AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

[olafandme]

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

It’s not going to have the desired effect on her, but on the plus side, you will get to eat a lot of ice cream.

Really, don’t do this. It’s the kind of thing that can end up causing very serious damage to her and to your relationship long term.

What a little madam!

No, that is vindictive and no a way to deal with a child.

Especially the length of time you suggest. The therapy bill would be through the roof.

There are loads of consequences you can use for being rude to you, making your life difficult that aren’t cruel. And crucially for a child of that age, are immediate and of short duration.

I mean wtf are you thinking?

Everyone is jot and bothered in this heat. It makes everyone cross and fractious and children are no exception. She was probably struggling to cope with how she felt and expressing it badly, but she needs support with this, not cruelty.

It sounds like school pick up is a particularly bad time for, which is pretty common. They’re tired, with low blood sugar, and have just spent all day being told what to do. I would plan to walk straight home every day, minimal interaction, and take a snack.

What do you say when she shouts at you? Because I don't think I'd be having a calm lengthy conversation i would give her short shrift. A

I don't think that would be effective with a 7 year old. Also pretty cruel in general, even more so if it's a really hot day and she needs cooling down.

Sorry but you’re taking it too far; maybe a few days but a whole summer….shes only 7. They aren’t logical and expecting them to be is unrealistic

I don’t think it’s a massive deal

take a snack as suggested

offer an icecream at home when she wants one but mean not letting her have any all Summer

save yourself some money

She's a small child who's presumably had a hot and tiring day at school and she doesn't have the capacity to properly regulate her emotions. When they come out of school, it's really really common for children to 'burst' once they get to their safe space (you/home) because they've held themselves together all day.
You were not at all unreasonable to not get her an ice cream on that day, and not unreasonable to remind her every time that she needs to treat you with kindness but prolonging it is cruel. You are the adult and need to figure out the best way to help her deal with this - this isn't it.

I wouldn't do it for a year, but on the same day I would've not made her one and when she commented I would've said oh but you screamed at me earlier because you don't like cold things, so you do like ice cream? She would either say yes and you would say so do you think you need to say something to me about your behaviour earlier, and she would apologise or she would stick to her guns and go without ice cream. I don't think it's vindictive to take her at her word.

She shouts at you? Not on. I’d be punishing her for that alone.

When I was growing up, you asked for what you wanted - you didn’t wait to be offered, and it was fine to say no if you were being asked to share and didn’t want to.

I think this meant we’re generally quite good as adults at articulating our needs and holding boundaries.

So I’d maybe stop offering, but her one if she asks nicely. Same with umbrella etc, it’s there for her to ask for but no expectation otherwise. It’d be cruel if she was asking and you were saying no while you had an ice cream just to teach her a prolonged lesson.

Is there something going on at school or does she have a PDA profile or something else you're not saying? This isn't really about ice-cream or umbrellas. All behaviour is communication

I wouldn't make it about the ice cream. I would bet money that her screaming about ice creams and lollies was absolutely not about ice creams or lollies.
Just like it wasn't about the umbrella. This feels like she's shouting at you because you're safe and she can.

I'd make it about the screaming. That is really not okay. You need short-term consequences that are clearly related to what just happened. It's not okay shout at anyone like this.
Add in some leeway for tiredness and hot weather.

Is it mostly at school pickups she gets upset?

She may be struggling with compartmentalising - she has her home world, and her school world. She may act a bit differently at school. You may act a bit differently at school pick-up, around all the other mothers and children.

I'd do as little interacting as possible with her at that point. Certainly talk to her about keeping her temper, and enforce consequences if you want to. But a year of tantalising her with ice-cream would be absurd.

My almost 6 year old is awful to me, it's really hard. I would do it for a few days for sure and then have a conversation with her about whether maybe she'd like some ice cream and perhaps treating people with respect again.

I would also focus on how she communicates with you. Explain that feeling tired/ grumpy/ overwhelmed is perfectly normal but there are better ways of expressing that and that you won’t respond to shouting. We’ve (consciously or not, I’m not sure) been doing that in my house and it works. No one responds to shouting, we ignore and then speak when the person is calmer. Your daughter needs outlets for her frustration too. Does reading help her regulate? Or maybe exercise? A cool bath? Some time to talk about her day? You need to find a way of allowing her to express herself appropriately.

Sounds like some coke bottle effect going on. She has been bottling things in school to meet their expectations then when the lid comes off at home time she explodes.

I would try to include some low/no demand time at the end of the day for her. I don’t talk to DS on the way home from school to give him time to decompress a bit.

I think you are absolutely right I would not put up with this behaviour at all. The consequence of not getting an ice cream for awhile might make her actually think about her behaviour. I think you are doing proper parenting which many do not, she can’t go around shouting at you or anyone else

She has said she hates cold food so take her word for it. Next time she asks why you didn’t offer her ice cream, tell her ‘I thought you said you hated cold food? But if you want one, get one from the freezer.’

So don’t deny her ice cream but also don’t offer it.

It's cruel and pointless.
Perhaps at that moment she didn't like ice cream or cold things another time she will. Not letting her have ice-cream because she says she didn't like it once when she came out of school in a bad mood and was probably hot and grumpy and just wanted to home.
My 7 year old GD sometimes hates being asked questions after school and especially hates being asked to make a decision when she is tired and overwhelmed ,she also changes her mind all the time about what she likes and doesn't like. We just roll with it say ok don't eat it but always ask next time if she wants that thing. Often she does.

She’s 7! Are you seriously going to engage in psychological warfare with a child?!
Of course she shouldn’t be being rude and screaming but this is not the way to deal with it at all, how about acting like an adult and parenting her, this is borderline emotional abuse.

I have a 7 yo. Yesterday I had a parent from his class moaning that their kid keeps shouting that they're too bossy. The day before, I had a parent moaning that their kid was yelling that they hate everything. Mine told me on Thursday that he hates chips (really!?!) and this morning shouted to stop telling him what to do (homework, thankfully done now).

It's hot, they're getting pushed hard at school, they are tired. Most of them seem to be in a little phase of shouting. Explain calmly when she's calm why shouting isn't acceptable. Ask if she'd like you to bring a snack or drink to pick-up. Discuss what the consequences will be next time she shouts and follow through. But give her a chance to back out on the ice cream comment she's just little and it's very hot.

I have one this age. I’d bring a piece of fruit/cold water to pick up in this weather if she tends to come out of school wanting something right away, or have a snack ready at home, but no unexpected detours etc (even pleasant ones!) after school. It’s hot, she’s tired. And calmly pull her up on rude behaviour.

The only conversation necessary is one in which she is told she does not speak to you in that manner...