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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

254 replies

olafandme · 21/06/2025 11:35

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Afewtimesagain · 21/06/2025 15:52

Sounds like she is exhausted after her day of school.

Renolife · 21/06/2025 15:55

bridgetreilly · 21/06/2025 11:39

It sounds like school pick up is a particularly bad time for, which is pretty common. They’re tired, with low blood sugar, and have just spent all day being told what to do. I would plan to walk straight home every day, minimal interaction, and take a snack.

Agree. Hardest time of the day for us and everything is instantly better after food/dinner.

ArabellaScott · 21/06/2025 15:58

Kids are very often like this after school. They've been 'good' all day long and need to let their guard down and all the big feelings out. It's actually not a bad thing, she sees you as her safe haven and she's able to let it out with you.

It can certainly be hard. Often what they need is a bit of a cry, plus yes, a snack.

zingally · 21/06/2025 16:01

So you're planning to punish and exclude a 7yo for an ENTIRE YEAR, for one incident that happened on the hottest Friday afternoon of the year, a month before the end of year?
You're mad, and vindictive. You can't genuinely be serious?!

SamPoodle123 · 21/06/2025 16:02

I always had to bring snacks to pick up for my kids, which they would eat the second I got there. They were so hungry they could sometimes not wait to make it out of the school gate. Perhaps, discuss with her what snacks she would like and offer to her the second you see her at pick up. Otherwise, my kids would be in tears from hunger.

Swimminginthedeepbluesky · 21/06/2025 16:05

I would collect her and walk home without to much fuss.
Offering her things is just triggering her.
Collect and home ASAP
Quiet time to decompress

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/06/2025 16:07

wizzywig · 21/06/2025 15:25

If she asks for an ice cream can she have it? If she doesn't ask for it, let her get on with life. No skin of your nose. Loss of an icecream that she hasn't said she wants isn't going to harm her. She will eventually click that her gut reaction to scream no is not benefitting her. She trying to exert her rights without the maturity to realise she is missing out.

Edited

This is pretty much what I was thinking too, @wizzywig.

@olafandme - it sounds as if coming out of school is a big trigger point for your dd, and I can understand why you’ve been doing the things you’ve been doing - offering a snack, a hot chocolate, an ice cream, an umbrella - because you want to ease her through this point, but it isn’t working, so maybe a different approach is needed.

Could you try having the snack and the umbrella out of sight in your bag, and wait u til she asks for them or asks for the ice cream or hot chocolate - maybe, having been in school all day, having to do as she’s told, she wants the chance to feel in control of what happens to her, and by you offering these things, she feels you are taking the control? Or maybe she is a bit overwhelmed at that point, and having to make another decision on the spot is the final straw?

ginasevern · 21/06/2025 16:07

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 13:08

She's dysregulated. And 7 years old. You are using words that describe the behaviour if carried out by regulated adults. Child psychology suggests that meeting children's needs leads to successful, happy adults, which as a country is what I believe we should be aiming for.

Children can't learn whilst dysregulated, so the only sensible thing to do is ignore the behaviour you don't want and work on supporting the child to avoid dysregulation, or co-regulate if on the journey to compete dysregulation.

So one should not actually tell a child that they are being rude/unkind/unpleasant or causing harm to another adult or child. You should literally just ignore it? Sorry, but that's unhinged. Nobody should grow up with the expectation of always have their needs met. What about the people whom they feel should meet those needs? What if (for example) mummy is going through a very bad time, is feeling unwell, the house has been repossossed! Surely teaching children an age appropriate understanding of other people emotions or difficulties leads to a far more balanced adult.

olafandme · 21/06/2025 16:13

DeffoNeedANameChange · 21/06/2025 14:40

Yes it's a totally psycho thing to do. But also, I have that same 7yo and have often had those same thoughts (to be fair, I think my own mum might say that she also had that same 7yo 35 years ago....)

Hard relate on this one

OP posts:
InfoSecInTheCity · 21/06/2025 16:14

I think the conversation you had with her was perfectly fine and something that kids do need to hear. Long term punishment on the other hand is unreasonable.

its the end of the school year, it’s hot and she was probably knackered after a day at school. All the primary school kids I know are reaching the end of their rope and are ready for the summer holidays, they’ve reached the point in the school year when they are tired and bored and fed up and there is a hell of a lot of general grumpiness and short tempers around.

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 16:20

A disregulated child can’t learn. They are so focused on the sensations they are experiencing that everything else is at best irrelevant and at worse is going to lead to outbursts from the child.

Support the child through the moment and then when they are calm and able to communicate more effectively then have the conversation.

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 16:22

BertieBotts · 21/06/2025 14:47

But do you agree that it would be helpful to be neutral, in a sense of sort of "being the bigger person" ? I just think that meeting rudeness with a harsh or stern response has a tendency to escalate rather than de-escalate a situation.

Essentially, the behaviour a lot of people are looking for from the child is for her to put her own feelings aside (if she's annoyed by her mum or frazzled by school or whatever) and be polite or neutral, which is a form of kindness. I think it helps if the adult can model the behaviour that they expect, otherwise they are holding a child (with less maturity/development) to a higher standard than themselves.

I don't mean that words are always irrelevant, there is a difference between e.g. shouting "I've had a horrible day and I hate school" vs "I hate you, go away" but I think whether she is objecting to ice cream/an umbrella/a chocolate/whatever else is irrelevant/a red herring, and not the thing to address. If you disagree, I would be interested to know the reasoning.

Because words aren't meaningless, even if you are angry. You can't just go around saying whatever you like and it be written off because you were angry.

No I don't think being neutral in the face of being screamed and shouted at is the right approach.

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 16:24

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 16:22

Because words aren't meaningless, even if you are angry. You can't just go around saying whatever you like and it be written off because you were angry.

No I don't think being neutral in the face of being screamed and shouted at is the right approach.

What exactly do you think responding negatively to a child who is diaregulated is going to do? I can tell you one thing it won’t magically calm them down!

EleventyThree · 21/06/2025 16:26

Jerrypicker · 21/06/2025 13:07

The amount of excuses some people bring up for rude children is absolutely mind blowing. It would never have occurred to me - even at such a young age - to shout at my lovely, placid mum after offering me ice-cream, no matter how hot or tired I was. I was just happy to see her. No wonder lots of kids are insufferable little toads.
Te usual excuses for kids are:

  • they are hot
  • they are cold
  • they are hungry
  • they just ate and are full
  • they ate too much sugar
  • their sugar level is too low
  • it’s raining
  • it’s sunny
  • it’s windy
  • it’s cloudy
  • someone looked at them the wrong way
  • they are toddlers
  • they are tweens
  • they are pre-teens
  • they are teenagers
  • they at
  • they are girls
  • they are boys
  • they are human beings

🙄

These sorts of posts always make me laugh, where people claim that they were angelic children who had mature emotional management skills and limitless respect and empathy for their elders 😂.

ArabellaScott · 21/06/2025 17:19

EleventyThree · 21/06/2025 16:26

These sorts of posts always make me laugh, where people claim that they were angelic children who had mature emotional management skills and limitless respect and empathy for their elders 😂.

Quite possible many children were/are scared into submission.

ArabellaScott · 21/06/2025 17:20

Sirzy · 21/06/2025 16:20

A disregulated child can’t learn. They are so focused on the sensations they are experiencing that everything else is at best irrelevant and at worse is going to lead to outbursts from the child.

Support the child through the moment and then when they are calm and able to communicate more effectively then have the conversation.

100%.

Strong boundaries, clear rules, and timing.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/06/2025 17:28

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:12

When someone is shouting and screaming at you I don't think you should be expected to be kind to them, I'm not saying you have to scream and shout back because obviously they're a child but if you're teaching them that they can shout and scream and be met with kindness I don't think that's a good lesson, or in any way realistic.

The words also aren't irrelevant in my opinion.

Doesn't mean that you can plan to get your own back on them multiple times for the equivalent of 14% of their entire life so far, though. That's the equivalent of the OP being punished repeatedly by her husband for around five years for the perceived transgression of embarrassing him in public when absolutely shattered, overheating, surrounded by hundreds of other noisy people all talking at once when she just wanted to go home.

It's not unheard of. My mother managed 15 years of punishing me for things I have no memory of ever doing/saying/not wanting to do before I got the hell out. And (unlike her rages, which weren't pleasant but they were over and done with quickly), they were immensely satisfying for her. Her only disappointment was that other people weren't applauding her for it.

timestressed · 21/06/2025 17:43

I felt she was tired in both scenarios but is unable to communicate it to you.

SadAndBeautifulWorld · 21/06/2025 17:57

Please don't do this. It could make her feel really unloved.
It's like punishing her all summer for one incident.
My children often say they don't like their favourite things when upset. Eg. I don't like red! I don't like my favourite toy! Almost as if they are too upset to like anything in that moment.
You need to try and understand her feelings, not take the words literally.

I agree with the people who say talk to her about it when she has calmed down. Possibly have consequences on the same day but not all summer.

She is possibly tired after school and having trouble regulating her emotions.
My daughter behaves like that sometimes, especially the running away in the opposite direction. Like a fight or flight response. And she has been diagnosed with ASD. Have you considered she may have ASD?
Or maybe all children can be like that, I only have my experience to go on.

Autumn38 · 21/06/2025 18:05

olafandme · 21/06/2025 12:05

Thanks so far.
To the “take a snack” crew - can you guess what happens if I take a snack? 10 points to whoever guessed I get screamed at (no matter what it is).
Once her friends granny gave her a snack and she snatched it and said “ I hate chocolate” to the poor granny. Another 10 points to those that guessed that she loves chocolate.

We’ve spoken about this (manners, being grateful etc) all so much. I’m exasperated and fed up.

To those who have said about school pick up being particularly difficult - you are absolutely right. She is well behaved most of the time but school pick up is an absolute nightmare. I dread it and so I always try to approach it with a happy smile and spend time thinking what could make it better. Like going for hot chocolate when it’s cold or ice cream when it’s hot.
As soon as we get back home she is fine and is in a good mood with me.

So if it’s just school pick up, can’t you just acknowledge it with her and then not react to it.

so in a moment of calm just observe with her - ‘you seem to really struggle after school, I wonder if you’ve been holding it together all day and then it all comes out when you see me because I feel safe to you’. Then just let her explode on you at this time.

it sort of lets you take power by acknowledging it’s happening but also recognising that it’s only in one particular situation.

My DS in particular will hit, shout etc if he is hungry but I figure it’s only at this particular time so I manage it calmly, get him fed, and then later address it with him when I’ll usually get an apology, a hug and a ‘love you mummy’.

Seamoss · 21/06/2025 18:22

Are you me 7 years ago?
School pickups were the hardest part of my day. My DD sounds just like yours! The only thing I found that helped, was her walking home with her friends, and us parents a few steps infront/behind. It's like she still needed to hold it together for the walk home with her friends, whereas she'd get cross or moody if it was just us two.

All the rest of the time, DD was (and still is) delightful, sociable, polite, academically great, funny, kind.

BunnyLake · 21/06/2025 18:32

ginasevern · 21/06/2025 16:07

So one should not actually tell a child that they are being rude/unkind/unpleasant or causing harm to another adult or child. You should literally just ignore it? Sorry, but that's unhinged. Nobody should grow up with the expectation of always have their needs met. What about the people whom they feel should meet those needs? What if (for example) mummy is going through a very bad time, is feeling unwell, the house has been repossossed! Surely teaching children an age appropriate understanding of other people emotions or difficulties leads to a far more balanced adult.

I wouldn’t agree on ignoring it either. My kids weren’t that bad but I found talking to them (not at them) later when they were calm was a lot more productive than trying to talk to them in the moment. Ignoring it altogether seems no better than when parents let their kids run riot in restaurants and turn a blind eye, it teaches them nothing (except it’s ok to behave that way).

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 18:57

Ignoring the behaviour in the moment doesn't mean it isn't addressed. It's not all or nothing, and no one said that.

As repeated by multiple posters: dysregulated children cannot be taught at that moment.

partyboat356 · 21/06/2025 19:27

She sounds like Veruca Salt.

But no, I don't think this ice-cream plan is a good idea, OP.

Pricelessadvice · 21/06/2025 19:40

Sometimes I would be expected to go to the shops after school with my mum, or pop to her office for something, or drop something off at someone’s house. The world did not revolve around me and how I felt after my day at school.
If my mum offered me a snack, I absolutely wouldn’t have dared shout at her rudely. My feet wouldn’t have touched the floor if I had!

There are just constant excuses for children nowadays. Nothing is expected of them and everyone tiptoes around them incase they ‘trigger’ them after a hard day at school.

It’s school, not a Victorian workhouse!