Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

[Ihatebeingme0]

I feel like I’m having a breakdown not knowing what I should be doing anymore 😥

I left ExH Xmas 2023 and really struggled through that first year as DS aged 12 was devastated
ExH completely cut up and didn’t hide the fact it was my choice to split

He was a good provider and good dad but lacked affection and emotion and has now self diagnosed himself with ASD which may be correct and explaining some of his behaviour but he was reliable and solid and never let us down so I did really try to keep the marriage going but I struggled to be intimate with him as the feeling just wasn’t there anymore and it all blew up

A year later I met my partner at a work Xmas function and fell head over heels - I have never felt like this is any other relationships ranging from 17-43 but he lives 2 hours away so have only been seeing him 2 nights a week at his place when ExH has DS ( in family home as ExH is flatsharing due to finances )

We won’t be able to live together for a long time as partner has 2 kids aged 9 and 11 who he has 50/50 custody of in that area and I’m feeling very lonely and sad that I’ve ruined DS life and started meeting ExH again over the last few weeks to see if we can rebuild anything

He would love to - DS would love us to but I’m struggling with feeling there is no passion or intimacy between us in comparison

i feel I’m destined to be unhappy either way so maybe better to at least make DS and ExH happy along the way?

OP trying to force a dead relationship is NOT going to make your DS happy in the long term. It will confuse him and model a terrible example.

your marriage is dead. Trying to tolerate it to make others happy WILL FAIL. And the fall out will be worse as everyone is going to feel that you should just keep trying. You would be giving false hope

yes DS is upset but this is not going to be solved by sacrificing yourself at the alter of misery and despair. You will become increasingly resentful and probably find your ex repulsive sexually.

is there any chance your DS may also be asd? Only asking as it may be extra difficult for him to navigate the change in set up. Chopping and changing would make it worse

Then you need to stop it.

your son and your ex have hope and hope in the worst. You need to be clear and start the process of divorce

Your son doesn't understand what kind of monkeys curse his wish would be. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand what the effect of forcing his incompatible parents together would mean, especially to you. Maybe this is a time in his life when he can start to think about that sort of thing. Start very simply discussing his boundaries and feelings and how they can change using examples for his life. Explain how that is the same for you

You also could do with a bit of a think.
You seem to be saying, "I want something I have thought about a lot, planned for, actioned and rearranged mine and my families lives for, something which took a great deal of time, effort and undoubtedly anxiety over..not to be real?"

You are just in the "buyers regret" period. It will fade. You know it will. If you go back you are just going to have to go through all that again. But worse because people wont believe you mean it next time and you will have thrown away a relationship you don't know how will turn out so that you can do it.

If you are lonely make more of friends / relatives, anybody, just stay away from the martyr bonfire, that will not help.

This is very true
The line where you’ve said “ thrown away a relationship you don’t know how it could have turned out “ is also precisely why I keep thinking I’m best with what I know as I am quite sure ExH would never ever leave me or upset the family by a split

I know this is the wrong reason for staying

I need help and I will find it x

Gently OP, I do remember your earlier threads and how your new partner reacted to your pregnancy (so sorry about that, hope you’re healing). He doesn’t sound like a good man.

I agree with previous posters that now is the time to leave all men alone for a bit and concentrate on being the best parents you can to your children, separately. And take the time to work on you and the issues you have been facing. Make peace with yourself before you try and meet somebody.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, everyone will be fine, but you also need to make sure that YOU will be ok, and I think you can only do that by making peace with being single for a good while and learning to know your worth.

You can’t get back into a miserable relationship simply to appease your son. Honestly i think your son is pushing his luck trying to pressure you. Put a stop to that. He doesn’t need you two to be together to have a relationship with his dad.

Thank you
I’m just trying to do the right thing for everyone so much that I honestly don’t even know what I want anymore

That is what you need to decide and stick with it the right decision for you.

The thing is with parents relationships staying/leaving/getting back together all carry risks and all can have in different ways negative and positive impacts on the children.

what is needed is a clear decision - no uncertainty and no hope and one which is taken in the knowledge it is the right thing to do for YOU

I don’t know how people make these decisions

@Ihatebeingme0 so you’ve only been with your new partner 6 months?

Honestly - You sound like you need to be single, and work on building yourself a life. Don't go back to your ex, thats a terrible idea - you've told us why he is an ex - and whilst your kid may want his parents together, it would devolve into a toxic mess that would damage all 3 of you.

New partner is a non starter - you both have responsebilities(sp?) that are never going to align.

Take some time, build yourself a life of friends and independance and co-parenting in a healthy way tih your ex!

If you go back to your ex it will fall apart again.

op you need counselling- you CANNOT make everyone happy and it is not your job to make your ex happy. Do him a favour and stop it now.

if you can’t deal with the time apart from your bf then you need to finish that too.

I will don my hard hat here and ask if you have considered living with your ex on a co-parenting basis, as friends, so that a romantic relationship is off the table? You can both be free to see others. That would seem to be a reasonable solution to the situation. It’s unusual but I think it can work for some.

I would also say listen to your son, for the sake of your future relationship. He may not be putting it in palatable or adult terms, but there is a message there about what is important to him. He needs to feel that you hear him and continue to hear him.

Finally, what about the amount of time and life-energy that you are spending on all this relationship turmoil! Your ex, your new man…what about other things in life? Friends, work, hobbies, study, projects…Whereas you seem to be completely consumed by your romantic life. Perhaps being single for a while and focusing on being a mother, friend, family member, employee and first and foremost a person would be beneficial too.