GP displaying family photos, children's pictures dedicated to 'daddy' or 'mummy'

[Ilovepastafortea]

I'm lucky in that I've only had 2 miscarriages.

A friend of mine's DIL has now just had her 5th. Friend went to GP with her & was upset to see GP had pictures of their children & pictures obviously done by their children with annotations saying things like 'I love you daddy'.

This is all rather cute & lovely, but my friend thought rather insensitive when her DIL had recently lost a much wanted 5th PG. She also had concerns about women who are seeking fertility treatment - do they really need to be reminded how fertile their GP is?

We had a long discussion: we considered that on the plus side it shows that the GP is a family person with children & the inference is that they understand the problems of having a family. We considered that people who work in banks, in Boots, therapists, the supermarket, the Jobcentre could argue the same point. They don't display their children's photos.

I agree with her, family photos & personal pictures have no place in a GP's consulting room.

So AINBU thinking the family photos have no place in GP consulting rooms?

Good point

There's thousands of people with children out there. Are they all supposed to pretend their kids don't exist? Is it unreasonable for a GP to appear healthy when a patient is unwell? YABU.

I can't have children now due to cancer treatment. I think it's lovely when I go to the GP and see photos of their children.

This is quite interesting to me as I was super sensitive to seeing pregnant women and being asked when/if I was having children after I had two miscarriages and then struggled to get pregnant. I was also a bit rageful about how unfair it all felt!
But I went to see a lovely GP who was so understanding and compassionate and I remember she talked about it being also a difficult ride for her to have her two kids - there were photos of them on her desk/wall. It was so helpful and she was so kind. Her being a mother with two living children did not make my pain any worse, in fact I felt that she understood how painful it could feel to want something so so badly.

I think a dr can have family photos around, although I personally find it rather twee. I think your friends DIL is obviously grieving and maybe angry and thus affects how we see the world around us. I understand her reaction totally but, unfortunately, the world doesn’t stop for us. On a practical note, if appropriate, perhaps you could contact your friends DIL to commiserate and offer your condolences. A lot of anger and grieving in infertility is because you become invisible and your grief isn’t acknowledged.

Though tbf most fertility clinics are covered with thank yous from the successful. We all seemed to cope

She also had concerns about women who are seeking fertility treatment - do they really need to be reminded how fertile their GP is?

This is insane. Does she also think babies, small children and pregnant women should be hidden away so as not to upset women who can’t have children?

I’ve had three children in just over four years. Looking at me you’d probably assume I was super fertile.

You’d be wrong. All three were conceived through fertility clinics using gamete donation after a long journey with lots of twists and turns.

You don’t know what people’s stories are. Just because someone is fortunate enough to have healthy children doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t know the pain of infertility, miscarriage, etc.

I can think about is that she needs to get over herself. It's on another level of self-centered and ridiculous.

Talking as a woman who had suffered with fertility problems, miscarriage, and still birth, most of us have anyway (sadly).

It’s difficult for someone who is struggling with fertility, I appreciate that. However, there are children everywhere. There are pictures of children everywhere you really can’t escape that and the doctors shouldn’t have to try to.

As a disabled person with mobility issues, I can’t ask people not to stand in my presence or run etc.

It's an absolutely normal thing to have pictures of your kids/done by your kids in your office. I have them in my office which is also frequently visited by other people, some of whom might be experiencing fertility issues. For a GP, it also probably makes the place seem a bit less sterile/scary for young children.

I'm very sorry for your friend's DILs losses - that must be very hard. But this isn't on the level of eg a close friend sending messages about how hard late pregnancy is which might be insensitive. It's like seeing kids in public - it's something that might be hard for her but will inevitably happen, and that no one can possibly try to avoid.

It’s very normal for people struggling to conceive to feel that other people are taking their children out and about just to hurt them. Totally and completely irrational, but not unusual.

I think the gp is no different from anyone else - in the supermarket, at the park - who may trigger this distress just by having children - with the possible exception of fertility clinics where it is more easily predicted that there may be a higher than normal number of patients exhibiting that sort of response.

Infertility can be an intense and overwhelming sort of loss. I’ve seen people become quite unhinged. It’s so sad, but the world can’t actually hide all the children away because of it - like in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang where the queen hates the sight of them and banishes them all to a dungeon.

I have to say what I find really odd in your approach, however, is not the grief around not having a child but instead a sort of competitive focus on “ fertility prowess”. I can well understand a sense of loss, but the emphasis in your post above on the gp’s “abilities” ( rather than the child itself) seems a bit 🤨

You are super insane and your miscarriages are your business not your GPs.
FFS it’s like saying your GP shouldn’t have breasts because you’ve had a mastectomy !!

Your GP can have their family on their desk and they might feel that in their stressful job it’s helpful. Many patients might like to chat or feel comforted such a family person cares for them. There are thousand of reasons why they should have family photos.

You need to change GP or get therapy,

This
Perhaps this is topic that could’ve raised with GP Practice managers as a suggestion for improving services rather than lodging a complaint…….clearly it is something that the GP’ s in question have overlooked and I can understand how distressing it would be for any patients who have lost a baby during any stage of pregnancy.

When I had a miscarriage I had to go back to work... I'm a teacher. I actually finished my lesson and then took myself to the hospital, I knew what was happening. It brought up different emotions my first day back, I had parent meetings with them telling me how they were struggling, kids in care, kids who are simply delightful abd I would take home tomorrow. I had to push through.

What i am trying to say is, having a miscarriage and potentially not having children at all when it is something you very much want is awful. Heartbreaking. But unfortunately the world goes on. I had to go back to work, that doctor is counting his blessings, when someone loses their mum we can't all stop talking about mums. This doctor is showing that they know the value of their children and we should all count our blessings. You never know, that doctor could have been part of their own journey with infertility.

I think that they are being unreasonable.

I’ve not read the full thread. When DD died our GP happened to be a mother with Dds. Her sympathy and understanding was meaningful and helpful because she was a mother. Sorry to hear about the miscarriages in your family op.

Yabvu, but you know that.

Just because somebody has MCd doesn’t mean nobody else is allowed to have a family. What a horrible way to view the world, my instant thought would be “oh good; they have dc so they understand how i’ll be feeling more as a parent themselves”

The best compromise I've seen was a GP who kept a photo of his daughter in his desk drawer. If a child came in and was nervous of him he would show them his daughter's picture and they decided he wasn't that bad after all.
I once had a GP appointment where the Dr and student Dr had left a Bible open on his desk, I assume they were praying before the appointments started and had forgotten to move the book... But it did make me feel uncomfortable.
Overall I think it would be better to not have personal effects displayed to patients but I wouldn't complain if a GP had family pictures up.

That is bloody ridiculous. I’ve had 6 MCs and never once been upset or offended by anyone’s baby photos. Good grief!

Just to echo others, my DSis is a GP & probably has a photo or drawings from her DC. Her DC who were adopted after years & years of fertility issues.

I do understand the upset but should we also not allow a photo of a DH or DW incase a patient has recently lost theirs? There are children everywhere.

Two points... my dad was a doctor and didn't have family pictures of us in his surgery. It is a reflection of his personality as a professional man and our family life, which came second. If only he had had pictures of us...

Second, I suffered multiple baby loss and it was a horrible personal struggle over about eight years. During that time I remember going to child focussed events, christenings etc, which were hugely challenging and emotional. I could have refused to go, but my struggles were my own, and I didn't feel that my friends' lives should stop just because mine had.

I hope your friend's DIL's journey ends in a happier place. Hopefully in time her visit to the doctor will help her focus on the medical, resulting in some diagnosis, treatment and referral, rather than the personal life of the doctor which is an emotional cul-de-sac.

Is it unreasonable if the GP gets out of their chair to greet a wheelchair user, if they're very slim and they're consulting with someone who's struggling with obesity, if they've just had their hair done and have an alopecia patient in that afternoon, if they're fit and healthy and they have a patient who is dying from terminal cancer etc etc etc.

Also, I can't imagine that anyone could wait more than 5 mins in the waiting room without coming across an actual baby/child, or a heavily pregnant woman. A couple of photos and drawings are the tip of the iceberg when it comes to navigating infertility in a world full of children.

I’m so sorry and I hope she gets all the help she needs to process the trauma of that.

I did. I saw patients with fertility issues, miscarriages and those wanting abortions. I didn’t find it awkward, I didn’t directly address it or mention my own pregnancy in a consultation as I don’t think that’s appropriate. It didn’t influence how I approached things. I have actually had my own fair share of fertility issues/ traumatic pregnancies and deliveries, and a termination. If anything, these experiences have just made me more understanding of what a patient may be going through. Being a parent has undoubtedly made me a better doctor. (I’m not saying doctors who have children are better than those who don’t, I’m saying my own personal growth and experiences have shaped me).

but I suppose where do you draw the line? Should a pregnant doctor not see someone with fertility issues? What about midwives? Should they not be allowed to be pregnant? I’m married and wear a wedding ring. I see many patients going through divorces. Should I not wear a wedding ring? Im being facetious but my point is it’s impossible to keep ourselves so neutral without any discerning factors.

That's ridiculous. The DIL needs to go elsewhere then.