AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

[olafandme]

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

being in the adult is literally parenting the child and teaching her that her behaviour is not acceptable.

No anger, no rage, just a calm and consistent decision. Exactly what you are supposed to do.

She has been on her best behaviour and being forced to sit still in a cramped sweaty room all day

Do people really not grasp why a 7 yesr old might be dysregulated and cross at pick up ??

Absolutely this. Yes, children are tired when they come out of school, sometimes they just don't know what to do with themselves and that feeling erupts as rudeness or defiance.
What else is going on, OP? Is your child ok at school? Or struggling for some reason? Personally I'd have stern words about the shouting and rudeness but the ice cream is neither here nor there.

Yes people grasp it, but that doesn't mean that any behaviour goes

There's a pattern of extreme reactions and dysregulation at pick up. Transitions can be very difficult for some children. I think I would be looking into that more and strategies will help her daughter manage better.

A year long plan focused around the ice cream incident isn't addressing the underlying issue.

This ^^

Just pick her up and go home. I’ve never understood the need for snacks and treats at the school gate. She sounds tired from being on her best behaviour all day. Make pick up quick and easy. No asking if she wants this or that just get her home.

She did apologise to the poor granny yes 😅.
Thats a good compromise- makes the point without going nuclear.
We have spoken so many times at length about these things (for years) but it doesn’t seem to be helping.
its funny because she definitely understands the whole manners thing -at Christmas she got a really terrible present (ideal for a 2 year old but not for a 7 year old girl) and she was very polite and said thanks so much etc. she waited till we had left to say she would give it to our toddler neighbour. She does know how to be polite - I think it’s mostly the after school thing.
And also (not directed at the person I’m replying to) I do understand the whole thing of parents being the “safe space” but at the same time we are human beings who shouldn’t tolerate being screamed at.

I have little faith in current child psychology. The behaviour of children is wildly out of control, teachers are leaving the profession in droves as a result, and every other post on this forum seems to be about a badly behaved child/teen running rings around their parent.

Something has gone seriously wrong somewhere.

Phones. Phones have gone wrong.

A year was what OP said though, not a week. Or the summer at least.

I absolutely believe there is truth in this. Screens in general have done something to the brain development of our young people. It’s horrifying.

Also, parents don't post about how they don't know what to do with their "well behaved" children.

Making parenting decisions in anger is not a good idea OP.

It's not just to the child. A lot of parents seem more interested in their phones than their child. That must be so damaging to a child.

That’s not true at all. Plenty of times she asks to go for hot chocolate or to the shop or to the cafe or for ice cream after school. Sometimes we go, other times we can’t as have other things to do.

You sound gleeful about her punishment, which is prolonged to say the least
Is she your biological child?

There is a difference in your daughter asking and you offering, though. The incidents you've mentioned have all been when it's something someone else offers.

I know that will get the discipline crew nicely animated about manners, but from a trigger point of view, I think it's relevant

What a strange question to ask...

Where does the OP sound 'gleeful?

I haven't picked that up at all.

A year of eating ice cream in front of a 7 year old and not allowing it isn’t calm at all. It’s weird and vindictive.

But again what is that actually teaching her? That she's fine to ask for something after school but if her mum dares to offer something she's fine to completely fly off the handle?

This is an excellent suggestion. If she’s overwhelmed and overstimulated from school, simply being a quiet presence while she winds down her thoughts on the way home might be the key.

It would be cruel to buy yourself ice-cream and exclude your daughter from and having one for a whole year and you know that really. The fact that DH does not back you up adds to the impossibility of carrying out such a course of action. I'm actually surprised you thought it acceptable to ask mumsnet if you were being unreasonable. My test of any AIBU is 'would I be prepared to ask such a question if I had to put my real name to the post'. The nasty way your OP read made me feel rather uncomfortable. I'm relieved your DH overruled you.

No smiling?!

It does sound like there’s something additional needs wise going on, I’d definitely try and set wheels in motion with that.
I think agree what your hard lines and consequences are - screaming at you and others and walking off without an adult aren’t acceptable.
How is she with other adults outside school eg does she follow brownie leaders or dance teachers instruction?