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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

254 replies

olafandme · 21/06/2025 11:35

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/06/2025 14:43

I think that another possible solution is to come prepared after school with a drink and snack.
Its such a small thing, but they come out of school, hot, bothered, thirsty and unsettled.
The shop across the road was always busy, and it was hard to choose something nicely when already in a bit of a mood.

My stress would be elevated by this point.
A bottle of water or squash and a biscuit was enough refreshment to get home without killing each other

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 14:45

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 14:37

Oh Dear.
Why do play dates matter so much to you?
A lot of DC (especially those with ASD) couldn't give a flying monkeys about playdates. They'd rather be engrossed in their hobbies.
Did you know that eye contact is actually painful for some people? It's not something that should be forced.
Heaven forbid a child isn't popular.

I was replying to a poster, but feel free to take posts out of context.

And I am glad that my children are popular and have big groups of friends and playdates, thanks.

There are enough threads on here from parents in despair because their kids don't get picked or invited, or that everyone find excuse to decline when invited, not many threads that kids are invited too much.

Regardless, I wasn't making general comments anyway about the popularity, again, I was actually replying to a poster.

Adrinaballerina · 21/06/2025 14:46

olafandme · 21/06/2025 12:05

Thanks so far.
To the “take a snack” crew - can you guess what happens if I take a snack? 10 points to whoever guessed I get screamed at (no matter what it is).
Once her friends granny gave her a snack and she snatched it and said “ I hate chocolate” to the poor granny. Another 10 points to those that guessed that she loves chocolate.

We’ve spoken about this (manners, being grateful etc) all so much. I’m exasperated and fed up.

To those who have said about school pick up being particularly difficult - you are absolutely right. She is well behaved most of the time but school pick up is an absolute nightmare. I dread it and so I always try to approach it with a happy smile and spend time thinking what could make it better. Like going for hot chocolate when it’s cold or ice cream when it’s hot.
As soon as we get back home she is fine and is in a good mood with me.

You really need to strip back pick up to nothing, just you, minimal communication or other stuff and the walk home. Don't engage, she's too overwhelmed by her day to engage properly.

BertieBotts · 21/06/2025 14:47

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:12

When someone is shouting and screaming at you I don't think you should be expected to be kind to them, I'm not saying you have to scream and shout back because obviously they're a child but if you're teaching them that they can shout and scream and be met with kindness I don't think that's a good lesson, or in any way realistic.

The words also aren't irrelevant in my opinion.

But do you agree that it would be helpful to be neutral, in a sense of sort of "being the bigger person" ? I just think that meeting rudeness with a harsh or stern response has a tendency to escalate rather than de-escalate a situation.

Essentially, the behaviour a lot of people are looking for from the child is for her to put her own feelings aside (if she's annoyed by her mum or frazzled by school or whatever) and be polite or neutral, which is a form of kindness. I think it helps if the adult can model the behaviour that they expect, otherwise they are holding a child (with less maturity/development) to a higher standard than themselves.

I don't mean that words are always irrelevant, there is a difference between e.g. shouting "I've had a horrible day and I hate school" vs "I hate you, go away" but I think whether she is objecting to ice cream/an umbrella/a chocolate/whatever else is irrelevant/a red herring, and not the thing to address. If you disagree, I would be interested to know the reasoning.

mazed · 21/06/2025 14:51

bridgetreilly you don't have low blood sugar just because it's not immediately after a meal. Humans, including children regulate their blood sugar perfectly well. Just like eating sweets won't raise your blood sugar massively. Homeostasis.

2dogsandabudgie · 21/06/2025 14:54

When my kids were younger and started shouting I would reply that I couldn't understand what they were saying as it was just shouting and screaming. They soon spoke in a calmer voice.

Applesonthelawn · 21/06/2025 14:55

You're making far too much of the ice cream/umbrella, tone it down and it'll pass. The shouting is to be moved on from quickly. The more you make of it, the bigger the whole deal will become. Just de-escalate.

LimitedBrightSpots · 21/06/2025 14:55

This isn't about smiling or hot chocolate or ice cream or anything like that.

Your DD is struggling to emotionally regulate at the moment.

Focus on the causes and triggers for this, and work on finding healthier ways for her and you to address her emotions.

I have sympathy - kids are maddening sometimes. When you try to do nice things and prioritise their welfare and happiness, and they turn round and scream at you, and no one - no one - seems to give a toss about your own wellbeing, it's very hard not to snap sometimes. But an ice cream ban is not what is needed here.

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 14:56

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 14:45

I was replying to a poster, but feel free to take posts out of context.

And I am glad that my children are popular and have big groups of friends and playdates, thanks.

There are enough threads on here from parents in despair because their kids don't get picked or invited, or that everyone find excuse to decline when invited, not many threads that kids are invited too much.

Regardless, I wasn't making general comments anyway about the popularity, again, I was actually replying to a poster.

Well done you for having "normal" neuro typical kids, give yourself a big pat on the back.

BeachPossum · 21/06/2025 14:57

So you're considering inflicting a year long punishment of exclusion on your seven year old daughter because she sometimes loses her cool and acts out when offered choices? Does this really seem like something a kind and sensible parent would do?

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 14:58

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 14:45

I was replying to a poster, but feel free to take posts out of context.

And I am glad that my children are popular and have big groups of friends and playdates, thanks.

There are enough threads on here from parents in despair because their kids don't get picked or invited, or that everyone find excuse to decline when invited, not many threads that kids are invited too much.

Regardless, I wasn't making general comments anyway about the popularity, again, I was actually replying to a poster.

I think we fundamentally disagree on the reasons why some children don't get invited to play dates.

How I've understood your logic: well parented children, including @RichHolidayPoorHoliday's own, know how to behave and carry out that behaviour and I expect these behaviours and do not invite any child who cannot do these behaviours. And this is reasonable because everyone should know and follow these behaviours.

I would suggest that is a life view you have due to not having ND children or being ND yourself.

My experience: my DC cannot meet these behaviour expectations. Teaching or expecting him to do so may endanger his mental wellbeing. It is not a moral failing. I invite children who he would like to have over for play dates independent of whether they meet social norms. If my DC got an invite to an event or house that I thought would mean he was dysregulated I would turn down the invite.

aredcar · 21/06/2025 14:58

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/06/2025 11:39

No, that is vindictive and no a way to deal with a child.

Especially the length of time you suggest. The therapy bill would be through the roof.

There are loads of consequences you can use for being rude to you, making your life difficult that aren’t cruel. And crucially for a child of that age, are immediate and of short duration.

I mean wtf are you thinking?

Everyone is jot and bothered in this heat. It makes everyone cross and fractious and children are no exception. She was probably struggling to cope with how she felt and expressing it badly, but she needs support with this, not cruelty.

Therapy bills for not being offered ice cream one summer when she had specifically said how much she hated it?

cruelty?

your reaction seems quite OTT. There are things parents do to children that really are cruel and really do cause trauma but not offering a child a snack they’ve said quite firmly that they don’t like is not one of them…

blanketsnuggler · 21/06/2025 15:02

Haven't read the whole thread, apologies, but your post sounds very much like my dd. She was diagnosed with ASD age 9.
She was horrific to me and dh at home, and sometimes in public.

Assuming your dd is not a horrible, spiteful person, if talking isn't having an effect, then she can't control her behaviour. Which in turn means you have to try and locate the cause of the stress leading to her actions. (not easy). Please don't punish her if you think she isn't in control of her emotions/action.

We read a book called something like The Red Beast. It helped my dd to talk about how she couldn't control her actions. She use to say the Beast was in her brain and it grew and took over her. She was remorseful, usually, about her actions. Good luck!

AlertEagle · 21/06/2025 15:19

My child used to have meltdowns afterschool in reception. He’s 7 now and no meltdowns in fact I havent seen anyone at that age to have meltdowns after school. There could be something else that makes her react so hard I think its masking but Im not a professional so of course dont take my word for it

BunnyLake · 21/06/2025 15:20

olafandme · 21/06/2025 12:05

Thanks so far.
To the “take a snack” crew - can you guess what happens if I take a snack? 10 points to whoever guessed I get screamed at (no matter what it is).
Once her friends granny gave her a snack and she snatched it and said “ I hate chocolate” to the poor granny. Another 10 points to those that guessed that she loves chocolate.

We’ve spoken about this (manners, being grateful etc) all so much. I’m exasperated and fed up.

To those who have said about school pick up being particularly difficult - you are absolutely right. She is well behaved most of the time but school pick up is an absolute nightmare. I dread it and so I always try to approach it with a happy smile and spend time thinking what could make it better. Like going for hot chocolate when it’s cold or ice cream when it’s hot.
As soon as we get back home she is fine and is in a good mood with me.

Is there a chance she is being bullied at school so is very sharp at pick up time? I was bullied at school, didn’t tell my family and could get very snappy. Not like your dd (I wouldn’t have dared back in those days) but I was tense at the end of a school day.

Nana1956 · 21/06/2025 15:24

It sounds as if there is something else going on here. Is she self concious? Is she embarrassed about something? Is everything ok at school? Theres no bullying or anything going on?

MamaClausToTheRescue · 21/06/2025 15:24

@olafandme the first thing I thought when I read your original post was PDA - it sounds exactly like what my PDA daughter would do. She masks highly at school and also does really well, but the effort required to do this and mask so highly puts her nervous system into overdrive.

look up At Peace Parents on Facebook / insta for more info about the fight or flight element of this and equalising behaviour.

this is what led me to have my daughter assessed for (and diagnosed with) autism.

BunnyLake · 21/06/2025 15:24

2dogsandabudgie · 21/06/2025 14:54

When my kids were younger and started shouting I would reply that I couldn't understand what they were saying as it was just shouting and screaming. They soon spoke in a calmer voice.

I used to say to mine, ‘could you speak a bit louder please I can’t hear you’. It seemed to have the same effect and they’d lower the tone.

wizzywig · 21/06/2025 15:25

If she asks for an ice cream can she have it? If she doesn't ask for it, let her get on with life. No skin of your nose. Loss of an icecream that she hasn't said she wants isn't going to harm her. She will eventually click that her gut reaction to scream no is not benefitting her. She trying to exert her rights without the maturity to realise she is missing out.

FlyingUnicornWings · 21/06/2025 15:29

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 14:10

But the kid wasn't meeting anger with anger they met a perfectly reasonable question with anger. So they need to learn not to do that. Reacting badly to being shouted and screamed at is not a bad thing, it's how they learn that their behaviour and words affect others.

No, I meant if the child is angry with the parent and then the parent reacts back with anger to the child, it will escalate. I agree that a child needs to learn not to meet a reasonable question with anger, what I don’t agree with is that they’ll do that if you get angry back.

You can teach the child with conversation and communication when the emotions are no longer heightened. They will listen better then. They will learn that things can be resolved with healthy and calm communication.

By getting angry with the child in the moment, all you're doing is re-enforcing that anger is an appropriate way to communicate. They’ll continue to be argumentative in a negative way as you’re modelling that behaviour to them.

Monkey see, monkey do.

Edited to add: You can’t teach a child not to be angry, by being angry with them.

Genevieva · 21/06/2025 15:35

It sounds like she finds her school day overwhelming and takes it out on you because you are her Mum, so she relaxes a little and it all bubbles over. It’s quite common. I think she needs you to stop, calm her down, get under the problem, then see if she will join in with you instead of lashing out.

SuburbanSprawl · 21/06/2025 15:40

The problem isn't the ice cream. It's the shouting.

If she'd said, 'no thanks - don't feel like ice cream, thanks' would you be taking this stance? No. It's because she threw a wobbler.

I think it unlikely that a seven-year-old will conclude that the withdrawal of ice cream might be down to the way in which she turned down the offer a fortnight ago. She might, however, notice that you remembered about the ice cream thing, so whatever she did there is worth doing again when she wants to make a point.

Or she might not.

In either case, withdrawing ice cream is not likely to prevent shouting.

Noshadelamp · 21/06/2025 15:42

You want to play mind games with a small child and "might" consider stopping if she offers a sincere apology and chang of behaviour?
How will you know the apology is sincere and not a desperate attempt to stop your treatment of her?

There's so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start.

Your lack of understanding of children, your level of emotional intelligence and lack of empathy are all worrying.

Obviously she shouldn't be routinely shouting at you but behaviour like this is communicating something,, there's a reason for it and your job is to find out why eg s she dehydrated, tired, confused?

Noshadelamp · 21/06/2025 15:47

She is well behaved most of the time but school pick up is an absolute nightmare. I dread it and so I always try to approach it with a happy smile and spend time thinking what could make it better. Like going for hot chocolate when it’s cold or ice cream when it’s hot.
As soon as we get back home she is fine and is in a good mood with me @olafandme

Give her a snack, hot chocolate, ice cream whatever at home.
She doesn't want to go anywhere but home by the looks of it. Just do that.
Let her know in the mornings that you'll be going straight home after school so she doesn't have to worry.

QuickPeachPoet · 21/06/2025 15:48

While I don't think a summer long punishment is really appropriate, something needs to be done about this girl's bad behaviour at school pick up time.
The mother is doing her best - snack, no snack, offering a nice treat, bringing an umbrella, another parent offering a more enticing snack, activities, more quiet time - regardless of what is done or offered, her attitude is shitty. So yes, there do have to be some consequences. She is 7, not a toddler.