Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

[Ihatebeingme0]

I feel like I’m having a breakdown not knowing what I should be doing anymore 😥

I left ExH Xmas 2023 and really struggled through that first year as DS aged 12 was devastated
ExH completely cut up and didn’t hide the fact it was my choice to split

He was a good provider and good dad but lacked affection and emotion and has now self diagnosed himself with ASD which may be correct and explaining some of his behaviour but he was reliable and solid and never let us down so I did really try to keep the marriage going but I struggled to be intimate with him as the feeling just wasn’t there anymore and it all blew up

A year later I met my partner at a work Xmas function and fell head over heels - I have never felt like this is any other relationships ranging from 17-43 but he lives 2 hours away so have only been seeing him 2 nights a week at his place when ExH has DS ( in family home as ExH is flatsharing due to finances )

We won’t be able to live together for a long time as partner has 2 kids aged 9 and 11 who he has 50/50 custody of in that area and I’m feeling very lonely and sad that I’ve ruined DS life and started meeting ExH again over the last few weeks to see if we can rebuild anything

He would love to - DS would love us to but I’m struggling with feeling there is no passion or intimacy between us in comparison

i feel I’m destined to be unhappy either way so maybe better to at least make DS and ExH happy along the way?

Not sure why you’re getting a hard time. You did the right thing and left DH. Most men have an affair and then leave their wives, but when a woman leaves she is still expected to think of her ex.

Don’t rush into anything. Enjoy being single.

look plenty of children deal with 2 households and are just fine. Stop wallowinf about it all you did was end a relationship that was t working

I don't really understand why you couldn't keep dating your ex..

A year is too soon to be planning on moving in together anyway, and he doesn't need to meet your child for a long time yet.

I have only just moved in with my boyfriend and we have been dating for 4 years. Up until now, we had been living 2.5 hours drive away from one another.

Jesus Christ, it’s not a choice between one of the other. How about you choose yourself….

“But I love him…” - actually it’s more likely you’re afraid to be on your own. It’s a rebound, not to be taken seriously.

2 days a week is plenty, the other 5 you get to focus on you and your son by being a present mum.

I left my husband last year as he made me fucking miserable after 24 years together and it was disconcerting being alone. But, you adapt and get to focus on what you want.

I have a son the same age, I didn’t dangle the prospect of me and his father getting back together. I was adamant and I think it helped him to know there was no going back.

I also promised him that I would never inflict a “step dad” on him or allow a man to move in with us. Right now I’d rather set myself on fire than date but even if I do in the future, he won’t be involved in my children’s life.

OP, just own your decision. Let both men go and be there for your children. Take responsibility and stop saying you're trapped, you're not.

Is this the partner you fell pregnant to?

I think you need to be single, let your ex heal, let your son heal and work on building a happy life for yourself without 2 unsuitable men.

You aren't going to miraculously fall back in love with your ExH again just because the new relationship isn't going anywhere. How about just getting used to being a single mum and making the best life for your son before you start looking for a man again. You are really making this all about you and what you want. It is possible to survive for a while without a man.

I agree with this.

I think you will absolutely destroy your relationship with your son if you pursue this new relationship anyway. It’s not worth that.

You need to be happy on your own.

Having done this myself. You dont love new partner you love the feeling of being wanted and loved when your marriage was cold. Dont live with him why do you want his bad habbits etc. Twice a week is nice keeps the msyery. Dating is different to being married remember that. Id get rid of both and learn something new. Ive started doing small trips. After having a 2 year hell relationship after my separation from ex husband. Im healing now. Ive got lake garda booked soon and a trip to venice. Im also going skiing next week. Focus on yourself not men.

Option 3.

Going back to the Ex Husband when the underlying issues are still there is daft. The new bloke is clearly not right either.

Strikes me that you are more afraid of being on your own then anything, this is leading you into poor decisions.

You don’t have to choose between 2 men.

press pause. Stand on your own two feet. Live without a relationship and focus on your son. Enable him to maintain a good relationship with his dad.

let things settle and in a year or two have a think about what you want your relationship with your ex to be - stay separated but with a good amicable situation, or get back together (assuming he still feels the same at that point and hasn’t moved on). But don’t rush.

Please go for therapy, you sound very confused, and while you say you want to fix things and make everyone else happy that's actually not healthy. You can't turn the clock back, you can't undo your past actions.
You do need to understand your own motives, and explore why you felt lonely in a relationship, lonely when you are single, and why you feel its such an unbearable emotion.

I absolutely hate myself

Start by fixing yourself. Leave others out of the equation. Once you're secure in yourself and confident you can make good choices in life, everything else will fall into place.

Another poster made a good point. You were single for a year before meeting the new guy and were fine. Now, even though you're with the new guy, you're so lonely you're thinking of getting back into a relationship with your ex. Take this as a sign that the new guy and your relationship with him isn't actually any good for you.

Why? For putting yourself first for once and not being trapped in a relationship.

or something deeper

You’re not trapped! Just cry off men for a while and be single. You’ll find your way and be happier as a result. You just need to realise you do have choices and your happiness isn’t dependent on being with a man.

Sorry but I think if you have to choose, then it’s NEITHER. If you can’t decide then neither one are ‘the one’. You’re a bad person, you can’t be stringing people along and giving them false hope either. You obviously get a thrill over the fact that men want you but with that mentality you’re going to hurt people in the process. Maybe sit there and reflect the impact this has on others and not your own selfish needs

I also wondered if this was the same poster, in which case the information about the DD who had a difficult relationship with her dad is quite a vital piece of information that has been missed out.

Apologies if this was not you @Ihatebeingme0 but it sounds very familiar.

It was me
I didn’t want to seem too obvious again as I’m still a mess and it’s embarrassing

It really isn’t about men wanting me
Its about wanting everyone to be happy and not knowing if I can maintain it

This helps nobody, not even you and is another sure sign you need therapy. If you hate yourself for how you're behaving, you've got a conscience, you're not a dickhead, but you're behaving in a way that's harming yourself. You're not a horrible person you're just struggling to make good choices in life and you could use some help to work out why and what you can do to change, so you can be someone you like.

For one thing, take a look at why you married someone so cold and unaffectionate who doesn't fulfill your needs. That wasn't a good decision for you and ultimately hasn't been a good decision for him either.

His reaction to all this is interesting. He isn't asking himself WTF went wrong and how can he fix it. He hasn't googled how-can-i-be-more-affectionate and started putting it into practice to win you back by changing himself.

Instead he's googled why-am-i-not-affectionate, he's made this relationship breakdown all about him and understanding himself, not about you and your needs at all.

He's looked for an explanation that could excuse the way he is ("diagnosing" himself with ASD. Which you can't actually do, by the way. "Self-diagnosis" doesn't exist, it simply means "think I might have", his choice of words is to make it seem more important, more official, something you must pay attention to and make allowances for. It also excuses him from the effort of seeking an actual diagnosis, making it seem pointless since he's "self-diagnosed". ).

Has his realisation that he may be autistic also made him realise he could be unintentionally sabotaging his relationships with others? (His marriage breaking down without any third party involved would be a massive clue). Has it seen him signing up to attend therapy to learn more about himself and how to have better relationships with others? Or is the underlying message one of -
"hey I think I'm autistic, so we must assume that's true regardless of whether it is. It means you need to put up with any behaviour from me that you can't stand, no matter how much it destroys your own emotional health and mental wellbeing, because I can't help it".
Because that's a pretty toxic and selfish stance to take, to try to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do by using a health condition to play victim. It shows zero care and consideration for you and is just about him getting what he wants (you back with him and tolerating his behaviour as before).

Why do you think it's your job to "maintain everyone's happiness"? Another thing to explore in therapy. Because the fact is, it isn't your job. Other people's happiness is their own responsibility, not yours. Step back from trying to fix others emotional states for them.

You sound like you've got a "rescuer" trait going on. It sounds nice, but is actually unhealthy both for the rescuer and those they try to rescue. It can lead you into toxic or unhealthy situations in life, which you then try to solve, instead of extricating yourself from at the earliest possible chance.

If it wasn’t for your son would you still consider getting back with your ex?

Probably not as we don’t have similar interests or the same sense of humour and he isn’t affectionate by nature

The stability and practical stuff he provides are what I need because of the children not because of me if that makes any sense

Will you go for therapy?