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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

254 replies

olafandme · 21/06/2025 11:35

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

OP posts:
Energywise · 21/06/2025 13:40

She sounds like a brat with no manners even to other people. She can be tired/hungry/hot without screaming and shouting. That needs to be addressed without making excuses for her. Plenty of kids feel the above and still manage to not behave like this. Be really firm with her right then and there even if it’s at school. She will learn soon enough to behave

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 13:41

waterrat · 21/06/2025 13:16

She has been on her best behaviour and being forced to sit still in a cramped sweaty room all day

Do people really not grasp why a 7 yesr old might be dysregulated and cross at pick up ??

that's not an excuse to be rude and a little Madam. It's being a normal parent not to allow unacceptable behaviour.

PennywisePoundFoolish · 21/06/2025 13:42

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 13:36

But again what is that actually teaching her? That she's fine to ask for something after school but if her mum dares to offer something she's fine to completely fly off the handle?

I didn't offer any advice, I just said it wasn't the same scenario.

At no point have I said it's "fine" but I'd be looking into strategies to support the after school pick up, which seems to be the trigger

The OP has given examples of her daughter being polite (The Christmas gift) which a lot of children wouldn't manage so well.

So for me it's not a badly behaved child but one who gets dysregulated at a specific thing.

gsiftpoffu · 21/06/2025 13:45

YABU to drag the punishment out for weeks on end.
Just take her straight home from school - no snacks, no ice creams, no hot chocolate. There's something causing this behaviour at pick up. Maybe she is overwhelmed after a long day at school and is taking her frustration out on you. She needs to go straight home and be in a calm environment not stopping to get some kind of treat. She might not see it as a treat in these circumstances because what she really needs is just to go home. Going for whatever treat it happens to be is just prolonging the school day.
Take her home and then offer her something there - a drink, ice-cream, snack, hot chocolate, whatever.

The umbrella incident: offer her a choice a) I have your umbrella here and you can use it and not get wet or b) if you don't use the umbrella you will get very wet and cold so what would you like to do? And then go with her choice.

It was a bit cruel to make ice creams for the whole family and not for her in the evening after the incident. I know her behaviour was awful but you are the adult here. Offer her an ice-cream if other family members are having one. If she starts shouting at you say, "that's fine, that's your choice, please say no thank you instead of shouting" and repeat that everytime the shouting happens.
Did she start shouting when DH offered her an ice cream?

GFBurger · 21/06/2025 13:46

Poor thing. Lots of great advice here and my DD has had similar rage points!

The questions and ‘demands’ on her frazzled thought processes are being perceived as a threat.

I found that making a decision about the snack in the morning would work well. Then at collection I would simply pass over the snack.

No deviation, no conversation until spoken to! 😆

And as others have suggested… if I had something to do or wanted a cold drink it would be something that happened as a statement. “ I am thirsty and hot. I need a cold drink. I will get myself one. It will make me feel better.”

In the shop I would use no words, maybe hold a bottle of drink/water I know she likes and pass it to her or buy it anyway. It can sit in the fridge at home.

The umbrella incident actually happened to me too!! I said. “It’s not for you.” I held it in silence until she indicated she might consider it. But she actually likes the rain… because sensory!

But no words… this is a phase while she is this tired and can’t regulate. She might need more food at lunchtime. We swopped to protein ‘heavy’ packed lunches as the portions at school dinners had become not enough.

You might find, like us, that she is heading towards a ND diagnosis as this ‘PDA’ profile (I prefer Personal Desire for Autonomy!) can be linked towards ADHD/AuADHD but for now… minimise questions, prepare in advance, keep an eye on protein and blood sugar, don’t be afraid of experimenting with a cheeky cup of tea if regulation becomes a morning issue too.

Not offering ice cream at a later stage won’t help build trust and understanding, which is what she needs. It will only build more defiance.

Quiet transition support will make her realise you are totally on her side and understand.

Best of luck! x

BertieBotts · 21/06/2025 13:47

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 12:56

How is it psychological games? She literally screamed that she hates cold things, if she didn't mean it then her not getting those things for a while might make her think twice about screaming such things at her mother.

It is unlikely to, because the kind of outbursts the OP described do not come from a place of logic, they come from a place of emotion.

It is highly likely that the child will not even remember what they said later on let alone be able to connect it with behaviour which is happening when they are in a highly emotional, oppositional/reactive state (at which point it is difficult for them to control an impulse anyway). The punishment is too far away and it only feels like it is related to the behaviour. It is not really, because the behaviour which is a problem is not a child saying that she doesn't like ice cream. That would be perfectly fine. The problem is the shouting and general being oppositional.

If you want to deal with it in a behaviourist way then you still have to look at the whole situation. It's a predictable scenario meaning there is something triggering the behaviour (antecedent) - it seems to be that after a full day of school, being offered something or presented with a decision or something unexpected is the trigger for the behaviour.

Then the behaviour itself is shouting/screaming/rude tone/opposition - the exact form of words that she takes is irrelevant because it's clear that it's a knee jerk rejection of anything at all even if it's something she would usually like.

It's most likely that the current consequence (what the child gets out of the behaviour) is venting her feelings, attention/reaction (even negative) from adults, feeling powerful by exerting her own will.

To change the behaviour in a behaviourist approach you would try to reduce any reward that the adult can control e.g. attention, by ignoring or reacting neutrally to the behaviour, and then offering more attention/reaction when she is talking in a calmer way, or you could add some kind of external consequence e.g. losing a small part of a privilege for the behaviour you're trying to reduce, or gaining a sticker on a reward chart or other small reward for a successful trip home without shouting.

If the behaviour is not changing, rather than adjust the reward or punishment, it's more effective to reduce the gap between what's currently happening and what you want, so for example rather than a fully calm walk home being the goal, you focus on only one aspect e.g. name calling or swearing. Then once that is established you can focus on volume and once volume is reduced you can work on tone.

For a more rounded (not purely behavioural) approach I think it does help also to look a bit more in depth and consider if it's a possible sign the child is struggling, especially considering she is usually fine by the time they get home and it's predictably happening after school. That indicates to me it's a stress behaviour and so personally I would not go purely behavioural but if I was going behavioural, it would be very small steps and very mild consequences, while also trying to work at separate times on increasing skills (e.g. emotional regulation) and seeing if there are stressors in the environment which can be reduced (fewer demands on way home, possibly looking at support in school and/or skills they need for school).

You said why be kind to someone who is acting this way - because it's important for adults to model the behaviour that they want children to emulate, and we should all be kind. When a child is screaming and shouting and threatening, screaming and shouting and threatening back at them just legitimises their behaviour because they see an adult doing it and internalise the message that it is OK. You might "win" if you are engaging in a power struggle because adults can easily overpower children and most children are aware of this and will react to it by complying, though I do think this does damage to your relationship. Not necessarily insurmountable, and if there is enough warmth to balance it out and the child can generally meet the expectations of adults around them, that kind of parenting is what many people do (not necessarily with shouting!) and it doesn't cause any major problems.

But some children are operating under very high stress loads to begin with, and/or there is a much larger gap between their current skills and adult behavioural expectations, so they experience a lot of power struggles most of which they lose. Power struggles are stressful. Stress behaviours are (unsurprisingly) likely to get worse if you increase the child's stress level. For a behavioural expectation that the child is struggling to meet, a power struggle is not going to help anyway so it's counterproductive or could easily become too extreme on the adult's level. Being kind is one way to recognise that this is a stress behaviour and immediately reduce the stress in the environment, which can help in turn with the behaviour, which you can work on the underlying reasons for outside of the moment.

olafandme · 21/06/2025 13:47

Sahara123 · 21/06/2025 13:38

No smiling?!

Yes. Absolutely no smiling. Smiling at child at school pick up will OBVIOUSLY trigger them.

She didn’t ask me to smile at her so fair game for her to scream at me if I dare to do so. I was asking for it really wasn’t I? 😅
I will wear paper bag on head next week (will of course be licking an ice cream underneath the paper bag)

OP posts:
UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 13:49

Sahara123 · 21/06/2025 13:38

No smiling?!

When I pick my asd ds up from school, I avoid eye contact as he finds it uncomfortable and he's tired from masking/coping all day. So I would say I avoid smiling at him, but try to keep my face cheerful (I'm also ND so this takes effort 😂) to show I'm happy to see him.

FlyingUnicornWings · 21/06/2025 13:50

Dramatic · 21/06/2025 13:09

It's pretty good for kids to learn that screaming and shouting at someone doesn't then bring on kindness from that person. It makes them angry and annoyed, as it should.

And then the kid gets angrier, then the parent escalates their anger, then the child screams more, then the adult…etc etc etc. You can’t meet anger with anger, kids need to learn that too or they won’t have good conflict management skills as an adult.

As an adult, it’s your job to be regulated, not emotional. Calmly do what needs to be done to bring the child back to baseline, then you educate. Kids don’t learn diddly squat while highly emotional. They need to be calm.

Having said that, my response would be a very firm “it’s not okay to speak to me like that, we will talk about your behaviour when you’ve calmed down”. Then ignore until they’re calm. I most certainly wouldn’t put up with that behaviour, but I wouldn’t be angry with my child for being emotional. Emotions are fine, it’s how we express/deal with them that’s important and they’ll learn by modelling our behaviour. So calm but firm all the way, for me.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/06/2025 13:51

How about a low demand pickup? That means you've got a drink and snack plus umbrella stashed in case she says she wants something, you smile when you see her but don't demand conversation straight away and you'll also have things at home (like ice cream or chocolate, strawberries and cold drinks) if she isn't able to cope with the expectation of responding to you appropriately straight away.

I was also ready to take bookbag, school bag, PE kit and any of the usual paraphenalia without a word because I knew that sometimes she could be on a hair trigger due to stuff happening during the day and just more talking/ yet another demand on her to listen, speak, etc in a noisy, crowded playground with the other 500+ kids and their assorted parents, childminders and siblings all seemingly talking at one could be the last thing she needed in order to be able to breathe.

Non verbal communication can help, too - 'How are you? Did you have a nice day? What did you do today? Who did you play with? Do you want chocolate? Do you want an ice cream? Did you do singing today? Where's your bookbag? Are there any letters today? Where's your water bottle? I've got you some chocolate. Why don't you like chocolate? You like chocolate. Don't be so rude, when we get home you're going to watch me eat your chocolate' or variations upon this theme is not as effective in defusing stress/anger/frustration/overwhelm as taking the bag/holding out an already opened fresh drink and maybe eyebrows raised to see if it's taken (and silently returned to the bag if it's ignored or rejected).

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 13:51

@olafandme I'm answering your questions in good faith that you'd like to hear what others have to say. I find your sarcasm re smiling difficult.

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hankunamatata · 21/06/2025 13:54

Screaming at you gets a consequence, whatever it is in your house - time out, loss of tv or electronics etx

Sahara123 · 21/06/2025 13:55

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 13:49

When I pick my asd ds up from school, I avoid eye contact as he finds it uncomfortable and he's tired from masking/coping all day. So I would say I avoid smiling at him, but try to keep my face cheerful (I'm also ND so this takes effort 😂) to show I'm happy to see him.

Fair enough but in general I can’t imagine picking up my child and not even smiling !

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 13:57

Oh FFS, you know absolutely nothing about ND.
Be grateful for that and stop with the sanctimonious clap trap.

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 13:58

LancashireButterPie · 21/06/2025 13:57

Oh FFS, you know absolutely nothing about ND.
Be grateful for that and stop with the sanctimonious clap trap.

This was in response to richholidaypoorholiday, but I can see her post has been deleted now.

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 13:59

@RichHolidayPoorHoliday I invite you to find out about the neurodivergent experience of society and how being forced to learn to behave in a way that is only acceptable to neurotypical people leads to burnout, being out of work, not coping.

To answer your question, many many people are not coping as a direct result of being expected to behave like you suggest.

Why does not making eye contact equate to not being invited for play dates with your children?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 21/06/2025 14:00

olafandme · 21/06/2025 13:47

Yes. Absolutely no smiling. Smiling at child at school pick up will OBVIOUSLY trigger them.

She didn’t ask me to smile at her so fair game for her to scream at me if I dare to do so. I was asking for it really wasn’t I? 😅
I will wear paper bag on head next week (will of course be licking an ice cream underneath the paper bag)

That's a rather explosive response to a poster who has a very similar child to my DD2. It could be quite stressful for anybody who is already overtired to have to deal with somebody whose automatic response is to escalate - and very destabilising if they know that at any time, that parent could kick off and then carry on punishment for hours/days/weeks to get back at them.

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 14:02

Sahara123 · 21/06/2025 13:55

Fair enough but in general I can’t imagine picking up my child and not even smiling !

Not smiling at pick up is among the very easy parts of parenting an ND child. I'm glad this thread has shone light on some of these things.

ETA: not sure that makes sense. Not smiling is easy compared with the million of other things we have to do to eg. keep ds in school.

olafandme · 21/06/2025 14:05

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 13:51

@olafandme I'm answering your questions in good faith that you'd like to hear what others have to say. I find your sarcasm re smiling difficult.

I am genuinely interested and finding many replies helpful.

No smiling is however, ridiculous. So that did make me laugh.
We all want to do our best for our kids but a big part of that is preparing them for life - they will soon go out into a world where millions of other people do not like being shouted at, may offer ice cream or chocolate, have to pop to the shop or the toilet or even in some cases (albeit increasingly rarely) smile.

The quote “don’t prepare the road for your kids, prepare your kids for the road” springs to mind (not directed at you - just at parenting approaches in general)

OP posts:
TheEveningReport · 21/06/2025 14:06

My 6yo boy is like this. He is waiting for an add and adhd assessment and a PDA profile has been suggested. He’s been particularly challenging in the heat! I feel your pain, it’s bloody relentless. I get a bit unhinged sometimes.

GFBurger · 21/06/2025 14:07

olafandme · 21/06/2025 13:47

Yes. Absolutely no smiling. Smiling at child at school pick up will OBVIOUSLY trigger them.

She didn’t ask me to smile at her so fair game for her to scream at me if I dare to do so. I was asking for it really wasn’t I? 😅
I will wear paper bag on head next week (will of course be licking an ice cream underneath the paper bag)

You have to find the humour in it!

There are some great Instagram mums to follow!!

A neutral expression paper bag, silently proffering pre-agreed protein heavy snacks, whilst carrying a hidden umbrella, that’s definitely not for them.

And don’t try to smile at their friends either, because that implies THEY aren’t acting normally. 😂

UniversalTruth · 21/06/2025 14:08

olafandme · 21/06/2025 14:05

I am genuinely interested and finding many replies helpful.

No smiling is however, ridiculous. So that did make me laugh.
We all want to do our best for our kids but a big part of that is preparing them for life - they will soon go out into a world where millions of other people do not like being shouted at, may offer ice cream or chocolate, have to pop to the shop or the toilet or even in some cases (albeit increasingly rarely) smile.

The quote “don’t prepare the road for your kids, prepare your kids for the road” springs to mind (not directed at you - just at parenting approaches in general)

Would you prepare a child who cannot walk for the same literal road as a child who can walk unaided or would you accept that they need a different path?

Sayithowiseeit · 21/06/2025 14:09

It does sound like there is something else going on, girls with ASD/PDA do prevent very differently.

It sounds like the pressure of masking and having a full day of demands and expectations is a lot. So that when she's back with mum she is exploding at perceived demand.

I use a "closed choice" technique with my ASD child, one of them has PDA profile. Its not fool proof and doesn't always work but it works enough to help.

Its really about giving choice over things so that they feel like they have some control over the demand. So instead of telling my child "its bedtime let's go and get your pyjamas on" I phrase it as "which pyjamas would you like to wear tonight? "Which cuddly toy do you want to take up to bed with you" the demand is lessened, you are still achieving your goal of getting pyjamas and going up to bed but the child doesn't feel like it is such a demand as they are choosing how they will carry out what is needed.

Its always best to start with the technique first, don't try it after you've given a demand. Try it first.

Its difficult. Its not easy and its really wearing.

RichHolidayPoorHoliday · 21/06/2025 14:09

why on earth was my post deleted?

I wasn't rude to anyone. I barely expressed that if my kids want to be picked by other people to stay with friends, they need to be used to reasonable behaviour, from them and from others.