Husband says he is embarrassed by our adult kids

[TudorMary]

This is my first post and it’s long and has a few strands and don’t know where to start I keep rewriting.

I thought we were happy and husband was a good father. Kids no longer go on holiday with us etc and this upsets my husband.

Three kids. Elder 2 definitely took scenic route. Dropped out of uni, now happily working, 2 initially took science, failed 1st year exams, took year out now finishing 2nd year of Humanities degree at local university. Both live at home along with number 3 who last week came home to say she was convinced she had failed one of her papers, I think this is correct having done big of research which means she won’t get first choice and she now wants year off.

My husband has gone fucking ballistic and has gone from blaming me to blaming himself for not standing up to me. He has called all the kids losers but thankfully not to their faces but has said to daughter she will have to go to whatever uni will have her.

Now if you are with me! Husband close to brother and I actually like him and his wife but only when we meet them alone. When the kids were younger I used to have anxiety every time we saw them with kids. They had tons of them. It was chaotic. Litter on the floor. Debris everywhere. Rotting food the lot. Kids were sworn in front of, occasionally sworn at, if a risqué anecdote had to be told it was told no matter if the kids were around. and spoken at like they were 30. No concessions were ever made for their age.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake. I was on tenterhooks and no exaggeration sometimes took to my bed after seeing them.

Well every single one of their older children are either at medical school, are studying or graduated from an Oxbridge College.

My husband is now suggesting sister-in-law is parent of the year and he should have stood up to my prissy ways. A bone of contention is that they all still holiday together whereas our kids don’t want to know. He is embarrassed by our beautiful kids.

I am so sorry this is a novel. I am heartbroken thinking I must have done something wrong.

Well you both sound extremely judgemental.

Several separate issues here:

Husband is being a rude prick.

Children: are they happy and healthy? There’s no wrong path through life, even if some take longer than others to get there.

SIL and family: frustrating but them’s the breaks. Try not to compare - everyone ebbs and flows through life, and they are just riding a bit higher at the moment.

Not everyone who graduates from an oxbridge college is successful, and not everyone who takes “the scenic route” is doomed to unhappiness. Stop comparing. Love your kids for who they are, not who you wanted them to be.

Well if my dad was embarrassed by me I wouldn’t want to go on holiday with him either.

First time we went out a four year old actually summoned a waiter to order another fizzy drink. Two year old given a knife to cut their birthday cake.

Neither of these things seem weird to me...🤷🏻‍♀️

And really honestly (because its an anonymous internet forum) I would be also be bitterly disappointed if my children grew up as you've described 😬
BUT at the same time Oxbridge isn't golden ticket (some of the unhappiness people i know went) and there's never been a worse time to be a dr... AND many people find their own happy and successful paths through without much education...

Where your DH is not at all reasonable is in laying "the blame" at your door.

Help your child find purpose and happiness that's the main thing.

Don't compare
Comparison envy is the thief of joy

Offer your kids a holiday with you, if they say no, just go...and go on your own if your husband is being unpleasant.

As for your brother in law's family...maybe they were messy but more intellectual and academic.

Perhaps your kids are more practical and will find jobs they actually enjoy rather than aiming for things they are doing to please your husband's aspirations.

Your husband hasnt said it to their face but chances are your children can pick up on the disappointment that they are not living up to his expectations.

Tell hubby to take his head out of his ass. He has 3 happy, healthy children. He doesn't know challenges, if his biggest concern is the odd failed exam.

Some people pay for rehab, surgeries, psychiatric admissions or bury their kids. The story is not yet finished, tell him to cop on and value what he has.

Why are the kids all your fault? Why does your 'D'H feel that he 'should have stood up to you?' Did you insist that your kids drop out of university?

Sounds to me like more of a case of sibling rivalry and he's extremely jealous of how his brother's kids have turned out (which doesn't, by the way, mean that they will live happy and/or healthy lives). Tell him to parent the kids he's got, not the ones he thinks he ought to have.

I suspect this too.

Well I can see why your kids don't want to go on holiday with your husband. Maybe they'll agree to go with you though?

I mean, there's so much wrong here it's hard to unpick. The fact that these other kids are academic high flyers isn't down to the sister in law letting them run riot at restaurants. They will have presumably had a good education and a desire to achieve these things.

You could have replicated the education and your kids wouldn't have wanted to follow that path because they're different people. They're not little lumps of clay that you get to mould entirely to the person you want.

Perhaps your kids have struggled with uni because they have felt the weight of expectation from their father that they go down that route but it's never been the right path for them.

You’d be bitterly disappointed that two of your children attended university ? The eldest who has finished has also secured employment ?

And the third one may well still go to university- and even if they do not there’s no suggested they won’t get a job and create a good life for themselves ?

Really ?

Would you only be happy if your children went to Oxford and then became a surgeon ?

It sounds as though he’s frustrated to have adult children still at home at ages where he perhaps thought they’d have spread their wings. I think it can be very trying and often frustrating to live with several other adults and have to negotiate all their behaviours, lifestyles and foibles - even if those adults are your own family. They sound like good kids, and he’s being unfair to call them losers, but all of you cooped up in the same house with no end in sight is going to take its toll on everyone; and their refusal to join on family holidays knowing their parents would like it, whilst happily taking advantage of the free/cheap accommodation and living at home would gall me a bit, tbh.

I don’t think the bit about BIL and SIL is especially relevant. They parented differently and they’ve raised different children with different aspirations and achievements, that’s all. It comes across a little as though you don’t believe they “deserve” success, which is mean spirited of you.

I know it is complex, but there definitely is a conversation to be had around “What sort of parenting gives the message to children that they will probably fuck it up?” Or “what sort of complex emotions in adults are stirred up by children/families who don’t do ‘seen but not heard, and preferably not seen’ child rearing.”

When you examine your conscience- are you prissy? Is your life too much about what other people think/being embarrassed?

Notwithstanding all that- there is the factor of where does your husband and his values fit in this. Did he demonstrate to his children that they should be ‘more’ sort of people, or that they should be ‘less’ sort of people? Is he prissy?

And Notwithstanding all that- you can only parent the children you have, and you certainly shouldn’t take out siblings rivalries on your children. He can’t have it every which way.

As someone from a chaotic household like your SILs (my parents didn’t really swear at us though) it is a kick up the arse to get out. 4/6 of my siblings went to good unis (me included) and my brother who didn’t is very successful with his business and employs my sister who isn’t academic but is super creative. We all left home by 18 and never came back apart from to visit, because no one wants to stay in a shithole. That’s probably why your nieces and nephews all did so well - because you have to do well to get out. Trust me, this comes with its own set of complexes and issues that your kids will not have. Yes, in some ways they are more successful, but emotionally they will have issues your kids simply won’t.

As for your husband… well he just sounds like a knob.

I adore my kids. They are amazing! We get on. I believe my standards are normal not in the least OTT. There was often cat excrement in their house.

My kids all had a go at stuff like music and daughter did Grade 3 flute and both boys can play a bit of guitar but boys were allowed to stop and when flute teacher died unexpectedly we didn’t pursue another one.

Husband now blaming me.

instead of making them eat in kitchen, load dishwasher, wipe sides and and mop floor Basic standards that took five minutes I should have been reading The Guardian and doing cryptic crossword with them,

And the irony of bloody computer games which he brought into house not me.

Not that I fully agree with that poster, but since when is just “attending” uni an achievement? None of OP’s kids have actually gotten a degree if I’ve read correctly?

One started uni, dropped out & got a job.

One started uni, failed 1st year, took a year out, and is now back at a different uni having another go at a different degree.

One was set to start uni but has now likely failed an exam so won’t get into the one they wanted, so want a year out.

Why is it on you? He’s also their parent.

I think may have misunderstood and thought the first child has completed her degree and then got a job rather than dropped out.

The second is currently still attending.

In which case being successfully employed is the achievement and the second child is still currently at uni and now showing signs of dropping out so if they complete and get a degree they have done well too.

Your husband is being really unreasonable to treat your kids as status symbols instead of complete individuals with their own personalities, motivations and abilities. They don't exist to reflect glory back on him, and what matters is that they find a path they're happy with.

The kids probably don't want to go on holiday with you because they're aware of this attitude from your husband. It's no fun spending time with a disappointed parent who doesn't appreciate you for who you are (believe me I know).

You sound pretty judgmental of your BIL's family. I understand why you're defensive about it because your husband is comparing you negatively to them, but really their failures and successes are nothing to do with your family.

What's his level of academic achievement and what does his career look like?

You 'took to your bed' because you'd had to spend time with some messy confident children? Yeah that does sound extremely prissy to be fair. It's sounds Victorian.

Not sure how that ends up causing your children to be slackers though. If your DH thinks so badly of your parenting he should have done better then, he's their equal parent just as you are.

How did your husband raise his kids?

But all of your posts suggest you still feel that, given the way your BIL and SIL brought up their kids, that they should have been the ones dealing with dropping out, poor choices of courses, exam failure etc, and you should have been the parents of Oxbridge students and medics.

It’s genuinely not clear why you think there’s any relationship between their children’s academic track record and the fact that their house was messy and they swore in the company of their children, far less that their four year old ordered a drink from a waiter and the two year old cut his or her own birthday cake?

Honestly, what stands out for me in your posts is your anxiety — if you really reacted that strongly to this restaurant meal, and sometimes ‘took to your bed’ after seeing them? Are you an unusually anxious person in general?

It sounds like their children have been brought up to have confidence, I suspect yours have been criticised.