AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

[olafandme]

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

Thanks so far.
To the “take a snack” crew - can you guess what happens if I take a snack? 10 points to whoever guessed I get screamed at (no matter what it is).
Once her friends granny gave her a snack and she snatched it and said “ I hate chocolate” to the poor granny. Another 10 points to those that guessed that she loves chocolate.

We’ve spoken about this (manners, being grateful etc) all so much. I’m exasperated and fed up.

To those who have said about school pick up being particularly difficult - you are absolutely right. She is well behaved most of the time but school pick up is an absolute nightmare. I dread it and so I always try to approach it with a happy smile and spend time thinking what could make it better. Like going for hot chocolate when it’s cold or ice cream when it’s hot.
As soon as we get back home she is fine and is in a good mood with me.

You are teaching her to behave by modelling the behaviour for her.

When she gets frustrated she is acting up and being stubborn, just like her mum.

So have you tried just collecting her? It’s a trigger point for her. Maybe you being cheery and helpful is too much at that time. Try just collecting her. Not bringing her things, no smiling, no offering. Just collect, walk home and wait it out.

Today isn't school pick-up so can you take her out (even into the garden) and have a chat about why it all gets fraught? Explain it makes you feel bad and discuss with her how to stop it.

You are certainly being unreasonable by suggesting you won't give her any ice creams for a year. If you already know school pick up is difficult, why would you ask her about anything then? Perhaps the better option is simply to get home, give her some time, and then offer an ice lolly/cold drink.

Does she have any other issues with transitions during the day? It could be that she simply wants to get home and not be asked anything.

If that's the case just have no engagement from school pick up until she gets home to allow time to decompress. If she then kicks off at home if you ask her something or offer something then there are consequences.

Maybe after a week of "good" pickups you can speak to her at home about how pleased you are that she is behaving so much better these days.

This should improve things.

7 is old enough to not be rude like that. The snatching is totally unacceptable as is the lack of please and thank you.

Previous posters have it. Google after school restraint collapse. Sometimes I find that what I think of as a treat is just too much for my DC in that immediate post after school.time. You are her safe space to let it all out.

Yes I think that would be better

I also second just leaving her alone for a bit until she gets home. Especially if she is a well behaved child otherwise. I don’t feel particularly chatty after a long day at work either

When you find yourself wanting to escalate a punishment, you’re definitely headed in the wrong direction.

But sometimes there’s also a kernel of sense in our impulses that can be difficult to find when we’re calm.

I’m coming from the perspective of having a dc who is demand avoidant and I know that offering him an ice cream, while well meant, could absolutely be a trigger.

Especially if they’re overwrought, focused on getting home quickly, too thirsty to feel any desire for a sugary treat but maybe not processing their internal sensations too well. Feeling the surge of safety that mum represents, and then boom, thrown into fight/flight by something they weren’t expecting.

What I would suggest is that later, when everything is calm, and she’s playing or out for a walk, just ask what that was all about. Listen more than you talk.

I quite like The Calm Parenting podcast - he has a lot of strategies for de- escalating conflict with challenging kids and getting to the crux of the problems.

The way she’s behaving after school is called restraint collapse. She’s been holding it in all day at school, and she can let all that out on someone she feels safe with - you.

I would say she was feeling frazzled and disregulated. You could have described that for her and maybe you would have got a response explaining why. Even if not, you could have just said, well I think a ice cream or etc would help you. Let's see how you feel when we get to the shop. Kids self sabotage when they feel like this. It's a parent's job to help them re-regulate, not punish them for saying something they don't actually mean. If she hadn't calmed, you could have just said ok we won't have one today then. And NOT bought yourself one - that won't have helped in any way.

I’d certainly cut off ice cream supplies for a bit (and anything else she shouts about). But I would also be having words with DH about undermining me.

It depends how it’s done.

Sporadic stop at an ice cream van and not asking her and if she says “I want one” replying “bit you HATE cold things” would t be the end of the world.

But deliberately serving ice cream as a family dessert for a year so she misses out is deliberate and cruel.

Next time it’s pouring with rain don’t take an umbrella and if she says anything just reply “well you don’t want to carry one remember?”

Natural consequences are fine. Deliberately excluding a child is not.

What??? You are talking ...a year or the whole summer denial of ice cream/cold treats ..over a seven year olds attitude 😱 You make the point by maybe not offering next day or later that day ...'because you don't like them' Cause and effect. Result of rudeness/attitude. You then just ask casually after that ...would you like an ice cream? Most kids would remember previous days cause and effect and either accept or politely refuse. If you get attitude just a calm ok ...I forgot you don't like them. With a reminder that the polite answer is no thank you. No fuss, no persuasion, no offering anything else. Then don't offer the following time. Please don't take extreme action over a seven year old'a moodiness/rudeness. Quiet calm consistent reinforcement is the way forward. Extreme action is the way towards eating disorders (common enough in teen girls anyway) and broken adult relationships.

In a calm moment well away from school pick up - have a chat - if someone offers you something snd you don’t want it you say ‘no thank you’

play with her teddies / Barbie’s etc a simple game of asking / saying no thank you.

tell her yelling and screaming is innecessary and rude.

don’t punish her - she us overwhelmed at school pick up time. If she clearly just wants to get home - do thst - no offer if ice cream / drink / snack.

just get home and then see if she wants anything.

it’s really not worth starting ww3 over and done gentle modelling if appropriate behaviours with toys and a non confrontational approach at pick up time with no food added into the mix should make your life a lot easier.

One of mine found the transition from school to going home difficult at this age. I'd take a snack, but she'd want a second etc. I found it more productive to start asking questions about her day or talking about something nice we could do later, and this wouid distract her and we'd have a nice chat all the way home - it was 15 minutes walk, and I think the walk itself helped too.

My DN is an absolutely lovely boy, always has amazing school reports etc saying he's so kind and works hard, always polite and well mannered... To everyone apart from my sister, and almost always just after school. He was still throwing full on tantrums etc and screaming at her at eight.

Now at nine it still occasionally happens but very infrequently. I do think he's ND (I'm not saying that just because everyone on here does at the slightest hint of bad behaviour in children and adults alike! There are various indicators IMO) and manages to mask all day, but (as a PP said) when he's back with his mum it's his safe space and all the pent up stress comes out.

Not saying your DD is ND but this seems to be a common theme around school pick up.

Yes of course - 4 years of 5 days a week pick ups - most days going straight home.
I just wanted to help her keep cool / not get soaked by torrential rain (when I brought the umbrella) etc.
It’s hard because- had I not brought the umbrella I’d have felt terrible too.

I have looked into the post school restraint collapse a while back but will take another look.

It sounds like she is trying to communicate to you that after school she needs some down time. You have picked up on this because you know she is fine when she has got home. Help teach her about respect by showing her respect for her boundary. Have a walk home that’s as quiet as possible and then do the chatting when she has had a chance to decompress.

She clearly wants to go straight home , pull her up on the shouting, but the rest seems quite clear

Take an umbrella, put it up for you. She can come under it or not but the offer is there in an unspoken way. Same if your carrying one just for her she can take it or she can not.

You need to address her behaviour while also being the adult in the situation