ExH tried counselling? TBH I would try everything you can to make it work for the sake of your child. Maybe there is a chance you can all be happy? If he’s a good man and a good father then it sounds like there is something worth saving. Passion really isn’t the most important thing in life believe me.

I just want everyone to be happy

That’s not fair on the ex. OP doesn’t love him or find him attractive. He deserves better.

And people from different areas live together and get married all the time. If it’s serious one person relocates. Ignore it if you want, but he isn’t serious about you.

Neither of us can relocate for a while as we both have children settled in local schools
My DS would hate me even more if I tried to move him or if new man and his 2 kids moved in with us which is another hurdle

Are you the higher earner? Is that why ex is in a flatshare while you're in the family home despite you being the one to end the relationship?
Absolutely staggering selfish of you to string him along.

In 6 years time your son will be an adult. Now I know these days that doesn't mean he will move out... but at that stage, more or less, IF you had got back with your ex, it wouldn't really be a primarily parenting relationship any more. Then it is you and him as partners as you get older. I don't think that's what you want. You've already done the hard bit and escaped a passion-less relationship.

So I would stop rekindling anything with your ex.

I dont mean to string him along
I want to be in love with him and make him and DS happy

We earn around the same but he can’t do any school runs - we live very remotely due to his job so he wanted weekends

Also don't plan to move your new partner in or blend families. You can prioritise your son without getting back with your ex.

I am wondering if you would go off anyone after the thrill has worn off. You could find yourself in the same position time and time again, it does happen. Then end up with nothing.

What would you hope for your son in his marriage? I expect to be happy? You’re allowed to be too.

You won’t be happy if you go back, and children are not stupid, he’ll realise eventually. And you’ll be compounding it all.

You left because you were not happy and it wasn’t working. If you go back only you will still be unhappy and the marriage still won’t work

you did not leave for your new partner and ok it’s difficult at only 2 nights a week but that relationship still makes you happier than your marriage

I accept your ds finds it difficult, but he will also pick up that your are unhappy

I would continue as your are, accept it’s two nights a week and certainly I would t be going back to a very unhappy marriage

Will you actually be happy though (if you get back with ex)? You might not be AS lonely but the loneliness will creep back in eventually. It's why you left in the first place.

You’re stringing your ex along. This is a disaster waiting to happen. You need to be clear and honest with your ex and let him rebuild his life. This is helping no-one.