AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

[olafandme]

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

I don't think that's really true, though.

People say all kinds of things while angry that don't get taken seriously. You can say in irritation "I'm going to bloody kill him!" And nobody thinks that is a real death threat, even though making death threats is illegal. Children of all ages even teenagers say things like "I hate you! I wish I'd never been born!" And we ignore this because we know it's not a serious outburst.

And if you could cope with that great. But that doesn’t mean everyone is the same as you.

back in the 80s my mum knew I needed some down time. My sister could cope with everything after school, I couldn’t. Thankfully mum didn’t operate as someone from a workhouse so was realistic in her expectations

Children learn to cope - chikdren learn quickly and easily compared to adults. But only if required to

Oh absolutely, great plan, passive aggressively with old ice cream from a 7 yr old whole taunting her by eating it infornt of her because she was dysregulated after school. Absolutely the grown up way to handle that

It wasn’t a case of I could cope. I learnt to cope! If you get slowly exposed to demands over time, you get used to them.
People are doing children a massive disservice by pandering to them and not occasionally pushing them a little out of their comfort zone, or setting expectations of them. Sometimes all I wanted to do was go home and watch TV for an hour, but if we needed to go to the shops, then we needed to go to the shops. It was non-negotiable. A tantrum/meltdown/shouting/rudeness would have got me nowhere.

Or children learn to mask. There is is difference.

the attitudes some on here have to parenting their children will learn to hide how they actually feeel and that is what leads to issues long term

So you’re comparing expectations of a 7 year old to those of an adult. Explains a lot about your attitude!

I give up.
I fear for the next generation of adults, I truly do. What a mess we are making of future society.

I fear for the children with parents who don’t give a fuck about their feelings!

@Pricelessadvice do you have emotional needs? Do you have neurodivergence?

If no, then you cannot extrapolate from your experience to others. There are children for which this strategy will have no negative effect, and there are children for which it will result in, for example from experience, escalating meltdowns and violence at home.

Try not offering her anything when you meet her from school. Don't ask questions, just say hello and walk home together quietly.
Respond nicely if she asks you anything of course but let the walk home be quiet and without demands (questions can feel like demands)

Yes, I have Asperger’s. Diagnosed in the 90s.

Then I'm glad you feel your parents' choices helped you. Other parents can choose different things, we are all just trying to do the best for our kids.

Sounds like you just need to get home quickly so she can regulate herself

Jesus Christ.

Yes. Adults need.to try and self regulate first and respond calmly, rather than meeting a child's emotional outburst with one of their own.

I'm not saying it's easy ...

In fact, OP, a key thing here is that you learn how to handle your own feelings so that you can respond calmly to your child. Posting here is a great idea, letting off steam, sharing with a friend, etc

Why does it need to calm them down?

Yeah fair enough, a year is definitely overboard, but some people are even saying the same night is overboard.

I've never ignored it and my children are happy and confident young adults/teens. I would always pull them up on it later. Would you put up with your partner talking to you like that or would you consider it abusive?

Giving a child some space to decompress after school is NOT pandering to them, @Pricelessadvice - it is seeing what an individual child needs, in a particular situation, and giving them that.

As an adult, we can do this for ourselves - I am an introvert, so if we’ve had guests round, I know I need a bit of alone, un-peopley time, to build up my social battery again - so I go and read by myself for a while. But it sounds as if this little girl needs some time after school to decompress from the day, but being expected to be social after school, or to answer questions about ice cream, drinks etc, is the final straw for her - so she needs her mum to recognise this, and to let her just walk home quietly.

I cannot see how this is a bad thing - it teaches the child that it is OK to need a bit of headspace after school. And if she can learn to recognise what is happening, and why, and what she needs to help her cope - that should enable her to cope better, shouldn’t it?

I don’t think anyone is saying that her behaviour is acceptable, but that it is understandable - and with that understanding comes ways that @olafandme can attempt to deflect similar melt-downs at pick up time.

In her place, I would tell her that I can see she is overwhelmed at pick up time, and that we are going to try a different approach, to see if a bit of a hands off method works better for her - so no questions or expectations when she comes out - just a peaceful walk home. If she wants a drink, an ice cream, a snack or an umbrella, she can ask for them, but she won’t be asked.

I would also say that, even though I understand why she has been acting this way at pick up, I was hurt and upset by how unkind she was, and cross at her rudeness, and that, if this behaviour recurs, there will be consequences (loss of screen time, perhaps).

So your in favour of parents doing things that will wind their children up further?

This.

Adults can often arrange their lives to meet their own needs.

Children don't have that power so those who care for them need to recognise their needs and make adjustments for them. It's not pandering to them, it's just advocating for them when they don't have the maturity and resources to advocate for themselves.

And?

I only needed one look from my mother. If I'd carried on like this Needless to say she wouldn't have been at pains to justify my behaviour through hundreds of words around "safe spaces" and "shaken bottles" - my feet just wouldn't have touched

And she'd have been right

Right about what? Authoritarian parenting?

Sometimes it's fine, sometimes it isn't. Depends on the child, situation, parent, all sorts.

"My feet wouldn't have touched the floor" is an expression to mean the parent smacked the child.

That is not considered right today.