AIBU to eat ice cream everyday and refuse to offer to DD

[olafandme]

Yesterday I picked 7 yo DD up from school. It was a hot day and unusually it’s just us 2, no DS. I cheerily suggest we stop and get an ice cream on the walk home. To which she shouts at me “NO! I HATE ICE CREAM” (she loves ice cream and and eats them often)
to this I said “or an ice lolly or a cold drink, something cool” she screams that I don’t know her at all because she HATES COLD THINGS and runs away from me dramatically. Proceeds to walk 5 steps behind me entire way home. I stop off and buy myself an ice cream just to prove a point.
This type of thing happens often. For example few days or so ago it was torrential rain and i brought her umbrella to pick up. She screamed at me in front of whole playground because she did not want it (I was holding it - folded down and was not trying to make her hold it). That’s just this week.
I have spoken to her calmly and length about, 1) not shouting at me and also 2) about seeing the intent behind what someone is doing. Asking yourself is the person trying to do something nice or something nasty - if it’s nice try to recognise that and something along the lines of “no thank you” is what you say.
I’d say we have this talk once a week. anyway.
The ice cream incident must have tipped me over the edge. Because talking isn’t getting through to her. My plan is to not offer her ice cream for the time being at least. Anytime we have ice cream / ice lolly, she will not be having one. I think I could do a year or the summer at least. Maybe I’d reconsider after a change in behaviour and a sincere apology.
I tried this last night (same day as the incident) and did not offer her one and made one for everyone else. Despite me asking him not to - DH offered her one.
am i a psycho for thinking like this?
AIBU?

Funny you should say that. I have looked into PDA before as previously thought she had this but she thought was too young to be sure. She does seem to have grown out of a lot of the demand avoidant behaviours that she had before or maybe we have all leaned how to better approach things with her. probably a bit of both.

She’s doing amazingly at school. Star of the school play. Wins “star of the week” very often. Great reports etc.

I think she probably is masking to an extent and explodes when she comes out.

OP how do you respond when she screams at you? Immediately and later when everybody has calmed down?

If she's is such an overwhelmed state that she's denying herself things she loves, then she's not shouting at you to benefit herself other than providing a release for some huge emotions. Have you read 'The Explosive Child' by Ross Green? It is really interesting and helps shift your perspective on why children 'blow up' at their parents with plenty of tips on how to manage it.

Incidentally, what has she said about the perfect pick up? What does she want you to do after school if you ask her in a calm moment?

For the snatching and being rude to someone else, I’d have made her apologise then and there.
For the ice cream, the next day I’d have said ‘right I’m just going to buy myself an ice cream’, with the inevitable ‘I want one(or a drink)’, I’d then say you screamed at me yesterday saying you hated them so I didn’t bring enough money for you…. If you’ve decided you like them again I’ll definitely bring enough next time. This would be facing a real tangible natural consequence, and the opportunity to apologise and an opportunity to make things right going forward.
But with the screaming I’d say then and there that ‘no thank you is enough, there’s no need to scream at me for offering you an ice cream so you need to stop, it’s very unkind to me and the people around us’.
Then at home very sternly explaining that she can’t talk to you like it.

Right and how is she going to learn not to be horrible to people she loves when she's upset about something? By op going "don't worry darling you scream and shout whatever you like and me and there will be no consequences whatsoever"?

I don't think it will be effective as it seems anything that's offered at pick up is a trigger.

No, by the OP getting to the bottom of whatever she's struggling with, not punishing her for struggling in the first place.

No, you can tell them that shouting is not tolerated and provide alternative ways of communicating but punishing isn't going to do anything constructive apart from make her resent her mum

That's not how it works. See my post above.

By being listened to and given time to mature.

talk to her when she is calm, discuss how the trigger point of pick up time can be made easier.

the OP is carrying on with actions she knows wind her up and then gets annoyed when the daughter reacts. I don’t think it’s the child behaving immaturely in that situation!

Or make her actually think about what she screams at people?

Asking someone if they want an ice cream isn't winding them up, don't be ridiculous

The amount of excuses some people bring up for rude children is absolutely mind blowing. It would never have occurred to me - even at such a young age - to shout at my lovely, placid mum after offering me ice-cream, no matter how hot or tired I was. I was just happy to see her. No wonder lots of kids are insufferable little toads.
Te usual excuses for kids are:

• they are hot
• they are cold
• they are hungry
• they just ate and are full
• they ate too much sugar
• their sugar level is too low
• it’s raining
• it’s sunny
• it’s windy
• it’s cloudy
• someone looked at them the wrong way
• they are toddlers
• they are tweens
• they are pre-teens
• they are teenagers
• they at
• they are girls
• they are boys
• they are human beings

🙄

If is if you are aware offering them things after school upsets them!

The Op has acknowledged that she doesn’t want anything after school yet she keeps ignoring that? Why? What is being gained. It’s not being nice if you know it’s going to cause problems!

It's their child. If they can't even be kind to their own child then who can they be kind to.

Don't play mind games with a 7 year old child OP. If this is how you deal with difficult behaviour, I wonder what messages your dd is picking up from you about day to day interaction.

She's dysregulated. And 7 years old. You are using words that describe the behaviour if carried out by regulated adults. Child psychology suggests that meeting children's needs leads to successful, happy adults, which as a country is what I believe we should be aiming for.

Children can't learn whilst dysregulated, so the only sensible thing to do is ignore the behaviour you don't want and work on supporting the child to avoid dysregulation, or co-regulate if on the journey to compete dysregulation.

It's pretty good for kids to learn that screaming and shouting at someone doesn't then bring on kindness from that person. It makes them angry and annoyed, as it should.

I wonder if this is how you were parented @olafandme? Things that we weren't allowed to do, even though we were young and struggling with big emotions in the same way, always strike a special nerve.

I would do exactly the same. First she'll be immediately punished for being such a badly behaved diva, in public no less. "No thank you" is the only appropriate answer is.

Then of course, she needs to learn about consequences. She's screaming and tantrumming? That has consequences.

It's in her own interest to stop behaving like a spoilt brat - Other people, friends and adults, are never as patient as her parents. it's lazy to let her get away with it.

It's refusing to offer her an ice-cream for a week, not sending her to the gallows before someone jumps on me 😂

It's not a reasonable reaction from the child and she needs to learn that.

Yes you’re a psycho, this is not an appropriate strategy for a child.

But it’s not a reasonable expectation from the adult. Who is in the best position to adapt their behaviour?

a 7 year old trying to regulate their emotions after a long day or a parent who knows the issue but keeps pushing it?

No, you are being petty and should behave like the adult in this situation.

I used the eat ice cream nearly every day and put on far too much weight!

And yet you want to punish the masking. What do you think that leads to?