Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

[Ihatebeingme0]

I feel like I’m having a breakdown not knowing what I should be doing anymore 😥

I left ExH Xmas 2023 and really struggled through that first year as DS aged 12 was devastated
ExH completely cut up and didn’t hide the fact it was my choice to split

He was a good provider and good dad but lacked affection and emotion and has now self diagnosed himself with ASD which may be correct and explaining some of his behaviour but he was reliable and solid and never let us down so I did really try to keep the marriage going but I struggled to be intimate with him as the feeling just wasn’t there anymore and it all blew up

A year later I met my partner at a work Xmas function and fell head over heels - I have never felt like this is any other relationships ranging from 17-43 but he lives 2 hours away so have only been seeing him 2 nights a week at his place when ExH has DS ( in family home as ExH is flatsharing due to finances )

We won’t be able to live together for a long time as partner has 2 kids aged 9 and 11 who he has 50/50 custody of in that area and I’m feeling very lonely and sad that I’ve ruined DS life and started meeting ExH again over the last few weeks to see if we can rebuild anything

He would love to - DS would love us to but I’m struggling with feeling there is no passion or intimacy between us in comparison

i feel I’m destined to be unhappy either way so maybe better to at least make DS and ExH happy along the way?

Stop stringing your ex along you know he has feelings for you and your trying to play on both so wrong

It doesn’t read to me like you’re stuck between two men.

You’re no longer in love with your ex-husband. That’s fine. It happens. You had a right to leave and he and your child will need to deal with that.

It would be cruel to go back to him if you do not love him. In the long run it’s highly likely to harm your child, him and you. It also renders the heartache already encountered as pointless. You need to stop stringing him along so he can recover from it and get on with his life.

With regards to your new partner, that’s all up to you. But you are not stuck between two
men.

Loneliness is not a good enough reason to get back with your husband, even if he wanted you - he may never trust you again.
Loneliness is not a reason to stay with the new boyfriend.
nor is it a reason to upset your sons life again when it doesn't work out again.

You and your ex have a fundamental difference of opinion. He wants a sex life with his partner, you don't want to have sex with him. It's not really something that's possible for either of you to compromise on. You're not going to be happy sleeping with him even occasionally. He's not going to be happy having sex with someone who doesn't really want to have sex with him. It'll be soul destroying for both of you. You've tried ignoring how you feel and as you've discovered, that doesn't work. If he ignores how he feels and enters a sexless relationship with you, he's going to be the resentful one. You're not exactly going to be happy in that scenario either because you do want a sex life, just not with him. So none of the options work.

Set your ex free. What you're doing is cruel. You're using him to cushion the breakup that you know is coming with your new partner. It's not fair. Your ex is a human being, not your security blanket against loneliness. Have relationship counselling with your ex so you can both come to terms with the fact he can't meet your needs and the relationship isn't ever going to work. Then you can go forward as friends or at least as co-parents with civility between you. If you carry on as you are you're going to end up hating each other.

Your son will hopefully understand better as he gets older. All he's seeing right now is his mum leaving his dad for "no reason" because he can't see past you as his parents, he's not seeing the relationship between you as two adults. He's not thinking of you two having sex. He's got no idea how it utterly shit it feels to be a woman having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with and how it destroys your sense of self and your self esteem. You're literally disrespecting yourself by making yourself do it. You just can't have a healthy romantic/sexual relationship with someone who you don't want to have sex with. Hopefully your son will come to understand that when he's an adult.

Yeah but you are not in love with him, so you are stringing him along, because of what you ‘want’ which is selfish and not helping anyone in the long run.

Want it by all means, but stop trying to act on it and accept you can't have it. It isn't within your power to make everyone happy. You'd be putting yourself at the bottom of the priority list, sacrificing yourself to try to make your ex and your son happy. How happy are they really going to be when you're thoroughly miserable and sink into depression caused by an unhappy marriage that you're determined to stay in until one of you dies? Or if you meet someone you do feel passionate about and you end up cheating? Or leaving a second time?

Going back to your Ex would be a big mistake and you know it, Your son and Ex would not be happier with if you pretend and you would be pretending.

I think the new partner is stringing you along. Passion is all very well but it usually means you're not sure of the person and you have wonderful highs and awful lows. After a certain point, you want certainty and stability. I would think long and hard about whether you can rekindle your marriage. Surely it would be worth trying some counselling if there is any chance of saving the marriage.

You're holding on to your ex as a backup because things aren't working out like you want with the long distance part time boyfriend of a few months, he's got his kids 50/50 and you won't be able to build a life with him. You've got all that new relationship energy and it seems like you want to rush things with new bf but you can't because of your life situations.

It's time for a reality check. Get your shit together. Get therapy. Going back to your backup when you aren't feeling it won't work, you'll just cause even more misery. Let the ex-husband go so maybe he can find someone who will love him instead of him being your life raft.

I have woken up shaking
I feel such guilt towards DS and ExH
I just want to be able to fix it all

You clearly don't love new guy or you wouldn't even be considering leaving him. You clearly don't love your ex. Don't get back with him because you're lonely. I agree split from both and work on yourself l. Learn to not be lonely and then go and meet someone else when you're emotionally ready. It's not fair on them otherwise and also you should be with someone because you want to be not because you need to be.

Aside from the damage you will cause from yo yo-ing,.l you need to really truly get that you don't need a man.

You were single for a year. Now there is a new man and you feel lonely?

You're having a wobble, I get it, but you need to look at life without men. Your boyfriend is an optional extra. If being with him has woken up a neediness that sees you moving backwards in life, sever the cord.

You started all this because it was worth it. See it through.

Agree with previous comments that you need to go for the 3rd option of being single.

Getting back with your ex isn't going to benefit anyone in the long term. You say you just want to make them happy but that means sacrificing your own happiness. Your son is a child and doesn't understand adult relationships and should not be dictating that you get back together. At the age of 12 they aren't always going to be around and will be out with friends.

The new relationship probably isn't going to go anywhere. You have both said neither of you can move and only seeing him 2 nights a week makes you lonely and it's then you start spending time with your ex to compensate.

Have a break from dating. Find company in friends. Get a hobby.

You left because you were not happy and it wasn’t working. If you go back only you will still be unhappy and the marriage still won’t work
you did not leave for your new partner and ok it’s difficult at only 2 nights a week but that relationship still makes you happier than your marriage

You can’t fix it so that everyone is happy.

If you honestly want to rekindle your marriage you need to put some honest work into it - which means exploring what was missing and why, and what might be different going forward. If there’s still love there, and you can rekindle some passion with him it may work out but it needs to be a determined, active decision on both parts to do the work. If loneliness is the issue though there’s nothing more lonely than a bad marriage.

The new partner - who knows if it will work out, I wouldn’t be too quick to to move in with someone anyway where kids are involved - you must have known it’s not as straightforward when kids are in the mix. Being lonely is hard, but it’s not the worst thing in the world and there are other ways to build a life than moving on to a new partner.

One of the first things you need to do is accept and understand that you cannot fix everything for everyone. You also have to think of you own happiness - You cant keep everyone and yourself happy!!

It's easy for the new partner to seem like the love of your life when you're only seeing them 2 nights a week. You barely have any idea what they're actually like. They could be very different to actually live with and be with properly.

Perhaps suggest your ex take you out on dates to see if anything could be rekindled. You said it was the lack of affection and intimacy etc. Tell him that. Leave ball in his court.

Reliable is very, very hard to find.

Be by yourself. Anyone that loves you would wait. Put your son and you first.

Have you posted this before OP? I'm not post hunting or anything but it sounds extremely similar to a post a few months back. The self diagnosed ExH, the son who dotes on the dad and constantly pushing for a reconciliation, even the details about being lonely because the new partner is miles away and housing situation, expect its missing critical information about a DD who is ND and relieved dad is no longer in the home because he was often quite cold to her.

If it is you then the advice still stands, your DS's and Ex's feelings doesn't trump pushing everyone getting back into a very unhappy situation, your ExH hasn't changed and a self diagnosis won't make any difference expect provide an excuse for his behaviour. Has he actually done anything to prove that things might be different this time around or is he simply just banking on your DS and the "ASD" diagnosis to change your mind? You don't love this man or want to be with him.

If it's not you then the advice above still stands and neither of these men are the right situation for you. Take sometime out from dating, you are obviously not ready for the dating world yet, and perhaps get some counselling for you and your DS. You can't pin your life on a coin toss of what would make your DS happier. Us as parents have to make difficult decisions at times, our children don't always like it but they aren't the ones in control of big life choices. If anything it is unfair to both of you that DS is your only reason to go back to this misery.

You need therapy OP.

I suspect you have since 17 pretty much be in a relationship and you don’t know how to be alone

then you need to work on understanding you can’t make everyone happy and going back to your ex isn’t going to do so either

yiu are trapped in a trap of your own making. Lose the partner and set clear boundaries with your son and ex and work on yourself

putting yourself first and not being trapped in a marriage should make you feel guilty

Ultimately while you say your ex husband was a good dad you also say he lacked emotion and affection. Those things are pretty important in a parent for a child as well as in a partner.

If you’ve spent years building up resentment about how your ex husband behaved towards you in terms of lacking affection but had limited attempts at talking with him about what you needed, didn’t do any kind of counselling and split up without really exploring any ways to fix it then maybe there could be something salvageable in your relationship. In that case it’s going to take a lot of work and you both being honest about what isn’t working and if there is a possibility to change that.

If you’ve tried all those things before and ultimately you are just incompatible at a fairly fundamental level as he can’t/won’t give you something you need then there seems to be no point trying again.

I don’t think you can go back to try and keep your son happy. I also don’t think it would work even if you tried it.

You need to work out what you want.
I understand you must feel guilty splitting up with your ex but you did it for a reason and that likely hasn’t changed. You can’t force yourself to love and want to be intimate with your ex.
If you are only going back as they want you to then it feels like it would be difficult to make it work.
I completely understand re your relationship with the new man. I’m in a similar situation & feel lonely at times. But I know it would be the same with anyone I dated as I have limited time around my own DC & work. I don’t want to move anyone in and disrupt my DC’s lives (I know many people do & I don’t judge that but I know it’s not what I want for my life).
I know it feels selfish but work out what you want then find ways to make others & you happier with this situation.
Your ex needs to move on & stop blaming you.

End things with your new partner
Do not get back with ex

You don't love your ex... getting back with him would be for the wrong reasons (your son) won't make you happy and would actually be cruel to your ex as you dont love him or really want to be with him

Focus on having a positive co parenting relationship and spending some time on your own. You son will get used to you and his dad not being together.

Going back to exh is not good for your child (or either of you) if you arent in love with each other and treat each other well.

2 nights a week should be enough with new guy. I would make it work until the kids are older if I loved him (or it was heading that way). No situation is perfect but with new partner it is working towards a lovely life together just need to be patient while you both prioritise your children.

Am I right in thinking you’ve been with new partner since Xmas 2024? 6 months? Still very early days if that’s the case

Dump them both, get therapy. Learn how to accept you can't make everyone happy.

Your son will probably come around. Maybe get him therapy too.