Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

[Ihatebeingme0]

I feel like I’m having a breakdown not knowing what I should be doing anymore 😥

I left ExH Xmas 2023 and really struggled through that first year as DS aged 12 was devastated
ExH completely cut up and didn’t hide the fact it was my choice to split

He was a good provider and good dad but lacked affection and emotion and has now self diagnosed himself with ASD which may be correct and explaining some of his behaviour but he was reliable and solid and never let us down so I did really try to keep the marriage going but I struggled to be intimate with him as the feeling just wasn’t there anymore and it all blew up

A year later I met my partner at a work Xmas function and fell head over heels - I have never felt like this is any other relationships ranging from 17-43 but he lives 2 hours away so have only been seeing him 2 nights a week at his place when ExH has DS ( in family home as ExH is flatsharing due to finances )

We won’t be able to live together for a long time as partner has 2 kids aged 9 and 11 who he has 50/50 custody of in that area and I’m feeling very lonely and sad that I’ve ruined DS life and started meeting ExH again over the last few weeks to see if we can rebuild anything

He would love to - DS would love us to but I’m struggling with feeling there is no passion or intimacy between us in comparison

i feel I’m destined to be unhappy either way so maybe better to at least make DS and ExH happy along the way?

You’re not trapped. You have choices - many of them.

End both relationships (you’re stringing Ex along, which will hurt him more in the long run, and clearly aren’t happy with new partner if you’d consider getting back with ex) and get therapy.

DS will be best off with happy parents, that doesn’t necessarily mean ‘together’ parents.

You do not love any of the two. How can you not see this? None of them is your guy. Just stop messing up with your child's father and your son's feelings with this pick me dance.

Maybe it’s time to book a GP appointment to discuss your mental health? It’s been 18 months, your reaction at this point could be a sign of depression, or maybe anxiety. You aren’t trapped in anything, the break up was a while ago. Neither relationship makes sense at the minute, just focus on yourself

Why are you lonely? Do you have friends outside relationships? I think 2 nights a week is fine if you really like the chap and 2 nights with someone you click with is better than 7 nights with someone you don't.

I think the issue is really guilt you feel and suggest you get counseling for that. Also look to build friendships to address the loneliness. Is it difficult because you are remote?

You need to learn how to be single. Some time on your own will allow you to focus on supporting your child to come to terms with the break up of your marriage and on building a good co-parenting relationship with your ex. At the moment you are playing with everyone's emotions as you assume responsibility for trying to fix them, it's essentially self sabotaging for you and cruel to your ex. He will not move on if you give him hope. I sincerely hope your child knows nothing of your dilemma or that would be cruel too given how much he is struggling.

You are not trapped, you are refusing to make a decision and stick to it. For some reason you think everyone else's happiness depends on you. Have you considered you are not that powerful? If you work on finding contentment for yourself you will cause less angst for the people around you.

Everything you have written suggests you are very co-dependent. I'd look into CODA.

codauk.org/

Always hated the “you deserve to be happy” line. The only people who deserve to be happy are kids. As adults we all want to be happy but there are more complex dynamics in play especially when children are involved. “I deserve to be happy” is unfortunately overused as a catch all excuse to break up an otherwise happy home. As an adult you have to weigh up pros and cons of any decision and the impacts on all those affected and then make a difficult choice.

OP you are most definitely currently not happy. But you’ve made your decision and now you need to learn to live with it. Most especially you need to learn to be comfortable on your own and learn how to live outside a relationship. You also need to help your son accept the new reality and rebuild your relationship with him. Drop the new man, set boundaries with your ex, and focus on you and your son.

Has anything changed about your ex husband since you split with him? Does he know/acknowledge what the problem (from your pov) was? Is he willing/able to work on changing those things?
Are there things about you that he would like to change?
Does he miss you or being in the family home/with son?
Have you had a serious discussion about any of this?
If not a reconciliation is a non starter.

Let your son live with his dad and you move in with new man and his children

But you can’t OP. So are you going to prioritise your son for right now or yourself.

You sound very needy. If two nights isn’t enough then it sounds like you have just jumped from a non affection relationship into another to fill a hole.

You are speaking to your ex because he is local and around all the time.

It always really saddens me when women think they need a man to be happy. Your relationship isn’t your priority but you are making it that and hurting people in the process.

Time to be single, learn to be independent, work on repairing the relationship with your son and stop prioritising another relationship.

Get yourself some individual counselling. Your thinking here is really out of kilter, and a good counsellor might help you see how erratic your decision making is here. And your poor ex deserves better than a wife who isn’t in love with him!

@Ihatebeingme0 I think you would really benefit from therapy to explore all of this.

Why are you thinking about living with someone who you have only met 6 months ago when you both have children and you’ve hardly seen him due to distance?

@Ihatebeingme0you are 6 months into a new relationship and having thoughts about moving in together and blending families? Waaay too fast. Feeling lonely because you can only spend 2 nights a week with him, so much so that you are thinking of going back to your ex? After 6 months? You are really not in a good place.

As a PP noted, have you ever been single for a period of time? How were you feeling about the split before you met the new man?

You are creating a recipie for more pain for everyone

I think you need to slow down here. Your exH clearly is a good man in some respects but it sounds like both physical and emotional intimacy was missing for you. He has self diagnosed with ASD which may or may not be correct. I think the new man no doubt is exciting and seeing him only 2 days a week for 6 months means it holds all the promise of something wonderful. But the reality is, you are not long out of your marriage and I think it takes a fair bit of time to emotionally unpack all that. It may be you are getting something from your new man right now that you were craving but it doesn’t mean it will necessarily work out in the long term due to practical and valid obstacles. If you feel there is no chance of your relationship with your exH being something that you actually want, rather then something you do out of guilt, then I think you should be clear to your ex about that. You need to focus on building something stable for your son and a solid co parenting relationship with your exH. To be honest it sounds like the new relationship is just creating pressure for you as you feel that whatever comes next has to be amazing to justify leaving your ex. But I don’t think life works like that. You understandably sound a little fragile and I think you need to work on yourself maybe with therapy to better understand your choices and how you will move forward. Best wishes x

Your son is not going to forget all that has happened & going back will not “fix” any feelings he has about what has happened.

Split up from your partner, it’s obviously not the relationship for you. Spend time with your son, work through his feelings about the separation & build the relationship with him. He’s young, he isn’t happy about the split but when he’s older he’ll look back with a bit more understanding hopefully.

If you go back & it blows up again I’m not sure your relationship with your son would come out without irreparable damage.

Focus on him, if you’re lonely look to fill that gap with relationships - it doesn’t have to be romantic.

The newness and passion probably won't last with the new partner and DS is never going to accept him or probably any other man. Your DH is nice dependable, loves you and your DS, there are many much worse reasons to be with someone. I agree with marriage counselling see if you can get the spark back into your marriage. The relationship with the new partner seems doomed, too many children involved, too far apart and why is he separated? Is he a nice, dependable man or did he dump his wife and kids? You are looking for some ideal, a cross between your, in many ways, great Husband and the passion of a new love but also someone your DS will approve of. Two out of three's not bad.

OP, this is your third thread on this at least..you need to just make your mind up

He's being a responsible father. What is he supposed to do? Up sticks to move 2 hrs away, when his partner can't even have him in her house? He is not making excuses, he is putting his children first. Good for him, he's hardly stringing her along.

Stop stringing ex along.

Either except you can only see partner a couple nights a week or finish that too.

@Ihatebeingme0 I have been in a similar situation to you. Broke up with my exDH 18 months ago - there was no affection, intimacy, he used to get angry a lot - he's also now self diagnosed on the autistic spectrum. I couldn't live like that any more, I felt like I was slowly dying, so instigated a separation. My dc were upset, so was my exDH.

I then met a guy who seemed to offer everything I'd been missing in the marriage - love, care, fun, intimacy etc. I was blown away as it had been so long since I'd felt desired or cared for. We weren't in a relationship, just dating, but slowly I realised that there were other issues with the new guy (he lives a long way away, different lifestyles etc) which meant that it wasn't perfect.

I felt so guilty about breaking up the family and a few times almost went back to my ex, but luckily talked myself out of it. Even though I felt like I loved the new guy, I also felt like I still loved my ex in a way, and I so missed the family all being together.

I stopped dating the new guy (we are still in touch as friends) as I realised I just needed time on my own. I needed to grieve the end of my marriage properly, and start to rebuild myself and my new life with the dc. I started therapy which has been really helpful.

I now realise that I don't want to get back with my ex at all - we are now too incompatible. It's sad for the dc, but I keep reminding myself that families come in all shapes and sizes, and actually they are now spending more quality time with their dad than they used to when he and I were married.

I'm actually starting to enjoy being on my own, whereas for over a year I was feeling so lonely, desperate for love, and thinking that my only options were to get back with my ex or stay with the new guy. I think the ending of a marriage especially with children is such a huge thing, it really does take time to grieve and come to terms with everything.

I found it helpful to realise that I could give myself time to see how things pan out and not rush decisions - your priority now is looking after yourself and your dc, and taking things one step at a time.

My partner and I have been together a decade and still do not live together. We see each other 3 nights a week but for the first few years it was 2 nights a week with no children around. Our children are in separate schools etc. There is no need to live together.

Get your son some counselling, stop stringing your ex along, and find ways to fill your time.

You say you left - but it sounds like he had to move out of his home & is now renting a flat. If you wanted out then why didn’t you move out? Sorry to sound harsh but it sounds like he got the worst deal out of the separation. DS is probably gutted he can’t see his Dad every day.

He didn’t want to stay in the home
I did offer this but he said it was too painful

i feel awful for what I’ve done

DS deserves his dad every day you’re right

Why do you have to have either?