Trapped between 2 men and can’t see a way out

[Ihatebeingme0]

I feel like I’m having a breakdown not knowing what I should be doing anymore 😥

I left ExH Xmas 2023 and really struggled through that first year as DS aged 12 was devastated
ExH completely cut up and didn’t hide the fact it was my choice to split

He was a good provider and good dad but lacked affection and emotion and has now self diagnosed himself with ASD which may be correct and explaining some of his behaviour but he was reliable and solid and never let us down so I did really try to keep the marriage going but I struggled to be intimate with him as the feeling just wasn’t there anymore and it all blew up

A year later I met my partner at a work Xmas function and fell head over heels - I have never felt like this is any other relationships ranging from 17-43 but he lives 2 hours away so have only been seeing him 2 nights a week at his place when ExH has DS ( in family home as ExH is flatsharing due to finances )

We won’t be able to live together for a long time as partner has 2 kids aged 9 and 11 who he has 50/50 custody of in that area and I’m feeling very lonely and sad that I’ve ruined DS life and started meeting ExH again over the last few weeks to see if we can rebuild anything

He would love to - DS would love us to but I’m struggling with feeling there is no passion or intimacy between us in comparison

i feel I’m destined to be unhappy either way so maybe better to at least make DS and ExH happy along the way?

OP- I got back with my exh when I felt similar to you. This was after two years. It was absolutely without doubt the worse decision I have ever made in my life.

I lost my loving partner who I hurt terribly when I ended it with him.

I limped on with my ex for another 4 years but it just was the same as before. I didn’t have romantic feelings for him and had sex just out of duty as little as I could get away with. It all fell apart again when I had an affair.

please do not go backwards when you don’t have those type of feelings. It’s an absolute recipe for disaster.

Did you have children?

The op said she had a child and how much this business affected him!

So you have a daughter who doesn’t want her Dad to come back, you who doesn’t want to get back with him and a son that does?

were you taught that as a woman your feelings aren’t valid and that you sjoukd
defailt to me. You have removed your DD from this because she is relevant yet she is

therapy and working on yourself as a single woman

Yes
I was raised by a single parent mother who taught me that any man that goes to work and comes home and provides is enough and you are grateful for that

probably because she didn’t have that as my dad left when I was a baby

DD is ASD so her feelings are also quite cold - she finds her dad awkward but a lot of this is because she also is and can’t initiate conversations so it feels stilted between them

Then I lose sight of its that’s a good enough reason not to have him home when very emotional DS adores him

Grow up.

Leave the ex alone.

I feel sorry for him to be honest, kid gone, home gone, relationship gone.

And where are you?

yes you have children with competing feelings but what are yours?

because they need I think to win here.

and to be honest I have an emotionally sensitive DS and it can seem that giving in and letting him have his own way is the right course but it isn’t. It is the easy wrong course.
teaching him that life isn’t always going to give you what you want and coping with adversity is a good thing.

learn to be alone OP with neither man

Leave you exH to move on. It is cruel to carry on with him when the feeling isn't there. Let him find someone who feels for him the way you feel for your partner.

It’s not your job to make everyone happy. That’s a trauma response - you need to sort out your people-pleasing (which almost always stems from parent-pleasing in childhood). You’re likely subconsciously creating this drama as a means to work through your trauma.

Neither man is right for you and you know that.

The best thing you can do for your child is work on your issues and get comfortable being alone. Get some therapy if you can, it will help.

not possible

You can't play with your ex's feelings because you're feeling lonely OP. It's not fair to either of you, or your child.

You are not trapped, you're just hesitating.

Let the ex go, he needs to rebuild his life and letting him stay in your house for contact isn't going to work and it won't spur him on to sort out more appropriate accommodation if he thinks he can wait you out. Have that chat and end this LD relationship, it's not meeting your needs.

You need to make a complete and clean break with your exh. The damage is done to that relationship and “family life” with him - the upset to your DS has been caused and won’t be undone by going back. In fact you’ll just make it worse. You need to give DS a sense of stability in a family of two, just you and him (and exh create a similar sense in his household).

The new man - either you can end it, or accept that you’re only going to see him two days a week.

Moving new partners into a child’s home is rarely a good idea tbh - I sincerely hope this wasn’t your plan on splitting with exh!

Edit - where you’ve been unreasonable to exh is in making him think there’s a chance of getting back together- that was very unkind as you still don’t love him.

This is why I’ve tried so hard to fix it over and over again

I do feel I love him though
I just don’t feel myself in being physically close to him - I can’t explain it but because there’s little natural affection between us then sex feels staged for me almost

You left ex for a reason and it isn’t fair to him or DS for you to go back to him just because you are lonely. Especially if you are in love with someone else!?! Cut them both lose focus on you and your DS and work on building you life without a bloke.

I think that’s just being used to him - or more of a platonic love, which isn’t a good basis to be in a relationship with someone.

Your reply makes me think even more strongly that you need to let him go and work on a co-parenting relationship only.

in fairness i think you want you to be happy.

Nothing wrong with that but you need to own it.

Stop stringing your ex along, as really unfair on him and and your son, as you are giving them the hope you that you can be a family again.

You need to accept situation with "partner" isnt going to change due to distant and his kids situation, plus lets be honest he's probably quite happy with current set up.

Going back to the ex is a huge mistake and will make you unhappy. You don’t want to be that mum who is on/off with their dad.

Your dd doesn’t want dad back in your household and her feelings are as important as your ds. Your ex should be moving out of his house share so he can have ds live with him, not acting like a big child and wait for you to come back. You need boundaries so that the kids as well as you can move on with a clean break- forcing yourself to hang out with ex to make him and your son happy is cruel to everyone and delaying the inevitable.

If you feel too guilty to date new man then that is fine but stay single (or look for a man who you can see more easily), don’t go back.

You have been in an unhappy marriage. You are not the cause of the upset.

The person you have quoted IS the OP. That's why her post is green. She's asking another poster if she has children.

I just don’t want to lose my son
I’m sorry if that sounds selfish but that’s what it feels like
He will never accept a man in my life regardless of who / when
So I feel trapped

Have you actually said to him it is over and it is final? Because all these mixed messages no wonder

Yes but then he keeps on and my son gets upset so I agree to try again
Son hasn’t known about any attempts though

Start the divorce.

Maybe. Maybe not. But this isn’t a reason to go back to an ex who is not affectionate (possibly explained by his ASD) and whom the OP is not attracted to nor in love with.